April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

December 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Dutch ambassador Peter Hoekstra lied to a news reporter about comments he perviously made, and then, when confronted with those comments, lied about lying. Said Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, “The lying gets worse, I just checked a map and there’s no such place as Dutch”

2. The man who dropped off a gift-wrapped box of horse manure to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin’s Los Angeles home said he did so in response to Congress’s newly passed tax bill. But that’s not a good comparison because at least the man gift-wrapped his package of shit.

3. A man in Mexico who claims to have a 19-inch penis says his member makes it impossible for him to hold down a job because he can’t kneel or wear a uniform. In other news, A-Rod hit 696 home runs with a career batting average of .295:

4. According to the numbers, Donald Trump visited a Trump-owned property over 100 times in his first year as president. And the number goes up dramatically if you consider Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan Trump-owned properties.

5. Callista Gingrich, wife of former speaker of the House of Representatives Newt Gingrich, on Friday became U.S. ambassador to the Vatican. That crazy story again, the woman who is married to Newt Gingrich and has presumably seen him naked still believes in God.

6. Michelin-starred chef Massimo Bottura plans to open two new restaurants in Paris and Naples next year, where the food will be free, made from supermarket scraps and served only to the poor. Or, as it’s more commonly known. Arby’s.

7. On Sunday, President Trump lashed out at the media tweeting, “The Fake News refuses to talk about how Big and how Strong our Base is.” I don’t know about strong, but they’ve definitely reported about how big your base is:

8. A topless protester was detained by Vatican police on Monday for attempting to steal the doll of baby Jesus from the Vatican’s nativity scene. Said the Pope, “What can I say? Bitches be cray”

9. According to a report, government officials are imploring Prince Harry not to invite former President Obama to his upcoming wedding for fear of enraging President Trump. You think Trump will be mad, wait until Jeff Sessions finds out Harry’s fiancee is half-black.

10. While eating diner at a local Applebee’s after losing to the Carolina Panthers on Christmas Eve, Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive tackle Sealver Siliga left a $1,000 tip. “I just felt bad that anyone had to work such a crummy job on Christmas Eve,” said the Applebee’s empployees of Siliga.

11. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. That story again, Grandma was a freeloader and I did her a favor by kicking her out of the house.

12. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. So, at this rate, Donald Trump is going to live forever:

13. On Wednesday, the Israeli Minister of Transportation announced that a new train station near the Western Wall will be named after President Trump. In honor of Trump, the train will have an gigantic caboose:

14. A Connecticut woman allegedly snorted cocaine in a police station while waiting to be booked on unrelated charges. Which, to her credit, is a pretty smart way to not have to wait anymore.

15. Alabama officials on Thursday certified Doug Jones the winner of the state’s Senate race, after a judge denied a legal challenge by Roy Moore. Moore will handle this rejection like he usually does, by signing the judge’s high school yearbook and stalking him at the mall.

16. Smartphone maker Apple and Japanese printer company Epson are facing legal complaints in France over allegedly speeding up the aging process of their products to stimulate demand. “I’m not so sure speeding up the aging process increases demand” said Mickey Rourke’s face:

17. China has closed more than 13,000 websites since the beginning of 2015 for breaking the law or other rules with the vast majority of people supporting government efforts to clean up cyberspace. I’ve made fun of your president and implied that Chinese people pee-pee in our coke, I guess what I’m saying is, what the fuck does a website gotta do to get banned in China?

18. A Tibetan film-maker jailed in China for making a film about the Olympics and Tibet has arrived in the United States after escaping from China. “You can be jailed in China for making unpopular movies?” asked a very concerned Adam Sandler.

May 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump interrupted a recent interview with Reuters to hand out printed maps of the U.S. detailing his electoral college victory. I assume, because the painters are still working on the Oval Office mural:

2. Representative Jason Chaffetz said he will be absent from Congress as he recovers from foot surgery after falling off a ladder last week. He needed to get the surgery quickly, because under Trump’s new healthcare plan, owning the ladder is considered a pre-existing condition.

3. An Alabama woman claims she choked on a condom in her French toast at a local International House of Pancakes. Said fellow customer Paris Hilton, “I’ll have, what she’s having.”

