May 7, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Michael Jackson’s glove and George Harrison’s guitar are set to be auction off in New York next week. Man, if that guitar could talk it would probably say “Get me away from that glove.”

2. Austrian prosecutors have charged the owner of a basement filled with Adolf Hitler paraphernalia as a Nazis sympathizer. “See, that’s why you gotta have a pool house,” said Mel Gibson.

3. Politico reported on Wednesday that Michigan Governor Rick Snyder will not seek the Republican nomination for president in 2016. You know, if the Republicans who are not interested in running for president came forward, we could save a lot of time.

4. The birth certificate of the new royal baby lists her father’s occupation as prince of the United Kingdom. While the same spot on North West’s birth certificate says “You know who the fuck I am!”

5. Former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum told FoxNews on Wednesday, he will announced on May 28 whether he will seek the Republican presidential nomination in 2016. Santorum said he is tempted to run since, now that Ted Cruz is in, he will no longer be considered ‘the crazy one.’

6. On Mother’s Day, moms who go to Hooters can get a free meal with any drink purchase. It’s a great backup plan in case the strip club buffet runs out of food.

7. According to a recently released report, New England quarterback Tom Brady was “at least generally aware” of the scheme to deliberately deflate footballs to gain an advantage last season. “See, it’s not my fault, I was around bad influences,” said Aaron Hernandez.

8. According to new data, millennials are having fewer babies. “Guess it’s time to start sending resumes around,” said the producers of ’16 and Pregnant.’

9. According to new World Health Organization projections, Europe will face an obesity crisis of vast proportions by 2030. Although, it seemed inappropriate for the report to label America as a cautionary tale.

10. A new study has found a link between being too thin and an increased risk of developing dementia. Which means, in 20 years, Kelly Ripa may be more senile than Regis.

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