Monologue Jokes – March 3, 2020

1. This week McDonald’s announced that it will sell a limited edition six-pack of candles that smell like Quarter Pounder ingredients including ketchup, pickles, cheese, onion and beef. So, your move, Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. 

2. A man in Wisconsin was arrested last week for allegedly stealing chicken wings and condoms from a Walmart. He was either planning one hell of a night or I’ve been eating chicken wings wrong. 

3. Officials at a library in California are upset after recently discovering that an adult film was shot in the building. And if they’re upset by that, maybe they shouldn’t check the library computer’s search history. 

4. Last week, a U.K. patient underwent brain surgery while playing a violin. Look, if I want to listen to a musician with a brain injury play an instrument, I’d go to a Ted Nugent concert.

5. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. Because nothing’s more relatable with today’s electorate than needless expenses and landlines. 

6. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. He’s also opened up a quaint bed and breakfast with her as well:

7. According to reports, former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was in good spirits on Tuesday, as he accepted visitors at a Manhattan hospital, despite having been convicted a day earlier of sexual assault and rape. Said an elated Weinstein, “All I have to do is press this button and legally the nurse has to give me a sponge bath.” 

8. A soccer player in France has been suspended for five years after biting the penis of an opponent during an altercation after a match. He was also given a red card for using his hands to cup the balls.

9. It was reported this week that Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela is making pornographic movies. “Oh God, that’s awful. Why would anyone put that on film?” said people after watching ‘Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.’ 

10. According to a new study, erectile dysfunction pills can permanently distort one’s vision. “His or mine?” said a very hopeful Melania.

11. Three dolphins have been shot or stabbed in Florida since May. Police have named their top suspect, a Ray Finkle: 

12. During a rally, President Donald Trump ridiculed South Korean film “Parasite” winning the Best Picture Oscar, telling a campaign rally he wished for the return of Hollywood classics like “Gone with the Wind.” And you know Trump really hated that movie if he’s taking the side of wind:

13. On Wednesday, the Broadway play “To Kill a Mockingbird” was performed at Madison Square Garden for 18,000 public school students. “Oh, thank God!” said the students once they realized they were watching a three-hour long play based on a book written in the 1950s about race relations and not the Knicks.

14. Disney has announced a new partnership with the plant-based meat company Impossible Foods to offer the Impossible Burger at their resorts and parks. “Just in time,” said Eeyore:

15. A man in Florida was recently arrested at an IHOP restaurant for allegedly asking customers if they wanted to see his genitals. “But I asked this time?!?!?!” said a very confused Louis CK.

16. Despite potentially facing more than two decades in prison, Harvey Weinstein is “not giving up on life,” according to his spokesman. “Man, this guy really is bad at taking ‘No’ for an answer,” said Life.

17. Doctors are warning that putting potatoes up your butt won’t cure hemorrhoids. So I guess it was something else that cured my hemorrhoids.

18. This week, President Trump appointed Vice President Mike Pence to lead the federal task force to get to the bottom of the coronavirus. And, in future news, the coronavirus is caused by gays.

19. According to a spokesman, after his conviction, Harvey Weinstein is going “stir crazy” sitting in his hospital room. But, in Weinstein defense, you’d be pretty stir crazy too if you were trapped in a room with just Harvey Weinstein.

July 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hillary Clinton’s new memoir on the 2016 presidential race will be released in September. Or, if you just can’t wait until then, you can read it on Wikileaks in August.

2. President Trump lashed out on Twitter on Thursday against the ‘Fake News’ for not reporting that Russian spies had information on his campaign too. Um, I’m pretty sure they did report on that:

3. A Minnesota choir teacher is being charged with having a sexual relationship with a student and sending partially naked photos of herself to him. School officials became suspicious when the boy when from an alto to a baritone in a week.

4. On Thursday, the Trump administration warned of potential repercussions for Alaska after its Senator Lisa Murkowski voted against the Republican backed healthcare bill. Said Alaska, “There’s nothing you can do to us that will hurt worse than what we’ve already done to ourselves”:

5. According to reports, Russian intelligence agents created dozens of phony Facebook accounts in an effort to spy on Emmanuel Macron during the French presidential election. That story again, the Russian intelligence agency is composed entirely of jilted ex-girlfriends.

