May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

March 11, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, while meeting with supporters at a local church in Alabama, President Trump signed multiple copies of the Bible. It is the most regrettable thing Trump has put his name on since Don Jr. 

2. An Oregon man, who was stranded in his snowbound SUV with his dog, told rescuers he survived for five days solely on Taco Bell sauce packets. Thus reaffirming what we already knew, Taco Bell fire sauce goes great with dog meat.

3. A doughnut shop in Florida is selling a $1000 doughnut that is topped with 24-karat gold and Cristal champagne. So, if you live in Florida and have a grand to spare, enjoy the extra thousand dollars worth of meth. 

4. Sunday night, filmmaker Spike Lee won his first ever Oscar. In response, Lee lowered his demands to 30 acres and a mule.

5. Last weekend, after accepting the Best Actor Oscar for his role in “Bohemian Rhapsody” the Freddie Mercury bio-pic, actor Rami Malek accidentally fell off the stage. Or, he’s already starting prepping for his next role, ‘Frasier’ the Kelsey Grammar biopic:

6. On Tuesday, several members of the Portland Trailblazers were stuck for over thirty minutes in an malfunctioning elevator. Even worse, one time Rob Gronkowski was stuck for three days on a broken escalator:

7. North Carolina authorities have jailed a wife for allegedly impersonating her daughter in court. “Wait, they were two different people?” asked a confused Woody Allen.

8. On Thursday, Israel’s attorney general announced corruption charges against Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu just 40 days before his re-election. Experts called the timing of the charges worrisome, while James Comey called it perfect.

9. On Friday, Alabama Republican Roy Moore, whose unsuccessful 2017 Senate campaign was marred by allegations he sexually pursued teenage girls while in his 30s, said he may again run for the Senate. It’s like Moore always says, if at first you don’t succeed, find a different fifteen year old girl.

10. Michael Cohen, the former personal lawyer of President Donald Trump, on Thursday sued the Trump Organization, saying it reneged on its obligation to reimburse him for millions of dollars of legal fees. “Wait, you’re getting paid for this!?!?!” asked Rudy Giuliani.

11. A Florida woman who once owned the day spa where Patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly solicited sexual acts, watched the Super Bowl with President Donald Trump. Begging the question, how did that criminal get that level of security clearance, also what was that spa owner doing there? 

12. A new report about the close relationship between Fox News and President Donald Trump says the President personally asked a top White House aide to make sure the Justice Department stopped AT&T from purchasing Time Warner. “If you want to prevent them from merging, I suggest making them sleep in different rooms,” said Melania.

13. According to a new study, when parents of boys don’t spend a lot of time playing or talking with them, their sons may be more likely to use guns in adolescence. You don’t say:

14. On Wednesday, singer R Kelly was taken into custody for failure to pay child support. Said the child in question, “You know what, I’m good.”

15. In a legal brief filed Wednesday with the Supreme Court, rappers Killer Mike, Chance the Rapper, Meek Mill, Yo Gotti, Fat Joe, and 21 Savage claimed Jamal Knox’s rap song “F*** the Police” is a “political statement” and “not a true threat of violence.” They also added that Sir Mix-a-lot has, at best, mixed emotion about larger posteriors.

16. According to a new survey, Americans are consuming more gourmet coffee than ever. Message received:

April 4, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Casey Anthony and O.J. Simpson may star in a reality TV show together. It will be the most literal season of ‘Surviror’ ever.

2. Yesterday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced that President Trump’s first quarter salary of $78,333 will be donated to the National Parks Service. Trump made the donation with one caveat, that the Parks Service use the money to buy Photoshop:

3. According to new research, babies cry more in Britain, Canada, Italy and Netherlands than in other countries, while newborns in Denmark, Germany and Japan cry and fuss the least. Researchers also found that babies tend to cry longer in the United States, in some cases, tantrums lasted up to 70 years:

4. As mobile phone use grows in India, more young men are calling women at random, hoping to strike up a relationship. Calling an unfamiliar number and being connected to a random Indian person, we have something like in the States, it’s called customer support.

5. Robert Weighton, Britain’s oldest man, who turned 109 last week, refused a birthday card from the Queen because she looked “miserable” on her official correspondence. “If that’s the case, I won’t even bother to write.” said Melaina.

6. According to a new study, the sounds of nature have a calming effect on people. “So, get it while you still can,” said the EPA.

7. The New England Rural Crime Unit is currently investigating the theft of more than 200 sheep. It actually may have been more than 200, but the person in charge of counting kept falling asleep.

8. A restaurant in North Carolina has seen an uptick in reservations after banning children under the age of five. “That’s not the Subway I know and love,” said Jared.

9. According to news reports, the last time that President Trump talked to former-President Obama was on inauguration day. Because ‘talk’ implies a two-way conversation:

10. Last week, border guards in Ukraine discovered a lion cub in a van carrying 2,245 parrots. That’s crazy, since when does Ukraine have border guards?:

June 10, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, in the upcoming general election, Donald Trump plans on painting Hillary Clinton as a money-grubbing, unethical candidate. As opposed to Donald Trump who is a money-grubbing, unethical candidate who wears a hat.

2. Former NFL tight-end and convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez has hired Jose Baez, the lawyer who got Casey Anthony acquitted of murder, to head his appeal team. Baez made the announcement because, if history is any guide, it’s always good to let as many people as possible know that you’re gonna be hanging out with Aaron Hernandez.

