December 12, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, Kim Kardashian said she gained weight during her pregnancy because God was punishing her for being so hot. Said God, “Dealing with Kanye should be punishment enough. You got fat on your own.”

2. In a recent interview, Kim Kardashian said she gained weight during her pregnancy because God was punishing her for being so hot. Which isn’t sound logic, because it fails to explain why Khloe’s fat.

3. Boston construction workers have unearthed a time capsule embedded in the cornerstone of the Massachusetts State House believed to date back to 1795. The capsule reportedly contained a writing quill, wig powder and a “Fuck thy Yankees” t-shirt.

4. Using a piece of tape and a pair of scissors, a Keurig coffee machine owner found a way around the company’s restriction of only allowing users to brew coffee licensed by Keurig. Because when you own a single serving coffee maker, you tend to have a lot of free time on your hands.

5. A new app, designed to replace the alarm clock, allows users to be woken on up in the morning by a one-minute phone call from a complete stranger. “Well, I know when I’m no longer needed,” said the guy who lives in the apartment above me.

6. According to a new study, the most marketable player in the NBA is Oklahoma City’s Kevin Durant. While the least marketable player is a 15-way tie between everyone on the Knicks’ roster.

7. Researchers in Australia have developed a prototype sports bra that automatically tightens when it senses breast movement. If by ‘tighten’ you mean ‘stiffen,’ then I got one of those too.

8. Yesterday, a reporter asked Texas Governor Rick Perry if he thought he was smart enough to be president. Said Perry, “I’ll tell you what I tell everyone who asks me that question ‘cowboy goldfish.’”

9. Yesterday, a reporter asked Texas Governor Rick Perry if he thought he was smart enough to be president. Said Perry, “Joke’s on you, I’m not smart enough to be governor.”

10. A mother of six from London was jailed for five years and three months on Thursday after admitting to four counts of distributing terrorist publications via Facebook. Although, if you ask me, I think it’s commendable that a mother of six posted something other than pictures of her kids on Facebook.

11. A British woman is selling her own breast milk for $20 a bottle to help pay for his kids’ Christmas presents. Considering the demand for a strange woman’s breast milk on the open market, I’m guessing those kids may be getting bottles of breast milk as presents this Christmas.

12. KFC has released a message to its Chinese customers to “Come see how we operate for yourself” after many diners were worried about eating their fried chicken due to a safety scare at the fast food chain. This response was better than KFC’s first message, “Oh, now you’re picky, you eat dog.”

13. In a recent interview, former President George W. Bush said that he refers to Hillary Clinton as his “sister-in-law.” Which I assume means Bill fucked Laura.

14. William and Kate, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived in New York City on Sunday for a three-day visit. They should fit in quite nicely considering how many Wall Street guys also married women way outta their league.

15. A Cuban doctor, who contracted Ebola in Sierra Leone and was cured after experimental treatment in a Swiss hospital, vowed on Saturday to return to West Africa and continue treating patients. Which is extremely noble, until you hear that his other option was to return to Cuba.

16. Disney-Pixar is translating the wildly popular children’s film “Finding Nemo” into Navajo. Said Disney, “Once again, sorry about Pocahontas.’”

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