Tag Archives: Haiti

March 25, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Thomas Panek, a blind runner, made history on Sunday by completing the 2019 New York City Half Marathon without any human help. Panek said the hardest part of running through New York City’s boroughs was his heightened sense of smell.

2. A blind runner, made history on Sunday by completing the 2019 New York City Half Marathon without any human help. Which is impressive until you find out he was trying to run the Chicago marathon.

3. New York governor Andrew Cuomo has endorsed a new two-strikes plan that would permanently ban people from the subway who are convicted of two sexual offenses on mass transit. Said the creepy guy on the G-train, “If I never put it away, that only counts as one strike, right?”

4. In a recent interview, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said that it’s possible that God sent Trump to save the Jews. Ah, yes, much like God sent that flood to save Noah.

5. President Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani said Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report  was more positive than he had anticipated. It’s always a good sign when your own lawyer is like “Even I’m surprised they found you not guilty.” 

6. This week, Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin said he made sure his nine children were exposed to chickenpox and caught the disease instead of giving them a vaccine. Even worse, he used to have ten. 

7. This week, Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin said he made sure his nine children were exposed to chickenpox and caught the disease instead of giving them a vaccine. Not surprising that the guy with nine kids doesn’t like using protection. 

8. An albino pengiun made its debut appearance at a Polish zoo on Friday. Although, considering it’s a Polish zoo, there’s a good chance it’s just a fat dove.

9. According to new research, exposing cheese to round-the-clock music may give it more flavor. That story again, researchers have run out of things to study. 

10. A company in Japan has created a wearable milk tank shaped like a female breast in an effort to make it possible for men to breastfeed their children. So if you’re a new father looking for a way to bond with your baby, keep looking. 

11. During a speech this week, President Trump complained that he was not given a thank you for his handling of Senator John McCain’s funeral. But, in Trump’s defense, can you imagine how many people are going to say ‘thank you’ when Trump dies. 

12. 89-years ago this week, Colonel Sanders founded the first-ever Kentucky Fried Chicken store. Said President Trump to Melania, “Happy Anniversary!” 

13. On Friday, President Trump met with the leaders of the Bahamas, Dominican Republic, Haiti, Jamaica and Saint Lucia at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida. Said Trump, “If you’re here, who’s mowing the lawn?”

14. Beto O’Rourke raised more than $6.1 million within the first 24 hours of announcing his candidacy for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination. And, by the look of it, I’m guessing, it was mostly in singles:

15. A man stripped down to skimpy underwear and took a stroll through Moscow’s State Tretyakov Gallery on Wednesday evening in what it called an “unsanctioned performance.” That story again, apparently Shia LaBeouf is in Russia.

May 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. This week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said he supports efforts to raise the minimum wage to $10. But that’s only because he doesn’t know that $1 and $5 bills exist.

2. According to a new report, 1 in 4 adults worldwide are anti-Semitic. The number used to be much lower, but then Donald Sterling opened his mouth.

3. The Oprah Winfrey Network announced on Wednesday that it had purchased the rights to a documentary series that will follow the life of openly gay NFL draftee Michael Sam. The last time OWN cameras were in a football locker room was that episode of “Lindsay” where she fucked the entire roster of the Dallas Cowboys.

4. The formal royal editor of Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World tabloid admitted to a London court to repeatedly hacking the phones of Princes William and Harry. While those compromising pictures of Camilla Parker Bowles remain completely untouched on Prince Charles’ phone.

5. A 100-carat yellow diamond sold at auction for $9.7 million to a private buyer yesterday. Begging the question, what’s Kobe apologizing for this time?

6. On Monday, Pope Francis said he’d baptize Martians if they showed up at the Vatican demanding to be baptized. So, for the record, gays no, Martians yes.

7. Justin Bieber is being accused of stealing a woman’s cell phone after she allegedly took pictures of the pop star’s involvement in an altercation. Is it possible that Biebs is modeling his life after King Joffrey and, if so, can please let it end the same way.

8. A world-renowned underwater explorer believes he’s found Christopher Columbus’ long-lost cargo ship, the Santa Maria, which was wrecked by a storm off the coast of Haiti. So, at this rate, we’ll find Malaysian flight 370 by 2536.

9. According to a new study, women are at an increased risk of being seriously injured from a motor vehicle accident during the second trimester of pregnancy. Making for the very weird slogan of “Abortions, you’ll drive better.”

