April 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new survey, 1 out of 4 Americans didn’t exercise at all last year. And, according to a survey I conducted with my eyes, the remaining 3 out of 4 Americans are liars.

2. According to reports, Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont will announce his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination on Thursday. Sanders is hoping to capitalize on Obama’s low approval numbers, because what’s the opposite of a black president? A white guy from Vermont.

3. According to a new study, six-year-olds whose mothers were severely obese before pregnancy are more likely to have emotional problems when they grow up. Of course those emotional problems will lead them to sleeping with fat chicks, and thus, the circle of life is complete.

4. Today, the Baltimore Orioles will host the Chicago White Sox in a game closed to the public due to the ongoing riots in Baltimore. After the game, the White Sox are scheduled to play a three-game series in Cleveland against the Indians, so that will be four games in a row the White Sox have played in front of empty stadiums.

5. Hollister and Abercrombie & Fitch announced that they will stop using shirtless male models at store openings and events. While McDonalds will continue the practice, out of necessity, because their employees can’t afford shirts.

6. A Dutch designer has created a sex toy that can hold cremated ashes and comes with a speaker and perfume in order to recreate an intimate night with a deceased loved one. Said the inventor, “I miss you, grandma.”

7. Kate Middleton, the pregnant wife of Prince William, is past her due date and, as a result, doctors may have to induce her into labor. Good luck with that because, if history is any guide, this is not a family that’s big on labor.

8. Yesterday, possible presidential hopeful Jeb Bush said he believes Puerto Rico should become the 51st state. While his brother George disagreed, saying Jeb “couldn’t be more wrong,” and Puerto Rico would become “the 43rd state.”

9. Colombia’s health ministry has recommended suspending a herbicide used in aerial spraying of cocaine crops after a report by the World Health Organization found it to be a likely cause of cancer. Because, as everyone knows, coke-heads are notoriously strict about what they put in their bodies.

10. Yesterday, it was announced that Lifetime has greenlit a movie entitled “The Unauthorized Full House Story” with casting to begin immediately. You know it’s gonna be pretty sad when Dave Couiler loses out on the part of Dave Couiler.

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