January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

August 24, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Julie Anne Genter, the minister for women in New Zealand, rode her bike to a hospital to give birth. That story again, someone named Julie Anne Genter needs a new bicycle seat.

2. Pornography website Pornhub announced that it will host its first ever award show next month. I know Pornhub says it’s their first time, but I’m guessing they’ve held at least twenty award shows before.

3. For the first time, scientists have uncovered direct evidence of water ice on the surface of the moon. “Ah, there may be some urine up there too,” said a sheepish Buzz Aldrin.

4. In a new interview, Donald Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani said if the President is impeached “the American people would revolt.” A revolution that will be preceded by someone riding through town on a horse yelling “The diminished are coming!”

5. An attorney for Michael Cohen, President Trump’s former personal lawyer who pleaded guilty on Tuesday to campaign finance violations and other charges, said Trump directed Cohen to commit a crime. Was the crime buying this jacket?:

6. As a result of PETA’s efforts, after 116 years of captivity behind bars on the cover of all Animal Crackers boxes, the animals have been freed. “Get me that giraffe’s lawyer,” said Michael Cohen and Paul Manafort in unison.

7. According to a new survey, 70% of Americans check their phone immediately upon waking up in the morning. While I assume the other 30% died overnight.

8. This week, ISIS released a surprise, new audio message from its leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the first such recording in over a year. Begging the question, when did ISIS become Beyonce?

9. The first beer-hotel is set to open in Columbus, Ohio. The Columbus Beer Hotel, cause if you have to stay the night in Columbus, Ohio, you’re gonna need a drink.

10. Former ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Tom Arnold claims to have heard tape where President Trump refers to his son as a ‘retard.’ That’s terrible, how would anyone know which son he was talking about?:

11. A nonprofit devoted to Abraham Lincoln is so deep in debt that it is considering selling one of the 16th president’s famous stovepipe hats. And they seem to be really in debt considering which one they are thinking about selling:

12. This week, a white doctor who arrived late to his flight at a Florida airport complained of being treated like a “black person.” And I think I’m on the airport’s side of this argument because when he finally boarded the plane he proceeded to talk loudly throughout the entire inflight movie.

13. Facebook has taken down 652 pages it identified as part of coordinated disinformation campaigns that originated in Iran and targeted countries around the world. Even worse, they took down the accounts so fast Donald Trump Jr didn’t even get a chance to schedule a shady Trump Tower meeting with the people behind those pages.

14. On Monday, President Trump said another summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un would “most likely” happen. Said Kim Jong Un, “Can you just bomb us instead”:

15. Republican Representative Duncan Hunter, was indicted on charges on Tuesday that he and his wife used hundreds of thousands of dollars in campaign funds to pay for vacations, video games and other personal expenses. Said the GOP, “That’s not the Republican party that we know. You misuse campaign funds on your mistress, not your wife.”

16. On Wednesday, one day after President Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to eight criminal charges, Cohen’s lawyer said he would not accept a presidential pardon. While we’re rejecting things we’re never gonna get, I will take this moment to announce that I will not accept the title of “People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.”

17. Pregnant Venezuelan women are leaving their country due to a lack of prenatal care, medicine and diapers and giving birth across the border in Brazil, where three Venezuelan babies are born every day. Or, as they are more commonly known, Brazilian babies.

18. An 11-year-old boy managed to hack into a replica of Florida’s election results website in 10 minutes and change names and tallies during a hackers convention. Experts are calling it “scary,” while Hillary Clinton is calling it “way too fucking late.”

June 22, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions cited a Bible verse to justify his policy of separating immigrant families. I have an idea, let’s tell Sessions that Church and State are from Mexico and maybe he’ll be in favor of their separation, too.

2. The New York State Assembly is considering a bill that will legalize alcoholic ice cream. That story again, apparently someone dumped the New York State Assembly.

3. A Turkish court accepted an indictment charging the father of New York Knicks center Enes Kanter with “membership in a terror group.” It’s terrible that he’s being so publicly lumped in with such a bad crowd, also that bad news about Kanter’s father too.