10. Jay-Z, Beyonce and Drake led the BET Award nominations announced on Wednesday with five nods apiece. While the “Biggest Hit of the Year” category was locked up by Solange Knowles last week.

May 13, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. R&B singer Chris Brown admitted to violating his probation on Friday and was sentenced to a year in jail. But, when you factor in time-off for good behavior, he’ll probably be in there much longer.

2. Austrian drag queen Conchita Wurst, popularly known as “the bearded lady,” won the Eurovision Song Contest on Saturday before a global TV audience of about 180 million people in 45 countries. So watch your back, Pink.

3. Nintendo on Friday apologized to gamers for leaving same-sex couples out of an upcoming “life simulation” game that lets players flirt, date, marry and have children. Although I’m more offended that they have classified a game in which Nintendo enthusiasts flirt and date as a “life simulator.”

4. A video has surfaced online of Solange Knowles, younger sister of Beyonce, assaulting her brother-in-law Jay-Z in an elevator. So apparently now he has 100 problems.

5. Yesterday, a Haitian orphan became the first person to be fitted with a prosthetic hand made by a 3-D printer. Said the orphan, “How bout printing me up some parents while you’re at it?”

6. On Monday, U.S. health officials in Orlando, Florida confirmed the country’s second case of MERS, a deadly virus that originated in the Middle East and has been linked to contact with camels. But, on the plus side, Jasmine may be single in a week.

7. Venezuelan doctor Jacinto Conuit, renowned for his development of a leprosy vaccine, died on Monday at the age of 100. Funeral services will be held this Thursday at the Caracas Catholic Church and, if you decide to attend, you may want to consider skipping the whole “peace be with you” handshake thing.

8. According to a new study, a compound found in red wine and chocolate may not be linked to improved health as once claimed. The study also found that Santa is not real, there is no heaven and those jeans do in fact make your ass look fat.

9. According to a new study, kids who were bullied may experience physical consequences like low-grade inflammation throughout the body, later in life. Begging the question, what the hell did those kids say to 5-year-old Chris Christie?

10. Hundreds of same-sex couples crowded the county courthouse in Little Rock, Arkansas on Monday morning to receive marriage licenses after a judge last week struck down the state’s 10-year ban on gay marriage. Said former Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton, “Please be lesbians. Please be lesbians…”

March 18, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A 4.4 magnitude earthquake struck Los Angeles early yesterday morning. “Oh good, it wasn’t just me,” said Michael J. Fox.

2. Fred Phelps, the founder of the controversial Westboro Baptist Church known for their “God Hates Fags” demonstrations, is reportedly very ill and on the verge of death. According to his wishes, no matter how dire, Phelps does not want to be resuscitated because he doesn’t “go for that gay mouth-to-mouth stuff.”

3. Fred Phelps, the founder of the controversial Westboro Baptist Church known for their “God Hates Fags” demonstrations, is reportedly very ill and on the verge of death. If Phelps dies, I will be forced to change my typical response to news of deaths which has always been: What a shame, should have been Fred Phelps.

4. TV pitchman Kevin Trudeau was sentenced to 10 years in prison on Monday for bilking consumers. I don’t know about the shipping, but I’m sure the handling of his goods will be complimentary in jail.

5. In the Illinois primary elections held on today, candidates on Chicago’s Democratic ballot will include someone who served a prison term for bribery, another who is due to go on trial on bribery charges and a third charged with bank fraud. Or, as it is known in Chicago, an election.

6. Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on Saturday called on the Republican Party to become more inclusive. Said Republicans, “Security!”

7. Over the weekend, the country of Haiti announced it will start manufacturing and producing Android tablets within the country. As in “Here’s your problem ma’am, it was ‘Made in Haiti.’”

8. A gun expert testified on Monday that months before killing his girlfriend, Oscar Pistorius claimed to have drawn his gun and went into “combat mode” after hearing the noise of a possible intruder in his home, which turned out to be his laundry machine. Pistorius was then forced to shoot the dryer to get rid of any witnesses.

9. Latino groups and immigration advocates said on Friday they expect President Obama to ease back on the deportation of illegal immigrants after discussing their concerns with him for almost two hours. Which may seem like a long time until you realize they cleaned the entire White House in that time.

10. Billionaire James Irsay, the owner of the Indianapolis Colts, was jailed early Monday morning on suspicion of driving while intoxicated and possession of a controlled substance. Looks like he’s the Brittney and Peyton’s the Justin of this breakup.