January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

May 10, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Millionaire business-woman Michelle Mone said her most embarrassing moment was when she scooped up an adorable Vietnamese ‘child’ in front of 3,000 people only to discover he was actually a 46-year-old married man. Which, I’m pretty sure, is how Katie Holmes met Tom Cruise.

2. Last week, comedian Eddie Murphy welcomed his eighth child. Because if we’ve learned anything from Murphy’s film career, it’s that he doesn’t know when to stop.

3. Over the weekend, singer Justin Bieber got a small tattoo of a cross just above the corner of his right eye that represents his journey in life to find God. Said God, “Please don’t tell him where I am.”

4. According to new data, the number of children under six poisoned by nicotine in e-cigarettes rose by nearly 1,500% between 2013 and 2015. That’s why I have my baby on the patch.

5. A soccer referee was arrested last week after reportedly relieving himself behind the stands in view of students and parents during a high school soccer game. Which seems like an extreme overreaction, he probably should have been given a yellow card.

6. On Monday, SeaWorld’s CEO said their killer whales will no longer kiss or dance during shows. That is, until Kevin Bacon moves into town.

7. A new product has come to market called the LifeStraw which filters out 99% of water-borne bacteria allowing the user to safely drink contaminated water. And Mountain Dew.

8. A teacher’s aide at Tampa Bay high school was arrested Friday on charges that she had intercourse with two males students. But, in her defense, the aide was just doing her job, as the teacher was busy fucking two other students at the time.

9. 14-year-old Joseph Ware’s service dog Presley got her own photo in Ware’s middle school yearbook. Despite the inclusion of Presley, Stephanie Miller was still voted “Most Likely to Take a Shit in Public.”

10. Last week, actress Gwyneth Paltrow announced that her lifestyle brand GOOP will release its first ever sex newsletter. While I announced that I am consciously unsubscribing.

October 7, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, young kids who were exposed to BPA before birth are more likely to have a wheeze before the age of five. Also a contributing factor to developing a wheeze, marrying George Jefferson.

2. It was announced yesterday that “Twin Peaks, the murder mystery TV series from the 1990s, will return to the airwaves on paid cable channel Showtime in 2016. It will be very different from the “Twin Peaks” that airs on Cinemax.

3. The Jacksonville Jaguars mascot is catching heat for a sign he held up making light of the Ebola outbreak at a game over the weekend against the Steelers. Luckily, since it was a Jags home game, no one was in the stands to be offended.

4. On Monday, the Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded to a group of doctors who discovered cells in the human brain that act as the body’s GPS and help people navigate. The doctors are now working to determine why these cells are missing in all New York City tourists.

5. A group of protestors in Ferguson disrupted the St. Louis Symphony during intermission by creating a flash mob and demanding justice for Michael Brown. Employees became suspicious when people showed up to the symphony.

6. Goop, the lifestyle blog founded by actress Gwyneth Paltrow in 2008, named a new CEO on Monday. Goop, that’s a stupid name for a website. By the way, thank you for checking out prejectedjokes.com.

7. Willie Nelson’s trademark hair braids sold for $37,000 at an auction over the weekend. Which is the exact opposite of buying clean urine for a drug test.

8. According to a new study, more than one-quarter of teens engage in sexting and those who send explicit photos of themselves are more likely to become sexually active sooner. So keep at it teenage boys, it’s really just a numbers game.

9. On Monday, President Obama said the government would develop a screening process for airline passengers aimed at preventing the spread of the Ebola virus. The new process would be a survey consisting of one question: Are you coming from Africa?

10. Former President Bill Clinton returned to Arkansas on Monday for two days of rallies aimed at energizing Democratic voters in state political races. Said Clinton, “It’s so nice to see so many familiar faces, especially many of the toddlers whose faces are eerily similar to my own.”