January 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a Kentucky woman gave her probation officer a dog urine sample during a drug screening. Officials became suspicious when her tests came back positive for snausages.

2. During a rally on Friday, President Trump warned his supporters that his Democratic opponents would tear down crosses. Although I’m not sure uppercase T’s count as crosses: 

3. Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg on Tuesday said his campaign had unknowingly used prison workers to make telephone calls on his behalf. Although, I think they would have been more effective if they had been knocking on doors instead:

4. Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein underwent back surgery last week. Here’s hoping for a quick recovery … for the doctors who had to see him naked. 

5. President Trump on Friday blasted the magazine founded by the late Reverend Billy Graham after the publication called for him to be removed from office. Said Trump, “That magazine isn’t even worthy of being rolled up by a stripper to be spanked with.”

6. Russian President Vladimir Putin again invited President Trump to visit Moscow in the coming year. The prostitutes are already preparing for Donald’s arrival:

7. President Trump said on Tuesday he would be happy to have a trial in the Senate following his impeachment in the House, but that he did not really care. Trump has such little interest in the matter that he has nicknamed it ‘Tiffany.’

8. On Monday, doctors to Bernie Sanders said the presidential hopeful passed a stress test. That story again, apparently there are no visual components to stress tests:

9. A recent study found that a Google artificial intelligence system proved as good as expert radiologists at detecting which women had breast cancer. “Great, now all women can share my experience of what it’s liked to get felt up by a robot,” said Ann Romney.

10. Disney World employees who portray costumed characters have filed incident reports with police, claiming tourists inappropriately touched them. “When you’re a star, they just let you do it,” said one Donald to another.

11. According to reports, actress Lori Loughlin is reportedly practicing martial arts so she’ll be ready for prison. Or, more likely:

12. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison. Apparently now you can get sent to jail for making babies that shouldn’t exist, so better lawyer up Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.

13. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison on Monday for illegally practicing medicine. “Wait, you can legally practice medicine?” said this guy:

14. According to a new study, almost 1 in 18 women have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace. This study was conducted anywhere other than “The Today Show”:

15. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. So now you have something other than that tumor to worry about, next person in that scanner. 

16. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. The study concluded that you should never let give the night janitor keys to the MRI room.

November 4, 2019 – Monologues Jokes

1. The makers of the board game Clue have announced that the game’s next edition will be the first to feature a bathroom as a possible crime scene. As in, “Professor Plum, in the bathroom, one hour after eating Chipotle.” 

2. On Wednesday, President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump hosted trick-or-treaters at the White House and gave out full-sized Hershey bars. Or, at least, they looked full-size in Trump’s hands: 

3. According to a new study, construction workers are more likely to use cocaine than other profession. But I assume that’s because no one considers being a DJ a profession. 

4. Thursday night, President Trump said he is changing his primary residence from New York to Florida. He also added, “Please don’t tell Eric.”

5. Washington Redskins Pro Bowl tackle Trent Williams says he no longer trusts the organization after team doctors failed to detect a cancerous growth on his scalp. Wow, that’s terrible, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, having to play for the Redskins. 

6. Tiger Woods matched Sam Snead’s record of 82 PGA Tour victories when he won a golf tournament in Japan last week. The last time Tiger finished first in Asia, Asia had just gotten off her shift at the Waffle House. 

7. In a recent interview, singer Marie Osmond, of Donnie & Marie fame, admitted that when she was younger she thought she was gay. The biggest warning sign, she liked Donnie & Marie. 

8. Singer Lady Gaga recently tweeted “Fame is Prison.” “I’ll let you know if that’s an accurate comparison in a couple of weeks,” said Aunt Becky. 

9. Republican Senator Mitt Romney recently admitted to running a secret Twitter account under the alias ‘Pierre Delecto.’ And you gotta give it to him, it’s not easy to come up with a name stupider than Mitt Romney.

10. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders recently held a campaign rally in Queens that attracted more than 26,000 supporters. “We didn’t even realize 26,000 people lived in Queens,” said the Mets.

11. According to a new study, men who eat a heart-healthy diet may have better quality sperm than their peers who dine mostly on junk food. Yeah, no shit:

12. Last week, President Trump downplayed the possibility of throwing out the first pitch of a World Series game by saying, “They gotta dress me up in a lot of heavy armor. I’ll look too heavy. I don’t like that.” Begging the question, is he always wearing body armor?

13. According to a new report, doctors should always ask for a child’s consent before treating them. “But that just applies to doctors, right?” asked Jerry Sandusky.

14. The whistleblower whose complaint led to the impeachment inquiry against President Trump has offered to answer written questions from Republicans on the House Intelligence Committee. Questions like “How did you stand up to Trump?” and “What’s it like to have a backbone?”

15. In a recent interview, Kanye West said God rewarded him with a $68 million tax refund because he became a born-again Christian. “Yes, it’s definitely Jesus’s doing,” said his undoubtedly Jewish accountant.

16. In his new book, Donald Trump Jr. said his father, President Trump, can’t be racist because, as a kid, he was allowed to play video games with Michael Jackson. Or maybe, just maybe, your father hates spending time with you more than he hates black people.

17. This week, Charmin set up a new toilet paper-dispensing kiosk in an outdoor Manhattan park. Hey, Charmin, I beg of you, stop making it easier for New Yorkers to shit in public.

