September 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. An AirAsia flight from Sydney to Malaysia accidentally flew to Melbourne instead because the pilot entered the wrong coordinates. But, to be fair, it still ranks as one of the more successful flights to Malaysia.

2. According to the FBI’s latest report, during her four years as Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton used thirteen different cell phones. And, only six of them were used to catfish Bill on Tinder.

3. Last week, Dr. Ben Carson accompanied Donald Trump to Detroit where Carson cut short a live interview on CNN in front of his childhood home to look for his luggage. Because, like a true Trump supporter, he became very concerned about his belongings once he realized he was in a black neighborhood.

4. A single mother in Texas dressed up as a man so her son could go to a “Doughnuts with Dad” event at his school. Said the son, “Maybe if you didn’t look like such a convincing man, Dad would still be around.”

5. A 6-month-old boy in North Carolina has set a world record as the youngest water-skier. Or, as sharks refer to him, veal.

6. Last week, New York Met Wilmer Flores excited the hometown crowd by changing his walk-up music to the theme song from “Friends.” The last time a Met walked out to a TV theme song it was Daryl Strawberry strolling to the plate to the ‘DUN DUN’ from “Law & Order.”

7. A thug in the U.K. punched a five-day-old baby in the face at a supermarket and then immediately apologized saying he thought it was a doll. “Yeah, but is he single?” said Casey Anthony.

8. A North Dakota sheriff’s office pressed charges against Jill Stein Wednesday after the Green Party presidential nominee spray-painted a bulldozer during an environmental protest. But that didn’t prevent Fox News from getting viewers’ hopes up by enthusiastically reporting “Arrest warrant issued for liberal presidential candidate.”

9. On Wednesday, Apple unveiled its new, water-proof iPhone 7. So I guess it was a bad time for me to invest heavily in bags of rice.

10. A landlord showing his vacant rental home in Atlanta Monday morning made a grisly discovery when he stumbled upon the body of a dead man in the backyard. Said the landlord, “How do you feel about roommates?”

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