3. Former NFL tight-end and convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez has hired Jose Baez, the lawyer who got Casey Anthony acquitted of murder, to head his appeal team. Hernandez said he decided to switch legal teams for the appeal after the lawyers who represented him when he was found guilty of murder mysteriously disappeared.

4. In a recent interview, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump made the audacious claim that he broke the glass ceiling for women. I’m just surprised that he knew there was a ceiling considering how little he seems to be aware of things going on above his head:
trump hair

5. The rock band Queen is exploring legal options to prevent Donald Trump from using their song “We Are the Champions” at his campaign rallies. But, to be fair, the song was never a good fit because the “we” implies that Trump was giving credit to someone besides himself for winning.

6. A Cleveland Cavaliers fan was fired from her job after sending out a series of insensitive tweets directed at Golden State Warrior Stephen Curry’s family. While Donald Trump is attempting to get a job through a series of insensitive tweets.

7. According to a new study, smoking both marijuana and tobacco during pregnancy may create greater health risks than cigarettes alone. So, you hear that pregnant ladies, just stick to cigarettes.

8. Furniture giant IKEA will open a museum at the end of this month about the history of the company and its products. The museum was set to open last month, but was delayed after the workers finished building the museum and realized they had five extra pieces remaining.

9. A man in China took his hyper-realistic sex doll with him as a date to the “World of Warcraft” movie. So, for once, the movie theater floor wasn’t the stickiest thing in the room.

10. More than 500 people have signed up for TrumpDating.com, a website for single people who support Donald Trump. Which is super-convenient, because before that, if you wanted to meet like-minded individuals, you had to go all the way down to the Klan rally.

11. This week, General Mills announced that it is introducing its first new cereal in over 15 years and it’s called Tiny Toast. Which, coincidentally, I believe was Donald Trump’s nickname for Marco Rubio.

12. On Wednesday, Forbes named soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo the world’s highest paid athlete, earning $88 million last year. Even more amazing, somehow the Mets are on the hook for half of that.

13. A California high school student brought his favorite video game to prom as his date. Which explain why his favorite sex move is UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A, START.

14. On Monday, for her 18th birthday, a popular Youtube personality came out as gay. Although, if you’re entire life is devoted to posting videos on Youtube, I’m not sure it gets better.

15. On Tuesday, “Today Show” anchor Savannah Guthrie announced that she is pregnant and, as a result, won’t travel to Rio for NBC’s coverage of the Olympics due to the Zika virus. “I’ll do it!” said Michael Strahan, unprovoked.

16. During Monday night’s episode of “So You Think You Can Dance,” a contestant vomited on judge Paula Abdul. Although, it was a nice change of pace for Abdul who is used to being covered in her own vomit.

17. A father in Florida, fed up with his son’s smoking weed and “acting like a thug,” sold the teen’s SUV on Craigslist. Although, if he smokes enough weed, the dad should be able to convince his son he never even had a car in the first place.

18. According to a new study, children born in the 41st week of pregnancy, which is considered “late-term,” have better test scores and are more likely to be classified as “gifted” compared with children born “full-term” at 39 or 40 weeks. Although, at some point, having your mother carry you around becomes a detriment:
jeb & barbara

19. Donald Trump sought to tout his support among African-Americans on Friday by pointing out a black man in the crowd and calling him “my African-American.” People were offended, but in Trump’s defense, this was the guy:
black guy

20. In a new interview, director Judd Apatow said that people complaining about the upcoming, all-female, reboot of “Ghostbusters” are probably the same people who are voting for Donald Trump. ‘Not true,” said Ernie Hudson.

21. In an effort to increase the population that pays into the federally funded national retirement program in Denmark, officials have started a campaign urging young married couples to have more babies with the tag line “Do it for Mom.” “Way ahead of you,” said Oedipus.

22. Last week, a moose gave birth in a Lowe’s parking lot in Alaska. And, in related news, Bristol Palin has finally found her spirit animal.

23. There is a new trend in which women pay up to $300 to have their vaginas massaged by a professional. Or, for free, you can just go to the Port Authority.

24. Tony Fisher, the British man who created the world’s largest Rubix cube, measuring 220-pound and 5-foot-tall, took two full days to solve the puzzle. Yet the puzzle that is getting a girlfriend still remains a mystery.

25. An elephant in Zimbabwe, that was wounded by poachers, was treated and saved when it approached and pleaded with humans at a lodge for help. That story again, an elephant in Zimbabwe has better medical insurance than I do.

26. A Mexican “adult hospitality” firm has chartered a Royal Caribbean ship for the world’s first sex cruise, an eight day orgy, setting sail in 2017. So, for once, I’ll be rooting for the iceberg.

27. A Mexican “adult hospitality” firm has chartered a Royal Caribbean ship for the world’s first sex cruise, an eight day orgy, setting sail in 2017. You’re guaranteed to get nauseous before you even set sail.

28. Over the weekend, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich called Donald Trump’s ethnicity based attacks on the judge in charge of his Trump University case “one of the worst mistake’s Trump has made.” Which can only mean one thing, Gingrich hasn’t met Eric or Donald Trump Jr.

29. Oklahoma City Thunder All-Star Kevin Durant will be honored with the Everyday Hero medal after helping local paramedics get to the scene of an accident quicker. Unfortunately, the paramedics weren’t around to help Durant and his teammates from choking.

30. McDonald’s Japan is giving away a chicken McNugget made of 18-karat gold. Now, that’s the face of a winner:
gold