18. Last week Donald Trump Jr. participated in a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new plaza in Arizona which was named in his honor. Said the people of Arizona, “President Trump has never been more relatable now that we too have disappointingly named something Donald Trump Jr.”

April 15, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. The first ever picture of a black hole was taken this week. And, purely out of reflex, Republicans tried to take away its voting rights.

2. According to a new study, 1 in 13 boys in the U.S. have sex before they reach their teenage years. Which is weird, because I thought way more boys were Catholic. 

3. A Chinese company has developed an automatic sperm extractor they say can be used in clinics to collect semen from donors who are reluctant to masturbate in a hospital setting. “Who are these men that are reluctant to masturbate in certain places?” said everyone who has every ridden the A-train.

4. A Chinese company has developed an automatic sperm extractor they say can be used in clinics to collect semen from donors who are reluctant to masturbate in a hospital setting. That story again, Lindsay Lohan is finally getting some work.

5. In a recent study, scientists created 3-D scans of dolphins’ vaginas and found that a dolphin’s clitoris is remarkably similar to a human woman’s. The study revealed a lot about the anatomy of dolphins and even more about the anatomy of those scientists’ wives.

6. After facing additional charges stemming from her role in the recent college-admissions cheating scandal, actress Lori Loughlin has reportedly reached out to Lindsay Lohan’s former crisis manager for help. Said the crisis manager, “Hello, cocaine here.” 

7. On Thursday, Michael Avenatti, was indicted and charged with 36 counts of fraud, perjury, failure to pay taxes, embezzlement and other financial crimes. Which all begs the question, how was he not Trump’s lawyer?

8. According to reports, President Trump recently told his aides that White House adviser Stephen Miller is in charge of all immigration and border issues. The way immigration will now work is you’ll be able to come into the country if you can answer all three of Miller’s riddles:

9. This week, Congressman and MIT graduate Thomas Massie attempted to discredit former Secretary of State John Kerry by getting him to admit that his bachelor’s degree in political science from Yale was not really a science degree. Begging the question, can MIT rescind a degree?

10. Xander Schauffele, who was alone atop the leaderboard for a brief moment during the  final round  of the Masters on Sunday, said falling short to Tiger Woods in a major tournament was like a dream. And I don’t know what makes me sadder for Schauffele, his heart-breaking loss or his shitty dreams.

11. Trump advisor Stephen Miller wants to hold migrants seeking asylum in what he referred to as “tent cities.” Not to be confused with fort cities, which is what Eric turned the White House situation room into:

12. According to ‘Politico,’ while on a guided tour of Mount Vernon, President Trump couldn’t understand why George Washington didn’t name the compound after himself, saying, “If he was smart, he would have put his name on it.” Which is crazy, because of all people, you’d think Trump would have learned the downside of naming things after yourself:

 13. On Tuesday, Magic Johnson announced that he is stepping down as president of basketball operations of the Los Angeles Lakers, saying “I want to go back to having fun.” Which is ironic, because having too much fun was what led to his 1991 announcement.

March 18, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, Scotland’s worst serial killer Angus Sinclair died at the age of 73. He is survived by his ‘to-do’ list.

2. It has been announced that there will be a new emoji to represent interracial couples. So, if you thought your grandfather were confused by emojis before…

3. A German yachtsman who was knocked overboard credited his jeans with saving his life after fashioning them into a make-shift life jacket that kept him afloat for over three hours. That story again, at this point, Jay Leno is basically half fish: 

4. A Texas couple has a started a company that sells beer for dogs. Or, as it’s more commonly known, Michelob Lite.

5. A British company has introduced a wearable penis camera. So gone are the days of having to tape a GoPro to your balls.

6. According to a new report, the average city bus in New York City travels just 6.4 miles per hour, which transit researchers have pointed out is nearly 2 miles per hour slower than a rat can sprint. “That’s why we take the subway to work,” said business rats:

7. This week, NASA said that the first person on Mars will most likely be a woman. “Fuck,” said Dr. John Gray:

8. According to newly released emails, Rudy Giuliani reassured Michael Cohen in an April 2018 email that Cohen could “sleep well tonight” because he had “friends in high places.” Which means one of two things, Giuliani was dangling a presidential pardon or he was once again stuck in a tree:

9. Toyota announced plans to send an electric car to the moon by 2029. The way it will work is the driver will enter “Flagstaff, Arizona” into Apple Maps GPS and then follow the directions.

10. “Full House” actress Lori Loughlin appeared in federal court in Los Angeles on Wednesday to face charges of taking part in a scheme in which dozens of wealthy parents are accused of paying for their children to cheat their way into prestigious universities. And yet somehow Dave Coulier still walks around a free man.

11. Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort read a statement during his sentencing hearing this week asking the judge for leniency so he can spend time with his wife. Said the judge, “Don’t worry, where you’re going, you’ll be the wife”:

12. Senator Cory Booker all but guaranteed at a campaign event on Friday that he will pick a woman as his running mate if he wins his party’s nomination. “It sounds good in theory,” said the ghost of John McCain.

13. Actress Rosario Dawson, whose film credits include “Rent” and “Men in Black II,” has confirmed reports she is dating presidential candidate Cory Booker. Not to be confused with President Trump’s actress girlfriend who stared in “Bent” and “II Black Men”:

14. According to a new study women who gain more weight than recommended while pregnant may increase their chances for serious complications at delivery. As do the husbands who point that fact out to their pregnant wives.