4. On Tuesday, President Trump tweeted out “If you don’t have Borders, you don’t have a Country.” Because if there’s one thing this guy knows about it, it’s setting boundaries:

5. After delivering a speech to a group of business owners on Tuesday, President Donald Trump hugged an American flag as he walked off stage. That story again, Michael Avenatti has a new client:

6. According to a new study, cases of syphilis reported in England have reached the highest level since 1949. “You’re welcomed,” said Collin Farrell.

7. The U.S Golf Association has issued an apology after last weekend’s broadcast of the U.S. Open picked up audio from two guys graphically describing a sexual encounter. But, that’ll happen when you make Billy Bush your caddy:

8. A Scottish man has created a donut, chicken nugget hybrid that he is calling the donug. Which means Trump’s second hand will finally be freed up to go back to tweeting:

9. Chicago Cubs pitcher Brandon Morrow was scratched from Tuesday’s game against the Dodgers because he injured his back while taking off his pants. “I know you’re excited, but the key is take them off one leg at a time,” said Morrow’s new life coach:

10. On Tuesday, President Trump accused Canada of smuggling American sneakers across the border. Which explains Jeff Session’s new immigration policy of dressing Mexican immigrants up like Nikes and busing them to Albany:

11. A hat said to been worn by Napoleon Bonaparte at Waterloo 203 years ago was sold at auction for over $400,000. “That’s a great deal, my hat cost much more than that and it’s damaged,” said the guy who bought Lincoln’s hat:

12. A Russian soccer commentator said he will no longer do World Cup matches for Russia’s biggest state-run broadcaster, four days after naming President Vladimir Putin’s biggest critic live on air. The announcer said he is retiring to spend more time with his family, once he finds out where Putin has hidden them.

13. Burger King Russia has apologized for offering a lifetime supply of Whoppers to any Russian woman who could get pregnant with the child of a World Cup player. Wow, that really is a poorly conceived promotion, if you’re asking a woman to get pregnant you definitely give away Whopper Jrs.

14. According to reports, during a tense meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the G7, President Trump reached into his pocket, pulled out two Starbursts, tossed them at Merkel and said, “Don’t say I never give you anything.” Which can only mean one thing, Trump definitely had more than two Starbursts in his pocket.

15. First Lady Melania Trump’s visit on Thursday to the Mexican border was overshadowed by a jacket she wore with the words “I really don’t care, do u?” scrawled on the back. Not to be outdone, Trump has writing on the back of all his jackets too:

16. A 3-year-old girl is safe after spending the night in a rural Missouri cornfield, with her faithful dog by her side. Said the girl, “I wouldn’t have made it without Rover, he was delicious.”

17. Phil Mickelson hit a moving ball on the 13th green during the third round of golf’s U.S. Open on Saturday. “He hit a moving ball? That’s impossible.” said every single Miami Marlin.

18. In a new interview former White House aid Steve Bannon claims that president Trump has “never told a lie.” Adding, “In fact, just the other day he told me I was very handsome and a sharp dresser”:

19. It was announced this week that Robert Patterson, the acting administrator of the Drug Enforcement Administration, will retire at the end of the month. Patterson said he wants to spend more time at home narcing on his family.

20. According to a new study, people who are married may be less likely to die from a heart attack or stroke than individuals who aren’t. “That’s a real chicken or the egg type problem for me,” said Melania.

July 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Energy Secretary Rick Perry reportedly took part in a 22-minute phone call with a Russian prankster who he thought was the Prime Minister of Ukraine. Said Perry, “Dammit, I knew ‘Ukraine’ sounded like a made-up country.”

2. Energy Secretary Rick Perry reportedly took part in a 22-minute phone call with a Russian prankster who he thought was the Prime Minister of Ukraine. That story again, a prank caller in Russia definitely has the nuclear codes now.

3. While giving a speech in Ohio Tuesday night, President Trump said, “with the exception of the late great Abraham Lincoln, I could be more presidential than any president who has ever held this office.” Adding, “And I should know, I’m a student of history, just ask my good friend Frederick Douglass.”

4. On Tuesday, an alleged bank robber stripped down and ran naked along a Florida roadway in a failed bid to evade the cops. Florida, where stripping down naked and running on a highway is seen as an attempt to blend in.

5. Former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez’s Connecticut home is on the market for $1.3 million. Man, if those walls could talk, Hernandez probably would have murdered them too.

