June 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new poll, there are more gay people in America than adult virgins. This according to a poll taken somewhere other than ComicCon.

2. Doctors are warning women against a new trend of putting wasp nests in their vaginas. “Look, if you got a better defense plan, I’m all ears,” said women who work in the White House.

3. According to a new study, couples trying for a baby have sex an average of 78 times before becoming pregnant. Which means, according to my calculations, my upstairs neighbors have 137 kids by now.

4. The New York Mets mascot, Mr. Met, has come under fire after a cellphone video surfaced showing him giving a fan the middle finger. Even worse, after a thorough investigation, it was determined that the Phillie Phanatic has been coming to work without pants for years:

5. A 98-year-old California woman has written over 7,000 letters to troops overseas. Every letter thanks the soldier for their service and asks him to “kill a dirty Kraut for her.”

6. President Trump’s 2020 reelection committee is selling “Big League Boxes,” packed with Trump merchandise, delivered monthly to recurring donors. Said Trump, “Aren’t monthly donations usually called ‘alimony payments’?”

7. Police in Michigan arrested a woman for allegedly stealing flowers, a bench and other objects from local cemeteries to decorate her house. But, in her defense, she was just trying to make her husband, Larry King, feel more at home.

8. According to a new report, President Trump has traded in his Android smartphone for an iPhone with only one app, Twitter. It’s the first time Trump has been limited to just one app in a very long time:

9. A 38-year-old Indian climber who made the fastest double ascent of Mount Everest and became the first woman to reach the highest point on earth twice in five days, says she will now turn her attention to smaller unclimbed peaks. But, sometimes, smaller peaks remained unclimbed by women for a reason:

10. A woman fired a starter pistol at a race so close to the Prime Minister of Belgium’s ear that he had to undergo medical treatment and cancel a speech in Parliament. “You think that’s bad,” said Lincoln.

11. A drunk man in Pennsylvania was arrested yesterday for repeatedly calling 911 just to talk. Said the man at the jailhouse, “I get one phone call, right?”

12. According to a new study, foods that wind up in the garbage contain many of the same nutrients that Americans are missing in their diets. Said Americans, “Yeah, no shit, how do you think they wound up in the trash in the first place?”

13. According to reports, almost half of President Trump’s 31 million Twitter followers appear to be fake. Even more disturbing, the other half appear to be real.

14. While giving a commencement speech, actor Robert De Niro said that America has turned into “a tragic, dumb comedy.” “I’ll do it,” said Nicholas Cage.

15. A hot air balloon in Canada crashed after a man onboard proposed to his girlfriend. Said the woman, “This is the worst day of my life,” and then he proposed.

16. Kellyanne Conway, counselor to the president, recently purchased an $8 million house in Washington D.C. It has four bedrooms and there bathrooms, but I’m guessing Conway’s gonna spend most of her time in the basement:

17. Pornography website PornHub is celebrating its ten year anniversary by asking users to submit “What I Learned from PornHub” videos. So, expect a lot of videos detailing how to clear you browser history.

18. Paleontologists now believe that whales evolved to be so big as a defense mechanism against being eaten. “I love a challenge,” said Chris Christie:

19. Mark Zuckerberg said he plans to visit very U.S. state this year to learn more about Facebook’s users. “Every state? Are you even allowed to do that?” asked Hillary.

20. Gunsticles, which are fake testicles that hang from your gun, are now a thing. Because not every guy with a small penis can afford a Porsche.

21. Over the weekend, actor and amateur pilot Harrison Ford had multiple failed takeoffs due to mechanical issues. “Yeah, tell me about it,” said Calista Flockhart.

22. A Palestinian judge has banned divorces during the month of Ramadan as “people make hasty decisions when they are hungry.” Which is Taco Bell’s entire business model.

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