6. Singer Justin Bieber hit a paparazzo with his truck in Beverly Hills Wednesday night. Oh no, is the truck alright?

7. On Wednesday, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci compared President Trump’s bid to repeal Obamacare to President Lincoln abolishing slavery. And, in Scaramucci’s defense, both involve trying to sweep the work of black men under the rug.

8. An upcoming episode of PBS’s ‘Finding Your Roots’ uncovers that comedian Larry David is related to politician Bernie Sanders. The exhaustive research to make that discovery involved looking at them.

9. Late Tuesday night, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci accused chief of staff Reince Priebus of leaking Scaramucci’s public financial disclosure forms to the press. Said Scaramucci, “I know it was you Reince, you broke my heart”:

10. Police pulled over a man in upstate New York who was driving a car with no windshield, no doors and an axe stuck in the roof. Begging the question, it is too early to start putting ‘Kid Rock for Senate 2020’ bumperstickers on cars?

11. Actress Olivia Wilde felt so bad that Jennifer Lawrence vomited from the graphic imagery presented in her theater-version of ‘1984’ that she sent the Oscar winner soup. If that’s the case, then Mickey Rourke’s face owes me a ton of soup.

12. A 44-year-old man in China was recently hospitalized with severe kidney problems after eating fifty-four scoops of ice cream in one sitting. That story again, two down and just fifty-two to go:

13. According to reports, for the first time ever American scientists have successfully edited the DNA of a human embryo. Well, for the first time ever on purpose:

14. According to reports, ‘High Times’ magazine is considering going public with an IPO. Those interested will be able to buy either a quarter, an eighth or a half-eighth of the company.

15. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has overtaken Bill Gates to become the richest person in the world, worth over $90 billion. “We’ll see about that,’ said Gates setting up a bunch of phony email addresses to get free trials of Amazon Prime.

16. This week, Patriot head coach Bill Belichick said there are “no limits” on tight-end Rob Gronkowski. Of course, other than anything that involves books.

17. According to Politico, President Trump and Attorney General Jeff Sessions are not longer on speaking terms. “But that implies they once were and, follow-up question, what was that like?” asked Eric Trump.

18. South Korean President Moon Jae-in on Wednesday welcomed a rescue dog to his official Blue House residence. It’s the first time a dog has come to the residence since the previous night when they ordered delivery food.

19. A swimming pool in Australia has put up signs targeted at migrants telling them not to grope women or enter the female changing room. “But that just applies to migrants, right?” said Trump backstage at a beauty pageant.

20. A rugby player in Australia, who forgot he had a three-week-old child after suffering a vicious tackle, is suing the opposing team for $1.4 million. And, in related news, President Trump is willing to pay $1.4 million for someone to recreate that hit on him:

21. Officials at a zoo in Tokyo are eliciting suggestions online for names for a newly born panda cub. Or, they could just cut out the middleman, and name it Panda McPandaface.

22. Authorities in Alabama arrested a man after he brought his daughter to a drug deal. Said the man, “I learned two valuable lessons today. Don’t bring a child to a drug deal. And my daughter has a street value of three and a half pounds of cocaine.”

23. A mom was arrested at a Queens casino for leaving her 10-year-old daughter inside their parked car for an hour and a half while she gambled. Although, in her defense, the last time she brought a kid into the casino, she lost her son on the river.

24. Ivanka Trump shared some photos of her daughter’s recent sixth birthday party, including an image of marshmallows on hot dogs. Alright, now she really is a fucking monster.

25. A six-week online program, taught in Russian, teaches students how to steal credit card data and hack PayPal accounts. Said recent graduate Donald Trump Jr., “Actually the course is mostly about adoptions.”

June 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Google revealed on Tuesday that the most-searched-for jobs are government jobs. Or, more accurately, how to get out of government jobs:

2. Paul McCartney announced this week that he will tour Australia for the first time in over twenty years. Said Australians, “Come to think of it, we haven’t seen John in a while either.”

3. It was alleged yesterday that former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn failed to reported yet another foreign trip involving Russia. Although, at this point, I think it’s safe to call Flynn’s trips to America his foreign trips.