6. Longevity expert Dr. Shigeaki Hinohara died this week at the age of 105. He is survived by some pretty smug 106-year-olds.

7. According to a new study, the average number of guests at a lesbian wedding is 87. And, unsurprisingly, they all order the fish.

8. A bride-to-be is holding an auction for potential bridesmaids to bid for a place in her wedding. “Going, going, gone,” said someone narrating how the groom reacted to hearing that.

9. A temporary O.J. Simpson museum is set to open in Los Angeles next month. And, if you need someone who has experience collecting O.J. memorabilia, I know a guy:

10. At a rally in Ohio Tuesday night, President Trump said, if he had not been elected, the Second Amendment would have been “gonezo.” Which is the second time he’s mentioned a Muppet:

June 30, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in India has broken the Guinness World Record for longest time spinning a basketball on a toothbrush. I don’t know whose record he broke, but I think it’s safe to assume it wasn’t Anthony Davis’s:

2. A man in Minnesota who had outstanding warrants attempted to avoid arrest by handing a deputy a “Get Out of Jail Free” Monopoly card after being pulled over. Although, if he wanted to avoid prison, he should have used the original get out of jail card, being white.

3. A man in Minnesota who had outstanding warrants attempted to avoid arrest by handing a deputy a “Get Out of Jail Free” Monopoly card after being pulled over. And, in case that didn’t work, the man also brought the lead pipe from Clue as a back-up plan.

4. On Thursday, President Trump took to Twitter to accuse co-host of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe’ Mika Brzezinski of having a face-lift. And, if that’s true, I guess we know what the doctor did with all her extra skin:

5. On Thursday, President Trump took to Twitter to accuse co-host of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe’ Mika Brzezinski of having a face-lift. Which is reminiscent of the time Abraham Lincoln accused Betsy Ross of getting lipo:

6. Police in New Jersey are looking for a suspect who stole a street sweeper and went on a brief joyride before crashing it. That crazy store again, New Jersey owns and operates street sweepers and still looks like that.

7. A woman is suing doctors at an Atlanta hospital after she says they left a camera inside her body during an organ transplant six months ago. “Well, that explains all the trouble I’ve been having with my new camera,” said the doctor:

8. Yesterday, the White House announced that President Trump will meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin at the G20 Summit in Germany next week. Where I assume Putin will give Trump his bi-annual employee performance review.

9. After initially saying foreign fiancees of American citizens would not be allowed into the U.S. under President Trump’s travel ban, the administration reversed course yesterday and said they would be. Because, in the words of Trump himself, “Melania is getting older and you never know.”

10. According to a new study, acupuncture paired with mild electric currents may be better than doing nothing at all to relieve urinary incontinence in women. Which is weird, because if you stuck me with needles or shocked me, I think I’d be more inclined to piss myself.

11. Yesterday, a man drove his car into and destroyed a newly installed Ten Commandments monument in Arkansas. But, in the man’s defense, I’ve read the commandments and they don’t say anything about not doing that.

12. This week the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office said the newly proposed Republican healthcare bill will result in 22 million people losing their health insurance. To put that number in perspective, if you laid that many people next to each other, side-by-side, it would, and probably will, look like this:

13. Canada is restoring an historic brothel that was once owned by President Trump’s grandfather in the late 1800’s. And, I like to think if Trump’s granddad were alive today he would be disappointed that his descendants ruined his good, whorehouse-owning name.

14. Two-time NBA Most Valuable Player Stephen Curry has received a sponsor exemption to play in the Web.com Tour’s Ellie Mae Classic golf competition next month. Of course, he has no chance of winning, not because he’s a basketball player, but because Kevin Durant isn’t playing with him.

15. A rabbi in New Jersey has been charged in a conspiracy to defraud Medicaid. The rabbi is expected to plead “For this I go to jail?”

16. Police in Australia recovered a baby bottle that had been turned into a bong with a swastika on its side. So, I guess congratulations are in order on the new addition to Mel Gibson.

17. An 88-year-old Illinois man claims a one-eyed prostitute stole his wallet after he paid for and had a blowjob performed on him. Said the prostitute, “Blowing that old man was the first time in my entire life I wished I was completely blind.”