4. A Dutch physical therapist turned inventor has developed a tailor-made pillow that he claims will solve any sleeping problems at a price of $57,000. And, you’re gonna need all the help you can get to fall asleep after you spend $57,000 on a fucking pillow.

5. Over the weekend, a couple got married at the Spam Museum in Minnesota. I’m assuming, because the Waldorf was all booked.

6. Molly, a Jack Russell terrier from Ireland, has undergone gender reassignment surgery after vets discovered she was a hermaphrodite. Marking the first time any dog owner has genuinely asked, “Who’s a good boy?”

7. Over the weekend, President Trump claimed to have invented the phrase ‘fake news.’ And if necessity truly is the mother of invention, technically he’s right.

8. A recent defector from North Korea says that being gay is completely unheard of in that country. Which explains why there are no good hairdressers there:

9. Pickle juice soda is now a thing. And it’s still only the second worst idea the Pepsi marketing department has ever had.

10. According to reports, during a recent meeting, German Chancellor Angela Merkel was forced to explain to President Trump eleven times how trade works with European countries. Trump was reportedly very interested in Europe’s exchange policy:

October 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, a woman in Utah gave birth while checking out inside a local WalMart. The birth took employees by surprise, but, in their defense, you try figuring out which WalMart customers are pregnant:
walmart

2. During a town hall Tuesday night, President Obama revealed that once his presidency is over he plans to “sleep for two weeks.” Or, as Dr. Ben Carson refers to it, a light nap.

3. A barber in Michigan gives children a $2 discount if they read a book aloud while they get their haircut. And a $3 discount if they read “50 Shades of Grey” out loud, very slowly.

4. On Tuesday, Arkansas tried to blow up a 93-year-old bridge in Little Rock but failed after the bridge remained standing following the explosion. In response, authorities brought in an expert:
christie

5. In a recently released transcript of an unaired segment of “the Apprentice,” Donald Trump is caught on mic saying a female singer’s skin “sucked” and that “she needs some serious fucking dermatology.” Of course, to Trump, this is what he considers serious dermatology:
orange

6. This week Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he ‘loves’ WikiLeaks. Although, if history is any guide, in a couple of years he’ll find a new, younger website full of classified material that he loves more.

7. Two women accused Donald Trump of inappropriate touching in a story posted on the New York Times website on Wednesday. But, in Trump’s defense, they were in a locker room during the encounter.

8. The Dutch government intends to draft a law that would legalize assisted suicide for people who feel they have “completed life,” but are not necessarily terminally ill. Or, in other words, married.

9. On Wednesday, the Hillary Clinton campaign notified authorities that campaign manager John Podesta’s Twitter account was hacked. While, once again, the Donald Trump campaign notified authorities that, despite recent tweets, Trump’s Twitter account had not been hacked.

10. A married couple who worked at the Australian health department sent themselves over 80,000 fake death threats in an elaborate ploy that scored them hundreds of free paid days off of work. Authorities became suspicious when the couple’s child was kidnapped and the only demand in the ransom note was for “a better dental plan.”

March 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. More people on Thursday tuned in to the popular CBS comedy “The Big Bang Theory” than watched the Republican debate that was airing at the same time. Proving that people like “The Big Bang Theory” more than “Three and A Half Men”:
debate

2. A seafood wholesaler in Maine has acquired a rare four-clawed lobster. It’s perfect for anyone who likes their lobster meat sweet with a hint of uranium.

3. New York’s MTA has unveiled new, high-tech city buses that feature USB ports. But, if you’re spend so much time on city buses that your phone runs out of battery, don’t worry, no one’s calling you.

4. President Obama on Friday made a passionate case for mobile devices to be built in a way that would allow the government to gain access to personal data if needed to prevent a terrorist attack or enforce tax laws. Or figure out who Malia is texting.

5. According to research, high school girls who use the most effective methods of birth control are less likely to also use condoms, making them vulnerable to STDs. But also making them very popular amongst high school boys.

6. A zoo keeper in the Netherlands was caught on camera committing a sex act with a dolphin. Said the man, “…then don’t call it a blowhole.”