4. On Tuesday, three-time Oscar winner Daniel Day-Lewis announced that he is retiring from acting. Which is the same announcement my wife gave me in bed after we got married.

5. A Texas woman, who police said packed a loaded pistol in her vagina, has been sentenced to probation after she pleaded guilty. Said the judge, “Is there any room up there for an ankle monitor?”

6. Saudi Arabia’s King Salman has appointed his 31-year-old son Mohammed bin Salman as crown prince and, thus, his immediate successor. Said Trump, “Does he not have a son-in-law?”

7. A Florida woman was arrested after trying to get rid of her 2-year-old son by offering him to complete strangers. “I don’t understand, did she not have a car with a trunk?” asked Casey Anthony.

8. Attorney General Jeff Sessions has become the latest member of the Trump administration to retain a personal lawyer. According to reports, Sessions first question for his new attorney was, “What’s this Constitution thingy I keep hearing about?”

9. A Russian Orthodox priest claims that beards guards against homosexuality. “Trust me, we don’t” said Kelly Preston.

10. A man in the U.K., who was sent home from work for wearing shorts, came back wearing a dress. Good news, he was allowed to wear the dress, bad news, he now makes 30% less.

January 25, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Netflix announced that it is bringing back the makeover reality series “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” You can hear all about it in Mike Pence’s nightmares.

2. Over the weekend, a truck driver spilt 38,000 pounds of marbles over an Indianapolis highway. “And now we wait,” said Wily E. Coyote.

3. A White House source said he is confident President Trump will not seek Kellyanne Conway’s advice often because, under the current office layout, he would have to climb a flight of stairs to do so. Begging the question, can we make sure the nuclear codes are always a flight of stairs away from him?

4. Kellyanne Conway, a counselor to President Trump, said she didn’t understand why millions of people around the world attended protests Saturday. Well, maybe this will clear it up for you:

5. A 21-year-old Malaysian man had to call firefighters to assist him on Friday after he got his dick stuck in a water bottle he was using to pee into and then cut himself with a metal saw while trying to free himself. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, what happened to that water bottle?” asked Trump.

6. Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell said he would meet with President Donald Trump later this week to discuss Trump’s Supreme Court pick, and the he expects the nominee to be highly qualified and a real conservative. Or, in other words, the exact opposite of Trump himself.

7. The producer of “Hamilton” has been sued by a blind theatergoer who claimed that the Broadway musical violates federal law by failing to offer services to help blind and visually impaired people enjoy the show. If they think that’s bad, wait til they hear who was playing Hamilton.

8. Authorities in the United Arab Emirates have opened an investigation into a visit by Kim Kardashian to a Dubai government children’s charity this month and suggested it undermined local values. Said Kim, “Oh, so you’re familiar with my work.”

9. The romantic musical “La La Land” became the movie to beat at the Academy Awards after earning 14 nominations on Tuesday. “Still no,” said your boyfriend.

10. According to reports, Vice President Mike Pence calls his wife Karen, “mother.” But, you know, in that non-creepy, Norman Bates kind of way.

March 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. After winning their opening games of the NCAA Tournament, Duke and Yale will play each other on Saturday in Rhode Island. The match-up will be so white and privileged that it is already the front runner for next year’s Oscars.

2. Thursday, was St. Patrick’s Day, where drunk revelers take to the streets to celebrate. Which means today, is watch where you step Friday.

3. On Thursday, a plane that was scheduled to land at New York’s LaGuardia Airport was diverted and landed safely elsewhere after being struck by lightning. “Those lucky bastards,” said the people who were scheduled to and did land at LaGuardia.

4. On Wednesday, Italian-born model Fabio became an American citizen. Of course, the one guy I wanted Trump to deport.

5. According to a new poll, half of U.S. women say they have a “very unfavorable” view of Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump. While the other half are looking for a word stronger than “very.”

6. A San Diego man who inherited from his father a 1974 aluminum penny valued at $2 million has surrendered it to the U.S. Mint to settle a lawsuit over ownership. Here’s a picture of him turning in the coin:

7. During an interview Wednesday morning, Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump said his main foreign policy consultant is himself. He knows there’s more to foreign policy than picking wives, right?

8. Fox News has canceled its March 21st Republican presidential debate following Donald Trump’s announcement that he will not attend. “You’re not supposed to cancel things just because people don’t attend,” said WNBA execs.