18. Dennis Rodman plans to return to North Korea in August and has invited “Good Morning America” anchor Michael Strahan to go with him. Well, to be accurate, Kelly Ripa nominated Michael Strahan to go.

19. For the fourth time in a row a small town in Kentucky has elected a dog as its mayor. And Anthony Weiner has never been so jealous, not that the dog was elected mayor, but because it can lick itself.

20. A Japanese airline forced a disabled passenger to crawl up a flight of stairs to board his flight. “I can’t believe that,” said United, “you passed up a perfect opportunity to justifiably drag a passenger down the aisle.”

June 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new poll, there are more gay people in America than adult virgins. This according to a poll taken somewhere other than ComicCon.

2. Doctors are warning women against a new trend of putting wasp nests in their vaginas. “Look, if you got a better defense plan, I’m all ears,” said women who work in the White House.

3. According to a new study, couples trying for a baby have sex an average of 78 times before becoming pregnant. Which means, according to my calculations, my upstairs neighbors have 137 kids by now.

4. The New York Mets mascot, Mr. Met, has come under fire after a cellphone video surfaced showing him giving a fan the middle finger. Even worse, after a thorough investigation, it was determined that the Phillie Phanatic has been coming to work without pants for years:

5. A 98-year-old California woman has written over 7,000 letters to troops overseas. Every letter thanks the soldier for their service and asks him to “kill a dirty Kraut for her.”

6. President Trump’s 2020 reelection committee is selling “Big League Boxes,” packed with Trump merchandise, delivered monthly to recurring donors. Said Trump, “Aren’t monthly donations usually called ‘alimony payments’?”

7. Police in Michigan arrested a woman for allegedly stealing flowers, a bench and other objects from local cemeteries to decorate her house. But, in her defense, she was just trying to make her husband, Larry King, feel more at home.

8. According to a new report, President Trump has traded in his Android smartphone for an iPhone with only one app, Twitter. It’s the first time Trump has been limited to just one app in a very long time:

9. A 38-year-old Indian climber who made the fastest double ascent of Mount Everest and became the first woman to reach the highest point on earth twice in five days, says she will now turn her attention to smaller unclimbed peaks. But, sometimes, smaller peaks remained unclimbed by women for a reason:

10. A woman fired a starter pistol at a race so close to the Prime Minister of Belgium’s ear that he had to undergo medical treatment and cancel a speech in Parliament. “You think that’s bad,” said Lincoln.

11. A drunk man in Pennsylvania was arrested yesterday for repeatedly calling 911 just to talk. Said the man at the jailhouse, “I get one phone call, right?”

12. According to a new study, foods that wind up in the garbage contain many of the same nutrients that Americans are missing in their diets. Said Americans, “Yeah, no shit, how do you think they wound up in the trash in the first place?”

13. According to reports, almost half of President Trump’s 31 million Twitter followers appear to be fake. Even more disturbing, the other half appear to be real.

14. While giving a commencement speech, actor Robert De Niro said that America has turned into “a tragic, dumb comedy.” “I’ll do it,” said Nicholas Cage.

15. A hot air balloon in Canada crashed after a man onboard proposed to his girlfriend. Said the woman, “This is the worst day of my life,” and then he proposed.

16. Kellyanne Conway, counselor to the president, recently purchased an $8 million house in Washington D.C. It has four bedrooms and there bathrooms, but I’m guessing Conway’s gonna spend most of her time in the basement:

17. Pornography website PornHub is celebrating its ten year anniversary by asking users to submit “What I Learned from PornHub” videos. So, expect a lot of videos detailing how to clear you browser history.

18. Paleontologists now believe that whales evolved to be so big as a defense mechanism against being eaten. “I love a challenge,” said Chris Christie:

19. Mark Zuckerberg said he plans to visit very U.S. state this year to learn more about Facebook’s users. “Every state? Are you even allowed to do that?” asked Hillary.

20. Gunsticles, which are fake testicles that hang from your gun, are now a thing. Because not every guy with a small penis can afford a Porsche.

21. Over the weekend, actor and amateur pilot Harrison Ford had multiple failed takeoffs due to mechanical issues. “Yeah, tell me about it,” said Calista Flockhart.

