May 11, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, following a live performance, Maroon 5 lead singer Adam Levine was covered in powdered sugar after a fan threw a bag containing the sweet confection at him. Levine said he was scared, while fellow singer Adele said she was jealous.

2. Yesterday was Mother’s Day. So, if this is the first you’re hearing about it, you’re either an orphan or are one now.

3. On Sunday, President Obama surprised three mothers with individual phone calls to wish them a happy Mother’s Day. So hopefully their kids called first because good luck trying to follow that shit.

4. On Friday, President Obama completed his goal of visiting all fifty states while in office by making a stop in South Dakota. Said Obama, “Okay, now let’s get the fuck outta here.”

5. Haile Gebrselassie, considered one of athletics’ greatest distance runners, said on Sunday he was retiring from competitive running. “Oh, thank God,” said announcers.

6. According to the New York Times, taxi service Uber has submitted a $3 billion bid for Nokia’s map business HERE. The bid would have been for less, but it was submitted during peak hours.

7. A winning Conservative candidate in Britain’s general election said on Friday he would like to thank the anonymous voter who drew a penis next to his name on the ballot and had it counted as a valid vote. Even worse, he didn’t draw a ‘hanging chad,’ if you know what I mean.

8. The Australian Sex Party, a tiny political party known for its salacious name and election day antics, said on Thursday that it had been deregistered after the country’s election watchdog ruled it did not have enough activists. Or, more accurately, like most sex parties, it was cancelled because it did not have enough female activists.

9. A defense department audit has found that a number of Pentagon credit cards were used to gamble and pay for pornography. Said Pentagon officials, “We were just trying to solve the mystery of who Deep Throat was.”

10. Oil leaked into the Hudson River on Sunday after a transformer fire and explosion a day earlier at a nuclear power plant north of New York City. As a result, the mob has dropped “with the fishes” from their threats.

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