December 10, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Prince William and Kate Middleton attended a Brooklyn Nets game with Jay-Z and Beyonce. Not to be outdone, Prince Charles and Camilla were allowed to play point guard for the New York Knicks.

2. Justin Bieber has reportedly dyed his hair platinum blonde. He’s gonna be pretty disappointed when he finds out Peter Pan Live already aired and he didn’t get the Tinkerbell role.

3. Marijuana activists in Washington D.C. are worried that a congressional deal over the budget will thwart November’s popular vote to legalize pot in the district. I can’t believe potheads are being paranoid about something.

4. Former President George W. Bush said a New York grand jury’s decision not to indict the police officer who choked and killed Eric Garner was “hard to understand.” So add that to the long list of things Bush doesn’t understand.

5. On Tuesday, a baby was born on a Southwest flight from San Francisco to Phoenix. The birth marked the first time anything associated with Southwest arrived early.

6. MIT economics professor Jonathan Gruber apologized on Tuesday for his “glib, thoughtless and sometimes downright insulting comments” about Obamacare and the intelligence of American voters. Said Gruber, “I’ll make sure to use small words in this apology so you idiots will understand.”

7. The Syfy channel is developing “Krypton,” a prequel origin series that will tell the story of Superman’s grandfather. The show will mainly consist of the elder Superman complaining about space immigrants taking all the good Kryptonian jobs.

8. Tacked to the end of the 1,603-page government spending bill released by the U.S. House of Representatives late Tuesday is a provision that would enable wealthy individuals to make significantly larger contributions to political parties. Ah, c’mon, I’m only on page 576, you gotta say ‘Spoiler Alert.’

9. On Tuesday, the Oklahoma City Public School Board unanimously voted to remove “Redskins” as the nickname for a local high school. They decided to do so, not because they thought the name was offensive to Native Americans, but because they didn’t want to be associated in any way with that train wreck of a football team in Washington.

10. According to a new study, the day of the week with the most workplace murders is Monday. But, on the plus-side, six-day weekend.

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