9. First lady Michelle Obama said on Wednesday she has no intention to run for president. “Good call,” said this lady:

10. According to a new study, Denmark is the happiest place in the world. “Eeyore is really dragging us down,” said Disneyland.

11. Re-testing of hundreds of athletes’ samples collected at the London 2012 and Beijing 2008 Games is underway as the International Olympic Committee bids to root out cheats ahead of Rio 2016. Begging the question, are you just keeping old urine laying around?

12. A new study has determined that heavier women get paid less than skinnier women. The study was conducted by seeing how much money Kirstie Alley made on “Cheers” and then on every project after.

13. An insurance company in Atlanta has made it mandatory for all its employees to carry a gun. “So, I’ll ask you again, do you want additional life insurance?”

14. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau on Friday joked that he is not expecting an influx of unhappy Americans across the border if Republican Donald Trump becomes president. Mainly because most Americans can’t locate Canada on a map.

15. Reporter Michelle Fields filed a criminal complaint on Friday against Republican presidential election front-runner Donald Trump’s campaign manager, saying he grabbed her arm at a rally with such force that he left bruises. So it’s possible Donald Trump doesn’t have a bad spray tan, but, instead, is just covered in one gigantic indian burn.

16. A group that wanted to draft House Speaker Paul Ryan as a Republican presidential candidate is shutting down, a day after Ryan’s political operation sent the organization a cease-and-desist letter demanding it halt its campaign. Begging the question, can Ryan’s political operation send one of those letters to Donald Trump?

17. According to a new study, many parents don’t remember if their children were tested for hearing loss at birth. Although, if, in a few years, your kid likes “One Direction,” you’ll know they weren’t.

18. An Egyptian court on Saturday sentenced a prominent Facebook user to three years in prison with hard labor after he asserted on television that many married women in the conservative country were unfaithful. Which may seem harsh until you remember that he was described as ‘a prominent Facebook user.’

19. According to a new study, woman who make the first move in online dating tend to be rewarded. Especially if that first move is swiping left.

20. Last week, the chihuahua that played Reese Witherspoon’s canine companion in “Legally Blonde” died. Although, he was an actor, so maybe he’s just really good at playing dead.

February 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new survey, more young voters would rather have a meal with Bernie Sanders than Beyonce. So, hope you like herring with a side of schmaltz, kids.

2. On Friday, former-Mexican president Vicente Fox said that Donald Trump reminded him of Adolf Hitler. Which can only mean one thing, Fox heard about the Hitler micro-penis story.

3. MAC Cosmetics announced on Friday that it is partnering with Caitlyn Jenner to develop a make-up line. So you know that line is gonna have one hell of a concealer.

4. At the end of last night’s Academy Awards, which ran thirty minutes long, “Spotlight” won the Oscar for Best Motion Picture of the Year. So let’s hope, for his sake, the Pope’s DVR cut off the ending.

5. Because it’s a leap year, today is February 29th. It’s a phenomenon they we only get to experience every four years, like Hillary Clinton trying to smile through a grimace.

6. The Democratic National Committee has launched a social media campaign to get President Obama to nominate a replacement for Justice Scalia with the hashtag #FillTheSeat. Not to be confused with the hashtag I started to get my gross neighbor who likes to walk around naked to get dressed called #PutOnARobe.

7. A crew of goats brought in to devour invasive plants at a Oregon state park have been fired because they ate indiscriminately, cost nearly five times as much as humans and smelled far worse. Which are coincidentally the exact same reasons Steven Seagal got fired from his last movie.

8. In a campaign speech in Georgia on Saturday, presidential candidate Marco Rubio said Donald Trump “should sue whoever did that to his face.” Presumably because Rubio ran out of ‘Yo Mama’ jokes.

9. On Sunday, Republican presidential candidate John Kasich predicted that Donald Trump will sweep all 12 of the Super Tuesday states this week. But, you should take that prediction with a grain of salt since it comes from the guy who also predicted that John Kasich had a realistic shot at being president.

10. Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump said on Friday that if elected he would “open up” libel laws to make suing the media easier. And, in future news, Donald Trump’s lawyers have died of exhaustion.

