1. R&B singer Chris Brown admitted to violating his probation on Friday and was sentenced to a year in jail. But, when you factor in time-off for good behavior, he’ll probably be in there much longer.

2. Austrian drag queen Conchita Wurst, popularly known as “the bearded lady,” won the Eurovision Song Contest on Saturday before a global TV audience of about 180 million people in 45 countries. So watch your back, Pink.

3. Nintendo on Friday apologized to gamers for leaving same-sex couples out of an upcoming “life simulation” game that lets players flirt, date, marry and have children. Although I’m more offended that they have classified a game in which Nintendo enthusiasts flirt and date as a “life simulator.”

4. A video has surfaced online of Solange Knowles, younger sister of Beyonce, assaulting her brother-in-law Jay-Z in an elevator. So apparently now he has 100 problems.

5. Yesterday, a Haitian orphan became the first person to be fitted with a prosthetic hand made by a 3-D printer. Said the orphan, “How bout printing me up some parents while you’re at it?”

6. On Monday, U.S. health officials in Orlando, Florida confirmed the country’s second case of MERS, a deadly virus that originated in the Middle East and has been linked to contact with camels. But, on the plus side, Jasmine may be single in a week.

7. Venezuelan doctor Jacinto Conuit, renowned for his development of a leprosy vaccine, died on Monday at the age of 100. Funeral services will be held this Thursday at the Caracas Catholic Church and, if you decide to attend, you may want to consider skipping the whole “peace be with you” handshake thing.

8. According to a new study, a compound found in red wine and chocolate may not be linked to improved health as once claimed. The study also found that Santa is not real, there is no heaven and those jeans do in fact make your ass look fat.

9. According to a new study, kids who were bullied may experience physical consequences like low-grade inflammation throughout the body, later in life. Begging the question, what the hell did those kids say to 5-year-old Chris Christie?

10. Hundreds of same-sex couples crowded the county courthouse in Little Rock, Arkansas on Monday morning to receive marriage licenses after a judge last week struck down the state’s 10-year ban on gay marriage. Said former Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton, “Please be lesbians. Please be lesbians…”