February 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani said he does not believe President Obama loves America. Because who better to take advice on love from than a guy who’s been married three times.

2. According to a recently released photo, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is sporting a new haircut. Not surprising, since they just got Netflix over there, it’s the Rachel.

3. In a recent interview, Jane Fonda said that despite being 77 she still smokes pot every now and then. “Me too,” said Willie Nelson, “except it’s more like ‘all the time’ and I can’t remember my age.”

4. Little Ceasar’s has come out with a new deep dish pizza featuring a crust wrapped in bacon. Which explains their new slogan, “Et tu, Fattie.”

5. A senior California health official said on Thursday, the source of the recent measles outbreak, thought to have begun at Disneyland, may never be identified. “Dodged that bullet” said Sneezy.

6. Two lawsuits seeking to shut down Colorado’s recreational marijuana industry were filed on Thursday by state residents who say legalized pot violates federal racketeering laws, hurts business and diminishes property value. Said attorneys for the marijuana industry, “You guys just need to chillax, luckily we’ve got just the thing.”

7. There was a bomb scare yesterday in Hollywood near the venue for this weekend’s 78th Academy Awards. Crisis was adverted when authorities persuaded owners of a nearby movie theater to stop playing “Mordechai.”

8. Nestle says it will become the first major candy maker to eliminate all artificial color and flavors from its chocolates. Said Nestle, “We don’t like money.”

9. A Florida man has reportedly gotten the world’s first penis reduction surgery. Said the man, “I have always wanted to own a Porsche.”

10. On Thursday, Texas issued its first ever marriage license to a same-sex couple. So look out steers, they’re coming for your top billing.

11. The U.S. government on Tuesday established a policy for exporting military drones, including armed ones. “Really? Could have sworn you’ve been exporting armed drones for a while now,” said residents of Afghanistan.

12. With the resignation of Oregon’s Governor John Kitzhaber, Secretary of State Kate Brown is set to become the nation’s first openly bisexual governor. “Do I get a vote in who your running mate should be, Hillary?” said Bill.

13. Actor Emile Hirsch has checked into an alcohol rehabilitation facility after he allegedly assaulted a film executive at the Sundance Film Festival last month. A representative for Hirsch said the actor is making great strides in Alcoholics Anonymous, especially since he was practically anonymous when he entered the program.

14. A scorpion stung a passenger on an Alaska Airlines flight to Oregon that departed from Mexico. So, lesson learned, always let the scorpion have the armrest.

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