February 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, the Congressional Black Caucus endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. An endorsement that would have helped out a lot more eight years ago.

2. According to a new study, toddlers who speak two languages are better than their peers at solving particular kinds of problems. Problems, like “What’s the cleaning the lady saying?”

3. Ted Cruz’s campaign has pulled its most recent ad after learning one of the actresses in the spot is also a softcore porn star. “You almost had my vote,” said Bill Clinton.

4. This week, the state of Delaware issued a formal apology for slavery to its African-American residents. The apology starts, “Dear Todd.”

5. The Art Institute of Chicago has commissioned a recreation of painter Vincent Van Gogh’s bedroom and is making it available to rent on Airbnb. And, despite popular belief, it won’t cost an arm and a leg, just an ear.

6. The Wall Street Journal reported that Google is developing a virtual reality headset that works without a smartphone or computer. The company is crafting a virtual reality where Google Glass never existed.

7. Kathleen Willey, one of the women who previously accused former President Bill Clinton of sexual assault has agreed to work for an anti-Clinton political group. “You would get a lot more volunteers if you made it an anti-Bill group,” said the fifty-four Cosby accusers.

8. Qatar may create special courts during the 2022 soccer World Cup to deal quickly with alcohol-consuming fans who break the law in the conservative Muslim state. The courts will have the authority to sentence offenders or, even worse, make them watch more soccer.

9. It has been reported, that one item in the swag bag given to the Academy Award nominees this year will be a fully-paid trip to Israel. Which explains why Mel Gibson didn’t make any movies this year.

10. According to a new study, anal sex may be linked to an increased risk of incontinence. So don’t ask grandma why she eats so many prunes unless you’re ready for the answer.

11. On Friday, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said, despite various concerns about concussions, that if he had a son, he would “love to have him play the game of football.” And, I like to think, his imaginary son would want to play football too, if only to increase the risk of getting memory loss to forget that his father is that asshole Roger Goodell.

12. A new study has found that there are certain factors that increase the likelihood of teens becoming involved in weapons. Those factors include emotional distress, substance abuse and living next to George Zimmerman.

13. Ted Cruz’s wife revealed that when he needs to relieve stress Ted calls her and sings Broadway show tunes. “My husband too!” said Kelly Preston and whoever Tom Cruise is married to now.

14. A new article has found that a fifty-five gallon barrel of sex lube is now over thirty-six times more expansive than a barrel of crude oil. You can read all about it in this month’s edition of “Don’t Ask Us How We Figured This Out” magazine…and also “Vogue.”

15. Last week, a Tennessee man with the word ‘psycho’ tattooed on his forehead was arrested for stabbing man in the stomach. “That guy is giving men with tattoos on their faces a bad name,” said Mike Tyson.

February 1, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, the tiny Italian town of Ostana welcomed its first baby in almost 30 years. “Well,there goes the neighborhood,” said Casey Anthony.

2. According to a new poll, 57% of Americans are pessimistic about their country’s future. While the remaining 43% apparently haven’t heard that Donald Trump is leading in the polls.

3. The White House said that President Obama will make his first visit as president to a U.S. mosque next week in a defense of religious freedom. “Oh good, we won’t have to photoshop that picture any more,” said Fox News.

4. The sheriff of the California county that operates the jail from which three prisoners escaped earlier this month said she was “deeply concerned” about how long it took to discover the men were missing. Adding, “Even more troubling, no one even noticed my new hairdo.”

5. Last week, a man who looked strikingly similar to Bradley Cooper made the rounds at the Sundance Film Festival getting into parties by impersonating the Academy Award-nominated actor. The real Cooper is claiming that the same man also impersonated him in “Aloha” and the Hangovers 2 & 3.

6. According to an investigation, baseball players at a Dallas-area high school had a “fight club” in the batting cages. Which explains why the first rule of fight club was remember to turn off the pitching machines.

7. On Saturday, the New York Times endorsed Joh Kasich for president. A nice reminder that both the dying medium that is newspapers and Jon Kasich still exist.

8. Dr. Bennet Omalu, the doctor whose discovery of CTE in football players inspired the movie “Concussion,” believes that O.J. Simpson is suffering from the disease. That means, a man who murdered his wife and a waiter twenty years ago is now somehow going to become even more unhinged.