22. A Palestinian judge has banned divorces during the month of Ramadan as “people make hasty decisions when they are hungry.” Which is Taco Bell’s entire business model.

February 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a survey of historians released on Friday, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington and Franklin D. Roosevelt were ranked as the top three presidents in U.S. history. Said Donald Trump, “I have it on good authority that 1 to 3 million illegal historians voted in that survey.”

2. Russian officials are reportedly compiling a psychological dossier on President Donald Trump for Russian President Vladimir Putin ahead of their first meeting. Much like Trump himself, the dossier will self-destruct.

3. Over the weekend, amid rumors that Disney is interested in making a live-action version of “The Little Mermaid,” actress Lindsay Lohan posted a picture of herself next to Ariel on Instagram. And she would make a great mermaid because she does already have crabs.

4. According to reports, the Federal Bureau of Investigation is pursuing at least three separate probes relating to alleged Russian hacking of the U.S. presidential elections. Said FBI director James Comey, “The first place we’re gonna check for evidence of Russian interference is in Hillary Clinton’s emails.”

5. During his campaign-like rally in Florida on Friday, President Donald Trump said, “I’ m here because I want to be among friends.” And, to that end, a plane ticket to Florida is a lot cheaper than a plane ticket to Russia.

6. President Donald Trump said on Monday that Lieutenant General Herbert Raymond McMaster will be his new national security adviser. Trump said he picked McMaster because he had one very special quality, he said ‘yes.’

7. According to ‘The Boston Globe,’ when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie dined at the White House last week, President Trump made him order the meatloaf. As opposed to Christie’s usual order of meatloaves.

8. Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban wore a number 46 jersey in Friday night’s NBA All-Star Celebrity Game, an apparent response to the 45th President Donald Trump’s recent tweet that Cuban is “not smart enough to run for president.” “Don’t you mean 47?” said Mike Pence.

9. In a recent interview, the Cleveland Cavalier’s starting point guard, Kyrie Irving, said he believes the earth is flat. Which still makes him more qualified to be Secretary of Education than Betsy DeVos.

10. On Friday in New York City, Hillary Clinton was spotted eating dinner with Kate McKinnon, the actresses who imitates the former Secretary of State on ‘SNL.’ Reporters called it, “a fun, light-hearted meal between two friends,” while Bill called it his “nightmare.”

May 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, boxer Oscar de la Hoya said Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump cheats on the golf course. “It’s not just limited to the golf course,” said Marla Maples.

2. A collection of women’s shoes and bras was discovered last week behind a hidden wall in a barn in Michigan. “Sometimes I like to dress the scarecrow up,” said a very lonely farmer.

3. Last week, police in Connecticut arrested a man accused of firing a gun into a bathroom because he thought someone was taking too long to use the facilities. “Yes, but how fast can he run?” said Oscar Pistorius.

4. On Saturday, undefeated Nyqvist won the Kentucky Derby, making it eight wins in eight races for his career. Or, the exact opposite of Carly Fiorina’s track record.

5. Last week, a seven-year-old in Virginia, who was born without hands, won a national handwriting contest. I don’t know how she managed to write, but I’m pretty sure afterwards they let her keep the pen.

6. Rocker Ozzy Osbourne and his wife of 33 years, Sharon Osbourne, have announced they are getting a divorce. Usually, when it comes to divorce there are no winners, except in this case the loser is whoever gets custody of Kelly.

7. A teacher in Utah violated school policy when he used the n-word before showing his eighth grade class the Civil War movie “Glory.” Although the school should have know something was up when the teacher insisted on showing his class “Lincoln” in reverse.

8. A woman in Ohio celebrated her 90th birthday by going skydiving with her entire family. And, once on the ground, they continued the celebration by reading the will.

9. During a TV interview on Sunday, former Republican presidential nominee John McCain suggested Paul Ryan or Joni Ernst as potential running-mates for Donald Trump. Because if there’s one thing John McCain’s good at, it’s picking VPs.

10. According to reports, rapper Jay-Z is working on a new album that will be a response to his wife Beyonce’s recent record “Lemonade,” in which she accused him of infidelity. Because apparently he’s never heard the saying ‘When wife gives you Lemonade, you should probably shut the fuck up.’