7. On Monday, expelled Yale men’s basketball captain Jack Montague said he will sue the university. Montague’s legal brief simply reads, “Do you know who my father is!!!”

8. Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump refused to take responsibility on Sunday for clashes at his campaign events and criticized protesters who have dogged his rallies and forced him to cancel one in Chicago last week. Said Trump, “It’s getting tougher and tougher to blame stuff on the Mexicans.”

9. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says his rocket company will start sending tourists into space by 2018. So I guess when Ralph Kramden threaten to send Alice to the moon, he wasn’t a domestic abuser, but, instead, a visionary.

10. An Ohio judge ruled Friday teenagers celebrating their 18th birthday before November’s election are entitled to have their votes for presidential nominees counted in today’s Ohio primary. Said teenagers, “Remember when I said those socks you bought me were the worst birthday gift ever, well I stand corrected.”

January 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a video from an elementary school in Atlanta went viral featuring a teacher and his students dancing to popular songs. It reminds me of a similar video I once saw from China, oh, wait, I never saw a video like that from China and you know why, because they’re busy learning math.

2. The Mexican military successfully hunted down and captured drug kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman last week partly because he contacted filmmakers about making an El Chapo biopic. So, if we’re locking people up for making movies now, watch your back Adam Sandler.

3. A mountain lion killed in Idaho last week exhibited a strange deformity in which another set of fully-formed teeth and whiskers had grow out of the top of its head. Two sets of fully formed teeth or, as it is known in Alabama, two sets too many.

4. Addressing concerns about his own American citizenship, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz said that his mother was born in Wilmington, Delaware, is an American citizen and always has been an American citizen. Marking the first time that anyone has ever bragged about being born in Wilmington, Delaware.

5. In a recent interview, Vice President Joe Biden said he wakes up every day and regrets not entering the presidential race. Well, every day but Saturday, because that’s when cartoons are on.

6. Last week, a Texas woman gave birth to her own grandchild after serving as a surrogate for her daughter. The family is calling it a miracle while psychiatrists are calling it a goldmine.

7. On Sunday, White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough said that President Obama will not publicly endorse a candidate before the 2016 Democratic primary election. “Good idea, wouldn’t want to make the other candidates jealous,” said Martin O’Malley.

8. Chinese drone-maker Ehang has developed the first autonomous drone that will fly humans in a helicopter-like flying machine that seats only one. Tech experts say it is the latest and most high-tech way to die in a fiery crash.

9. Former Dutch discus thrower Ria Stalman, who won Olympic gold 32 years ago, has admitted to doping in the latter stages of her career. Luckily for Stalman, no one gives a shit about discus.

10. Demand for the first edition of Hitler’s “Mein Kampf” to be printed in Germany since his death have surprised the publisher, with orders out-numbering books by 4 to 1. Those unable to get their hands on a copy of “Mein Kampf” will be forced to settle for a copy of Donald Trump’s “Crippled America: How to Make America Great Again.”

January 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Atlanta Falcons running-back Tevin Coleman suffered a concussion after slipping in the shower. “That’s why I always advocated a buddy system in the team showers,” said Jerry Sandusky.

2. British astronaut Tim Peake, who is stationed on the International Space Station in orbit above Earth, attempted to call home, but accidentally dialed the wrong number. Even worse, especially for the person on the other end of the line, he called collect.

3. Last week, Harlem Globetrotter great Meadowlark Lemon died at the age of 83. As per his request, he will be cremated, his ashes put in a bucket, secretly switched with a buck of water and thrown onto a lucky fan sitting courtside.

4. A South African lion named Brutus who fathered three “miracle” cubs despite having had a vasectomy in his youth is going back to the vet to have the operation a second time. As a result, zookeepers have changed Brutus’s named to Kevin Federlion.

5. Last week, a Dutch court decided that a woman who won a $2.3 million lottery during a divorce has no obligation to share it with her ex-husband. Said the husband, “I meant reconcilable.”

6. Amidst growing unrest, Mayor Rahm Emanuel outlined new efforts to better train and equip Chicago police officers, which included doubling the number of tasers given to officers. And in future news, Chicago police officers mistake tasers for real guns, and shoot each other.

