June 10, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, in the upcoming general election, Donald Trump plans on painting Hillary Clinton as a money-grubbing, unethical candidate. As opposed to Donald Trump who is a money-grubbing, unethical candidate who wears a hat.

2. Former NFL tight-end and convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez has hired Jose Baez, the lawyer who got Casey Anthony acquitted of murder, to head his appeal team. Baez made the announcement because, if history is any guide, it’s always good to let as many people as possible know that you’re gonna be hanging out with Aaron Hernandez.

3. Former NFL tight-end and convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez has hired Jose Baez, the lawyer who got Casey Anthony acquitted of murder, to head his appeal team. Hernandez said he decided to switch legal teams for the appeal after the lawyers who represented him when he was found guilty of murder mysteriously disappeared.

4. In a recent interview, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump made the audacious claim that he broke the glass ceiling for women. I’m just surprised that he knew there was a ceiling considering how little he seems to be aware of things going on above his head:
trump hair

5. The rock band Queen is exploring legal options to prevent Donald Trump from using their song “We Are the Champions” at his campaign rallies. But, to be fair, the song was never a good fit because the “we” implies that Trump was giving credit to someone besides himself for winning.

6. A Cleveland Cavaliers fan was fired from her job after sending out a series of insensitive tweets directed at Golden State Warrior Stephen Curry’s family. While Donald Trump is attempting to get a job through a series of insensitive tweets.

7. According to a new study, smoking both marijuana and tobacco during pregnancy may create greater health risks than cigarettes alone. So, you hear that pregnant ladies, just stick to cigarettes.

8. Furniture giant IKEA will open a museum at the end of this month about the history of the company and its products. The museum was set to open last month, but was delayed after the workers finished building the museum and realized they had five extra pieces remaining.

9. A man in China took his hyper-realistic sex doll with him as a date to the “World of Warcraft” movie. So, for once, the movie theater floor wasn’t the stickiest thing in the room.

10. More than 500 people have signed up for TrumpDating.com, a website for single people who support Donald Trump. Which is super-convenient, because before that, if you wanted to meet like-minded individuals, you had to go all the way down to the Klan rally.

11. This week, General Mills announced that it is introducing its first new cereal in over 15 years and it’s called Tiny Toast. Which, coincidentally, I believe was Donald Trump’s nickname for Marco Rubio.

12. On Wednesday, Forbes named soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo the world’s highest paid athlete, earning $88 million last year. Even more amazing, somehow the Mets are on the hook for half of that.

13. A California high school student brought his favorite video game to prom as his date. Which explain why his favorite sex move is UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A, START.

14. On Monday, for her 18th birthday, a popular Youtube personality came out as gay. Although, if you’re entire life is devoted to posting videos on Youtube, I’m not sure it gets better.

15. On Tuesday, “Today Show” anchor Savannah Guthrie announced that she is pregnant and, as a result, won’t travel to Rio for NBC’s coverage of the Olympics due to the Zika virus. “I’ll do it!” said Michael Strahan, unprovoked.

16. During Monday night’s episode of “So You Think You Can Dance,” a contestant vomited on judge Paula Abdul. Although, it was a nice change of pace for Abdul who is used to being covered in her own vomit.

17. A father in Florida, fed up with his son’s smoking weed and “acting like a thug,” sold the teen’s SUV on Craigslist. Although, if he smokes enough weed, the dad should be able to convince his son he never even had a car in the first place.

18. According to a new study, children born in the 41st week of pregnancy, which is considered “late-term,” have better test scores and are more likely to be classified as “gifted” compared with children born “full-term” at 39 or 40 weeks. Although, at some point, having your mother carry you around becomes a detriment:
jeb & barbara

19. Donald Trump sought to tout his support among African-Americans on Friday by pointing out a black man in the crowd and calling him “my African-American.” People were offended, but in Trump’s defense, this was the guy:
black guy

20. In a new interview, director Judd Apatow said that people complaining about the upcoming, all-female, reboot of “Ghostbusters” are probably the same people who are voting for Donald Trump. ‘Not true,” said Ernie Hudson.

21. In an effort to increase the population that pays into the federally funded national retirement program in Denmark, officials have started a campaign urging young married couples to have more babies with the tag line “Do it for Mom.” “Way ahead of you,” said Oedipus.

22. Last week, a moose gave birth in a Lowe’s parking lot in Alaska. And, in related news, Bristol Palin has finally found her spirit animal.

23. There is a new trend in which women pay up to $300 to have their vaginas massaged by a professional. Or, for free, you can just go to the Port Authority.

24. Tony Fisher, the British man who created the world’s largest Rubix cube, measuring 220-pound and 5-foot-tall, took two full days to solve the puzzle. Yet the puzzle that is getting a girlfriend still remains a mystery.

25. An elephant in Zimbabwe, that was wounded by poachers, was treated and saved when it approached and pleaded with humans at a lodge for help. That story again, an elephant in Zimbabwe has better medical insurance than I do.

26. A Mexican “adult hospitality” firm has chartered a Royal Caribbean ship for the world’s first sex cruise, an eight day orgy, setting sail in 2017. So, for once, I’ll be rooting for the iceberg.

27. A Mexican “adult hospitality” firm has chartered a Royal Caribbean ship for the world’s first sex cruise, an eight day orgy, setting sail in 2017. You’re guaranteed to get nauseous before you even set sail.

28. Over the weekend, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich called Donald Trump’s ethnicity based attacks on the judge in charge of his Trump University case “one of the worst mistake’s Trump has made.” Which can only mean one thing, Gingrich hasn’t met Eric or Donald Trump Jr.

29. Oklahoma City Thunder All-Star Kevin Durant will be honored with the Everyday Hero medal after helping local paramedics get to the scene of an accident quicker. Unfortunately, the paramedics weren’t around to help Durant and his teammates from choking.

30. McDonald’s Japan is giving away a chicken McNugget made of 18-karat gold. Now, that’s the face of a winner:

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