9. On Saturday, swimming’s world governing body FINA announced it had temporarily suspended the Mexican federation. Said Donald Trump, who is a big proponent of building a wall along the Mexican border “Wait! They can swim!?!”

10. According to a new report, Billionaires Charles and David Koch, the Republican brothers who are a driving force behind conservative politics and election financing, are launching a new group to target social issues such as poverty and education. No word on whether they are pro- or anti- education and poverty.

October 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Presidential candidate Donald Trump was scheduled to appear on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” Tuesday night, but cancelled at the last second. Trump cancelled presumably because he found a younger, hotter talk show to go on.

2. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is currently touring around the South trying to appeal to southern voters and make the case that he’s one of them. Which explains why he keeps talking about how attracted he is to his own daughter.

3. According to a new survey, the proportion of adults that admit to using marijuana has doubled over the past ten years. But that’s only because researchers started counting “what was the question again?” as a “yes.”

4. In New York, a 100-year-old woman still works 11 hours a day, six days a week. The woman doesn’t work seven days a week because she’s a fucking slacker.

5. Architects in Zurich have created a construction robot capable of laying bricks into pre-programmed structures. Even more impressive, the robot stops whatever it is doing to harasses any woman that walks by.

6. According to a autopsy, a Brazilian man who died suddenly on a flight from Portugal to Ireland, after becoming agitated and biting a fellow passenger, had swallowed packages of cocaine pre-flight. Doctors believe one of the packages burst, causing his death or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, natural causes.

7. It was announced yesterday that comedian Chris Rock will host the 2016 Academy Awards. Rock is expected to set the record for most times the n-word has been said during an Oscars broadcast since Mel Gibson’s 1995 acceptance speech for “Braveheart.”

8. Items belonging to action star Sylvester Stallone are on display in New York ahead of an upcoming auction. Proceeds of the auction will go to a very needy cause, Frank Stallone.

9. On Wednesday, Vice President Joe Biden said he would not run for president in 2016. “Looks like I scared him,” said Lincoln Chafee.

10. Last night, the New York Mets beat the Chicago Cubs to advance to the World Series where they will attempt to win their first title since 1986. Or, according to Daryl Strawberry’s memory, their first title ever.

April 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to Star magazine, actor Leonardo DiCaprio is hooked on the dating app Tinder. Finally, someone has made it easy for Leo to get women. Because it was such a struggle before.

2. According to Star magazine, actor Leonardo DiCaprio is hooked on the dating app Tinder. Although, I saw ‘the Great Gatsby,’ and if he’s interested in ever getting an Oscar, his best bet is Grindr.

3. According to reports, heavily tattooed wrists can prevent the new Apple Watch from working properly. And I’m assuming those guys can’t wear the watch on their ankles because of the court mandated ankle monitor.

4. According to South Korean intelligence, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has executed 15 senior officials so far this year. You know, with a solid 40 time, he could get drafted today by the Patriots to play tight end.

5. A recent Instagram photo showed the cast of the popular Disney show ‘Lizzie McGuire’ all together for a reunion. “I didn’t do it on purpose, it just ended up that way,” said the shift-manager at Applebees.

6. A notorious hacker claims to have devised a technique that will crack the combination to any Master Lock in under two minutes. So congratulations to that criminal mastermind, hope you like dirty gym clothes.

7. Scientists have identified chemical markers in urine that are linked to body mass, offering clues about why obese people are more likely to develop illnesses such as cancer, diabetes, stroke and heart disease. The first clue, their urine is 80% Mountain Dew.

8. On Wednesday, Arkansas Derby winner American Pharaoh was installed as the favorite for this weekend’s 141st Kentucky Derby. Marking the first time in history anyone has ever uttered the phrase, “He’s got a good chance as succeeding, after all, he was a winner in Arkansas.”

9. Budweiser is being criticized for its latest tagline “Bud Light, the perfect beer to remove ‘no’ from your vocabulary for the night.” As is “Yeah, I guess I’ll have a Bud Light.”

10. On Wednesday, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton urged policemen throughout the country to use body cameras. Or, as Bill Clinton heard it, “She’s finally warmed up to the idea of role playing and I can video tape it.”