January 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, an increase in the frequency of viewing pornography leads to a decrease in motivation amongst men. Which explains, why, most days, Hugh Hefner doesn’t even get out of his pajamas.

2. According to reports, Planned Parenthood will endorse Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton for president on Sunday in New Hampshire. Although, I can’t think of a better endorsement for Planned Parenthood than the existence of Donald Trump.

3. On Wednesday, Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz told a young undocumented immigrant in Iowa that there are “consequences” for violating laws. Said the immigrant, “I live in Iowa now, isn’t that consequence enough?”

4. According to a new study, older obese people with mild cognitive impairment who lose a small amount of weight may see some improvement on exams testing their mental acumen. That story again, lose some weight, you fat idiot.

5. According to a new study, when everyone in a car buckles up, passengers in the front may be safer than riders in the back. Which explains how Billy Joel is still alive.

6. A U.S. congressman from Arizona said on Thursday he would introduce a bill to strip Bill Cosby of his Presidential Medal of Freedom. Said Cosby, “You had me at ‘strip’.”

7. A Spanish company has invented a speaker that is designed to be inserted into the vagina of a pregnant woman to stimulate her unborn baby. Although, it doesn’t work for everyone, for instance, in Octomom, there’s too much echoing.

8. This week, Malaysia Airlines passengers flying to Europe from Kuala Lumpur were told that a temporarily ban on checked luggage was in place due “unreasonably strong headwinds” limiting the airlines’ ability to safely carry baggage in cargo. That way, with your bags safe at the airport, your loved ones will have a few mementos to remember you by.

9. Yesterday, Iraq dispatched its foreign minister to Tehran with an offer to mediate in the escalating feud between Saudi Arabia and Iran. Iraq volunteered because, I assume, Dennis Rodman wasn’t available.

10. Video has surfaced of employees of a southern California Pizza Hut smoking marijuana while on the job during New Year’s Eve. But, in their defense, they were very easily able to forget old acquaintance.

11. Yahoo was ordered by a Chicago federal judge on Monday to face a class action lawsuit accusing the Internet company of sending unsolicited text messages to Sprint cellphone users. Hopefully this ruling also means that Google will stop sending me dick pics.

12. A fragance inspired by Russian President Vladimir Putin named “Leaders Number One” has gone on sale in Moscow for $95 a bottle. It is expected to sell better than German Prime Minister Angela Merkel’s perfume “Mein Waft.”

13. According to a police report, a Secret Service agent’s gun, badge, radio, handcuffs and flash drive were stolen in broad daylight near the agency’s headquarters in D.C. Which made the agent’s firing go very quickly since he didn’t have to turn over his badge and gun.

14. In a recent interview, Golden State Warrior Stephen Curry said he believes he is the best basketball player in the world. Curry said he realized he had a chance to be the best player in the world when he looked down and realized his jersey didn’t say “Sixers” on it.

15. In a new interview, Ivanka Trump says her father is a “great advocate for women … believes in equality of gender … [and has] confidence in women to do any job that a man can do.” That story again, Ivanka Trump is adopted.

16. ESPN has invited the five candidates in FIFA’s presidential election to participate in a debate on the future of the crisis-hit governing body for world soccer. And, despite there only being five candidates, Rick Santorum is still somehow relegated to an earlier debate.

17. Actor Mark Salling, best known for his role in the television show “Glee,” was arrested last Tuesday on suspicion of possessing child pornography. “Glee” has already distanced itself from Salling, but, on the plus-side, Subway has reached out.

18. Last week, a Dutch court decided that a woman who won a $2.3 million lottery during a divorce has no obligation to share it with her ex-husband. A woman who gets a divorce and wins the lottery, or, as Tiger Woods’ ex-wife calls it, getting a divorce.

19. Last week, a video surfaced of former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson falling off a hoverboard. So congratulations Buster Douglas, your lifetime achievement was just equaled by a 30-pound, gizmo made by toddlers in China.

20. U.S. Internet connection speeds have tripled over the past 3-1/2 years to keep up with consumer demands for streaming video and downloading content. This study was conducted anywhere but your parent’s house.

