December 8, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to the White House, President Obama underwent a routine CT scan Saturday afternoon while visiting Walter Reed Medical Center because of a sore throat. Ironically, the procedure wasn’t covered by his insurance.

2. William and Kate, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived in New York City on Sunday for a three-day visit. So let me be the first to welcome the Royal Couple to the city by saying “Watch where you’re going and don’t block the sidewalk, you fucking tourists.”

3. A love letter written by Joe DiMaggio to his one-time wife Marilyn Monroe sold for more than $78,000 at auction over the weekend. The one penned by Lou Gehrig sold for significantly less since it was pretty much illegible.

4. A love letter written by Joe DiMaggio to his one-time wife Marilyn Monroe sold for more than $78,000 at auction over the weekend. Proving that romantic gestures by sports greats only increase in value over time, so hang onto those Favre dick pics, ladies.

5. A documentary entitled “Backstreet Boys: Show ‘Em What You’re Made Of” will be released theatrically on January 30 and on demand the weekend of the Super Bowl. Because, odds are, if you’re a fan of the Backstreet Boys, that weekend is open.

6. Six men held for more than a decade at the U.S. military prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, were flown to Uruguay for resettlement on Sunday. “Wait, what?” said Uruguay.

7. Thousands of mourners gathered in downtown Washington on Saturday to bid farewell to former mayor Marion Barry. There wasn’t a dry, non-bloodshot eye in the house, for various reasons.

8. The LA Galaxy won a record fifth Major League Soccer title with a 2-1 victory over the New England Revolution during Sunday’s MLS Cup. Said U.S. soccer fans, “We exist?”

9. Comedian Bill Cosby’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was vandalized on Friday with the word “rapist” written over it. Actually, it had been there for 40 years, but apparently no one noticed until recently.

10. A small but growing number of Arabs are moving into Jewish settlements on occupied land in Israel. Said the Arabs, “They were right, it is a little drafty in here.”

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