7. Just days after being charged with sexual assault, embattled comedian Bill Cosby tweeted out “Friends and fans, thank You.” Although, I’m not sure he needed to pluralize those words.

8. According to a new study, even though poor health is a known cause of unhappiness, and bad lifestyle choices often follow bad moods, misery alone probably won’t kill you. So great news, the living-hell that is your life, it’s gonna last a real long time.

9. Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning denied an Al-Jazeera report that he took human growth hormone, an illegal performance enhancing drug, saying he would never put anything harmful into his body. Although, not according to about a million Papa John’s commercials.

10. Al Jazeera says it had a second, “impeccably placed” source to back up the network’s recent assertion that human growth hormone shipments were provided to Peyton Manning’s home. That source, an anonymous man going by the alias “Bom Trady.”

October 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, a dog named Trigger shot his owner in the foot. Even more impressive, it was a drive-by.

2. In an interview on Tuesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he doesn’t understand his recent drop in the polls in Iowa. Said Trump, “I guess those bumbling, cousin-fuckers don’t want a classy president.”

3. On Tuesday, Walgreens announced plans to buy competitor Rite Aid for $9.4 billion. If the transaction goes through it will undoubtedly set the record for longest receipt ever.

4. Italian Marco Schiavone won the 2015 European Footgolf Championship at a golf course in Spain on Sunday defeating Dutch professional Marcel Peeper. That story again, a record two people competed in the 2015 European Footgolf Championship.

5. In a recent interview, Donald Trump said Iraq is “the Harvard of terrorism.” Said Harvard, “You know Yale is a good school too, maybe use them in analogies every once and a while.”

6. Republican Jeb Bush’s struggling presidential campaign is cutting salaries across the board and reducing staff in an effort to save money. Word of advice Jeb, might be time to stop playing up the “if elected, I’ll be great at creating jobs” angle.

7. Last week, an English soccer fan was found asleep on a stadium toilet seven hours after his team had finished playing. But, that’ll happen when one of your concession stands serves Chipotle.

8. Julius Njogu was arrested and charged with fraud after attempting to cheat his way into second place at the Nairobi International Marathon in Kenya on Sunday, allegedly sneaking into the race with only a mile to go. Race officials became suspicious of Julius’s second place finish at the Kenyan marathon when they noticed he was white.

9. Two groups that had backed competing ballot initiatives to make recreational use of marijuana legal in Maine agreed on Monday to join forces. Said one group, “I got weed if you got rolling papers.”

10. Russian investigators plan to exhume the remains of Tsar Alexander III at the request of the Orthodox Church in an effort to determine whether and how many illegitimate children he had. In light of that, to save time, officials have decided, when he dies, not to bury Kevin Federline.

May 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Felix Kiprono, a lawyer living in Nairobi, Kenya has offered Barack Obama 50 cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats in exchange for the President’s 16-year-old daughter, Malia’s hand in marriage. That’s outrageous, that’s, at best, a Sasha offer.

2. Felix Kiprono, a lawyer living in Nairobi, Kenya has offered Barack Obama 50 cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats in exchange for the President’s 16-year-old daughter, Malia’s hand in marriage. “You could do a lot worse than a lawyer born in Kenya,” said Michelle.

3. A California auction house is selling an early racist drawing by Dr. Seuss for $20,000. But, in the famed author’s defense, there are only so many words that rhyme with ‘bigger.’

4. Yesterday, a molestation claim made by choreographer Wade Robson against Michael Jackson was dismissed. So Michael Jackson’s sterling reputation remains intact.

5. On Thursday, while giving a speech at the U.N., former President Bill Clinton said the CDC told him he was “officially Ebola-free” after a recent trip to Liberia. But they’re still waiting on the reports to determine which STDs Liberia caught from Bill.

6. Yesterday, it was announced that FIFA 16, the latest installment of the world’s most popular soccer video game, will feature women’s teams for the first time ever. Because the people in charge of PR for that game have the worst timing ever.

7. On Thursday, Russian President Vladimir Putin accused the U.S. of meddling outside its jurisdiction in response to the FBI probe and arrest of several FIFA officials. Said Putin, “If you want to meddle outside your jurisdiction, first invade it and make it your jurisdiction.”