21. Digital security expert John McAfee says he has developed a new technology called Everykey that can replace your passwords, log you into websites, unlock your phone and even open your digital door locks. The new technology will make life much easier for you and whoever steals your identity.

22. Lake Superior State University in Michigan has released its annual list of words and phrases that it says should be banished in the new year, which includes the phrase “breaking the internet.” So now Time Warner is in the business of malfunctioning the internet.

23. During last week’s Rose Bowl Parade, a skywriter took to the skies and wrote “America is great! Trump is disgusting” above the festivities. And, in related news, Trump has announced a new biggest threat to our country, clouds.

24. A video from a New Year’s Eve performance shows Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee getting stuck on a track drumming upside-down. The last time there was a video showing that much blood rushing to Tommy Lee’s head, he was on a boat with Pamela Anderson.

25. Netflix has posted detailed instructions on its website that teach users how to make socks that pause the streaming service if users fall asleep while watching a movie. So I might be able to finally tell you what happens at the end of “Lincoln.”

June 13, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. This coming Sunday is Fathers’ Day and, to save time, this year Hallmark has come out with a line of greeting cards specifically addressed to Kevin Federline.

2. Four strippers in New York were arrested this week for allegedly drugging their wealthy clients and running up exorbitant tabs on their credit cards. Begging the question, what kind of stripper takes credit cards and where does she swipe them?

3. A man arrested at actress Sandra Bullock’s Los Angeles home over the weekend was reportedly inside for more than an hour before police were called. But, considering he was watching a DVD of “Hope Floats,” I’m sure it felt like an eternity.

4. According to recently declassified documents, in 1961 a U.S. Air Force Bomber broke in half over North Carolina releasing two nuclear bombs that luckily didn’t explode when they hit the ground. Are your sure they didn’t explode and you’re not confusing North Carolina with Louisiana?

5. According to a state-run newspaper, Kim Jong Un has been touring North Korean meteorological facilities complaining that there are “too many incorrect” weather forecasts. Said Jong Un, “Get one more report wrong and it’ll be partly cloudy with a 100% chance of decapitation.”

6. During a speech in Chicago on Wednesday, Hillary Clinton incorrectly referred to Abraham Lincoln as a senator, not a congressman. Said Clinton, “No matter the title, my point remains, if not for Lincoln’s actions while in office, I would have been president in 2008.”

7. Texas Governor Rick Perry reportedly caused a stir Wednesday evening by comparing homosexuality to alcoholism at in event in San Francisco. Which is possibly the worst example ever of the saying “know your audience.”

8. Lowe’s announced Wednesday that it has built a “holoroom,” which uses 3-D technology to allow customers to “walk through” a virtual floor plan of their dream-home. Said Hillary Clinton, “Well, first thing’s first, the drapes in the Oval Office have to go…”

9. Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel is complaining that Donald Trump has put an “architecturally tasteless” sign on the top of the city’s second tallest building. I never would have guessed a guy who looks like Trump would make a bad stylistic decision about what goes on top of something.

10. President Obama was given a clean bill of health by the White House doctor on Thursday. “What kind of lollipop did you get?” said Biden.

11. The Jamaican government has decided to decriminalize the possession of small amounts of marijuana. “Way ahead of you,” said everyone else in Jamaica.

12. On Thursday, ten designers competed for first place and $10,000 in the 10th annual toilet paper wedding dress contest held in New York City. So if you always cry at weddings, but forget to bring tissues, you’re in luck.

13. This week a Massachusetts woman gave birth to the second of her two twins twenty-four days after the first one was born. Said the second kid, “I thought he’d never leave.”

14. The federal government filed suit against a customer service provider on Wednesday over allegations the company forced employees to pray and thank God for their jobs or be fired. Which is weird because anytime I’ve ever been stuck on the phone with a customer service rep I’m 100% certain there is no God.

15. California officials plan to build a new psychiatric ward to provide impatient mental health care for prisoners on death row. Said the death-row shrink, “Now lay down while I plug in the sofa.”

16. According to a survey released on Wednesday, New Yorkers want to keep horses in Central Park, are less keen on making pet ferrets legal and fully support “you knocking it off with the questions and getting the fuck out of my way so I can get to work.”