October 3, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. It was reported yesterday that comedian Adam Sandler signed a four picture deal with Netflix. And, in related news, Rob Schneider has signed a deal to open an account with Netflix.

2. It was reported yesterday that comedian Adam Sandler signed a four picture deal with Netflix. So now you don’t even need to leave the comfort of your own home to not watch the next Adam Sandler movie.

3. A new study suggests, people who work in offices with more plants tend to be happier. This according to “High Times” magazine.

4. Voter registration in Ferguson, Missouri, has jumped nearly 30 percent since August 9, when the fatal shooting of an unarmed black teen triggered riots. Said Ferguson residents, “We weren’t sure how serious they were, but didn’t want to take our chances with this whole ‘Vote or Die’ campaign.”

5. According to “People” magazine, actors Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis welcomed a baby girl into the world Tuesday. The couple reportedly went the extra mile and got a theft proof cradle just in case Demi visits.

6. A dog that fell into a hot tar pit near a construction site in India was saved following a four hour rescue mission. The canine was covered head-to-toe in tar, or as it is known in the neighboring country of China, seasoning.

7. Up to 100 people may have come in contact with the Texas man who is the first person in the U.S. to be diagnosed with Ebola. So he probably shouldn’t have gone to that Astros game.

8. JP Morgan said Thursday that cybercriminals gathered information on more than 800 million account holders as part of a massive bank hack this summer. Said a representative for JP Morgan, “The whole incident is regretful, specifically regret that we didn’t get the chance to steal that money before the cybercriminals.”

9. On Thursday, the NFL announced that they will move the 2015 Draft from New York City, where it has been held for over 30 years, to Chicago. The Draft is expected to lead to a boom in Chicago’s economy, especially the city’s bail bonds men sector.

10. Lawyers for Prince William and his wife Kate have sent letters to photographers asking them to stop following their son, Prince George, and his nanny around public parks. Said Kim Kardashian, “There are photos in parks looking for pictures of famous babies!?! Quick, grab a stroller and whatever my kid’s name is, and let’s go!!!”

11. A student at a Florida high school was forced to remove his costume after he came to school spirit day dressed as a condom. “A what?” said school slut Becky.

12. Hammad Akbar, the creator of StealthGenie, a mobile app marketed as a tool for spying on cheating spouses and monitoring children, was arrested yesterday. Which isn’t all bad news for Akbar, because if he likes devices that keep tabs on people, he’s gonna love his new ankle bracelet.

13. The Federal Communications Commission indicted on Tuesday that it is considering imposing a punishment on broadcasters who use the word “Redskins” when announcing Washington football games. Look if you can figure out what Shannon Sharpe is saying, be my guest.

14. Troubled former teen star Amanda Bynes was arrested over the weekend on a misdemeanor charge of driving under the influence of drugs in Los Angeles. Bynes reportedly failed the roadside sobriety test when she identified herself.

15. The Indonesian province of Aceh on Saturday approved an anti-homosexuality law that can punish anyone caught having gay sex with 100 lashes. But, as any paparazzo who has followed John Travolta around can attest, it’s really hard to catch someone having gay sex.

16. A woman has sued Disney claiming that they stole her life story for the plot to the movie “Frozen.” While Prince Charles wishes his life was more like the plot to “the Lion King.”

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