8. Eighth-graders Gokul Venkatachalam of Missouri and Vanya Shivanshankar of Kansas were declared co-winners of the Scripps National Spelling Bee on Thursday. Which is ironic, because when I typed their names into my computer for this joke, my spell-check exploded.

9. Eighth-graders Gokul Venkatachalam of Missouri and Vanya Shivanshankar of Kansas were declared co-winners of the Scripps National Spelling Bee on Thursday. Not to be confused with Gokul Venkatachalam of Kentucky and Venya Shivanshankar of Arkansas.

10. Real estate mogul and potential 2016 presidential candidate Donald Trump said he will make a major announcement on June 16. But, up until then, since he is still a private citizen, Trump hopes the media respects his wishes and covers him non-stop.

11. The Maryland “free-range” parents have been cleared of child neglect charges related to an incident in December in which their children, ages 6 and 10, were allowed to walk home alone from a playground over a mile away from their house. “Slow down! Now, where are these ‘free-range’ kids?” said Jerry Sandusky.

12. 73-year-old presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders is selling a bumper sticker that reads “Honk for a political revolution.” And, then in smaller print, “Or if I left my left blinker is on again.”

13. According to a new study, elderly men who exercise regularly may be less likely to die than those who live a sedentary lifestyle. Scientists determined this by looking up the definition of the word ‘exercise.’

14. According to a new study, elderly men who exercise regularly may be less likely to die than those who live a sedentary lifestyle. So, great news, that old guy in the gym locker room who refuses to cover up, he’s gonna be around for a long time.

15. A Seattle couple left nearly $850,000 to the U.S. government in their will. The couple is surviving by some pretty pissed off people.

16. WalMart is urging its meat suppliers to reduce their use of antibiotics. Said WalMart customers, “We’re already eating meat we bought at a WalMart, so really what’s the difference?”

17. The Dutch government on Friday agreed to introduce a ban on the wearing of the full-face veil, popular among Islamic women, in public places. Except for you Karen, you can keep wearing it.

April 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new survey, 1 out of 4 Americans didn’t exercise at all last year. And, according to a survey I conducted with my eyes, the remaining 3 out of 4 Americans are liars.

2. According to reports, Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont will announce his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination on Thursday. Sanders is hoping to capitalize on Obama’s low approval numbers, because what’s the opposite of a black president? A white guy from Vermont.

3. According to a new study, six-year-olds whose mothers were severely obese before pregnancy are more likely to have emotional problems when they grow up. Of course those emotional problems will lead them to sleeping with fat chicks, and thus, the circle of life is complete.

4. Today, the Baltimore Orioles will host the Chicago White Sox in a game closed to the public due to the ongoing riots in Baltimore. After the game, the White Sox are scheduled to play a three-game series in Cleveland against the Indians, so that will be four games in a row the White Sox have played in front of empty stadiums.

5. Hollister and Abercrombie & Fitch announced that they will stop using shirtless male models at store openings and events. While McDonalds will continue the practice, out of necessity, because their employees can’t afford shirts.

6. A Dutch designer has created a sex toy that can hold cremated ashes and comes with a speaker and perfume in order to recreate an intimate night with a deceased loved one. Said the inventor, “I miss you, grandma.”

7. Kate Middleton, the pregnant wife of Prince William, is past her due date and, as a result, doctors may have to induce her into labor. Good luck with that because, if history is any guide, this is not a family that’s big on labor.

8. Yesterday, possible presidential hopeful Jeb Bush said he believes Puerto Rico should become the 51st state. While his brother George disagreed, saying Jeb “couldn’t be more wrong,” and Puerto Rico would become “the 43rd state.”

9. Colombia’s health ministry has recommended suspending a herbicide used in aerial spraying of cocaine crops after a report by the World Health Organization found it to be a likely cause of cancer. Because, as everyone knows, coke-heads are notoriously strict about what they put in their bodies.

10. Yesterday, it was announced that Lifetime has greenlit a movie entitled “The Unauthorized Full House Story” with casting to begin immediately. You know it’s gonna be pretty sad when Dave Couiler loses out on the part of Dave Couiler.