May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

August 12, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A 107-year-old woman in the Bronx said the secret to her long life was never getting married. “Solid advice,” said Nicole Brown Simpson.

2. Last week, a Florida man who goes by the name ‘Murder’ and has the word ‘murder’ tattooed on his neck, was found guilty of murder. Said the man’s lawyer, “I told you to tattoo ‘not’ before that.” 

3. Saudi Arabia will host the world’s richest horse race in Riyadh at the King Abdulaziz Racetrack next year, with a purse of $20 million. “I’ve got an idea,” said Usain Bolt:

4. This week, former Vice President Joe Biden said that “half of winning is showing up.” Which explains why Don Jr. and Eric lost all those tee-ball games:

5. In a recent interview, actor Jason Mamoa says he is unable to shoot ‘Aquaman 2’ because he got run over by a bulldozer. And not, as I suspected, because he saw ‘Aquaman 1.’ 

6. Actor Richard Gere on Friday visited 121 migrants stranded for the past week on a rescue ship in the Mediterranean. “And Richard Gere knows a thing or two about things getting stranded in unwelcome places,” said Squeaks the hamster.

7. According to a new study by the International Nut and Dried Fruit Council, men who eat nuts have better sexual performance. “Hello ladies,” said guy:

8. Last week, a jury in California ruled that singer Katy Perry’s hit single ‘Dark Horse’ copied a Christian rap song and must pay the original writers for copyright infringement. Yes, but what about justice for the jurors who were forced to listen to a Christian rap song? 

9. Last week, Apple announced that it has stopped letting contractors listen to user commands given to its voice assistant Siri. Said Apple, “Problem solved, we hired those contractors as full time employees.” 

10. President Trump recently attacked representative Elijah Cummings calling his Baltimore district a rat infested mess. Although his opinion of Baltimore has always been off:

11. According to Politico, President Trump reads four newspapers a day. Unfortunately, they are the same four newspapers everyday:

12. According to reports, the first lady of Japan may have pretended not to speak English after she was seated next to President Trump at the recent G20 Summit. Which is a shame, because the two seem to have so much in common, for instance, an inability to speak English:

13. An Indian man who was bitten by a snake got his revenge on the reptile by biting it back and killing it. And you don’t even want to know what he did to his dog after it humped his leg.

14. Police are searching for a woman who peed on a bin of potatoes in a Pennsylvania Walmart. “Ew, gross, potatoes,” said Trump.

15. Last week, democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders met with rapper Cardi B. They bonded over they desire to help the working poor, improve education, and stripping when they were younger:

16. After President Trump attached four ethnically diverse Democratic congresswomen, Republicans said they were unsure how President trump would respond to racist chants at his upcoming rallies. Although I’m guessing with a new line of hats:

17. In a televised speech last Monday condemning two mass shootings over the weekend, President Trump mistakenly referred to Toledo instead of Dayton as the city that suffered a mass shooting over the weekend. But, at this rate, give it a few weeks, and it will probably be accurate.

18. Japanese electronics manufacturer NEC Corporation unveiled a prototype flying car that stayed in the air for almost a minute during a test in Japan this week. Said the driver of the flying car behind it, “Go!!!! It’s been green for a full minute!!! GOOOOOO!!”

19. Japanese electronics manufacturer NEC Corporation unveiled a prototype flying car that stayed in the air for almost a minute during a test in Japan this week. The last time a car stayed in the air for a full minute, Paul Walker was driving it.

20. Last week, a nearly toothless Florida woman says she bit a man who forced his way into her apartment. That’s a crazy story, someone in Florida has teeth?

21. The Department of Health and Human Services is warning that new toxic chemicals are starting to contaminate cocaine in the United States. Which is a great thing to mention to already very paranoid group of people.

22. A Texas man proposed to his girlfriend this weekend by leading her on a 15-mile bike ride that spelled out the words “marry me.” So ladies, next time you’re mad at your boyfriend because he’s making a lot of u-turns and seems lost, remember to be even angrier when he doesn’t propose at the end.

23. Saudi Arabia’s capital market regulator on Tuesday approved two companies to test using robo-advisory services, or computer-generated advice for investors. If successful, the will begin testing robo-cocaine and robo-strippers.

24. According to a new study, adults who were underweight babies may be less likely to have romantic or sexual relations. Which explains my new pick up line, “You’re so hot, I bet you were a fat baby.”

25. Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster followed through Sunday on a pledge to give a fan season tickets for tattooing his signature onto his scalp. “Oh my God, that sounds terrible,” said Giants fans of being given season tickets.

26. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell fractured his shoulder Sunday after falling in his Kentucky home. Begging the question, how do you know where his neck ends and shoulder begins?

27. Coors Light has branded itself the official beer of drinking in the shower. And, I’m gonna guess, of peeing in the shower as well.

28. Kazakhstan has halted the implementation of an internet surveillance system criticized by lawyers as illegal. That hard to believe story again, they have the internet in Kazakhstan.

29. According to a recent report, when President Trump likes a tweet, he has a staffer print it our, then he signs it and sends the signed paper copy of the tweet to the person who tweeted it. And, in related news, there’s a fucking ‘Like’ button!!!!!!

30. A Michigan man was sentenced to 60 days in jail, to be served on weekends, for poisoning his wife’s coffee. That story again, a man in Michigan who tried to poison his wife has been sentenced to spend every weekday with her.

September 28, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, tennis superstar Serena Williams said her new baby daughter helped her recover from her recent U.S Open loss. “Really? Can we borrow your baby,” said the New York Jets.

2. North West, the 5-year-old daughter of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian West, walked her first fashion show runway over the weekend. Sounds like she got her fashion sense from her dad and her ability to get on stage and not say something stupid from her mom:

3. New York’s attorney general on Monday said lawyer review website Avvo had agreed to reform its rating system and improve disclosures after a probe revealed shortcomings in how it presented information to consumers seeking to hire lawyers. I don’t know, seems pretty helpful to me:

4. In an interview this week, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh admitted that he was a virgin throughout high school. In response, Ruth Bader Ginsburg called Kavanaugh “a fucking loser.”

5. HBO said on Thursday it will be dropping boxing from its programming schedule, ending a 45-year association with the sport. But fans of boxing shouldn’t be worried, HBO also announced an upcoming concert series with Chris Brown.

6. The Paris prosecutor’s office on Wednesday opened an investigation into a little known French rapper who shot to social media fame with a video called “Hang white people”. But, if you think about, isn’t that the subtitle of every Macklemore song too? 

7. Korean boy band BTS spoke at the United Nations this week. Marking the first time a pop-band has addressed the General Assembly since N’SYNC backed up Boutros Boutros-Ghali:

8. This week Arby’s announced that it is buying Sonic for $2.3 billion. Which equates to one dollar for every commercial on TV right now:

9. On Tuesday, a room full of world leaders at the U.N. laughed during Donald Trump’s speech when the president lavished praised on himself. Although Trump should be used to getting laughed at since he’s been roasted on Comedy Central, is made fun of nightly on talk shows, and has taken his pants off in front of real live women before.

10. A two-seater convertible car owned by Marilyn Monroe is going up for auction in November. It is expected to fetch much more than James Dean’s car.

11. This week the Secret Service unveiled the first update to the presidential limo since 2009, which is filled with a wide range of medical supplies including a refrigerator full of President Trump’s blood type. Big deal, I’ve seen limos with mini-fridges full of Diet Coke before too. 

12. The NHL is investigating Philadelphia Flyers forward Jori Lehtera after a Finnish news outlet reported he was questioned by police in his native Finland about his involvement in a cocaine ring. They may also want to question this guy:

13. A Silicon Valley start-up called Ambrosia is looking into opening a clinic in Manhattan where people over the age of 35 could be injected with the blood of younger people to help increase their vitality. Although, if you’re interested in other people’s fluids, may I suggest the subway. 

14. According to reports, Bronx rapper Cardi B is in talks to perform with Maroon 5 at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. So, at least someone from New York will be there:

15. President Trump was so late to his scheduled speech at the U.N. on Tuesday, that the President of Ecuador had to take his spot. Which, I’m hoping means, that whoever the hell that guy is, is now our president.

16. This week ‘Saturday Night Live’ announced the addition of a new cast member, Ego Nwodim. So congratulations Ms. Nwodim and my condolences to SNL announcer Daryl Hammond. 

17. Chick-fil-A surprised a Florida man on his 100th birthday with free food for life. Because there’s nothing better for the heart of an elderly man who likes fried food than surprises.

18. This week, a kangaroo got loose from a Florida animal reserve and wandered the streets of a residential community. Said every Floridan, “Do you see that kangaroo too, or is the meth just really good?”

April 1, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Five top players for the World Cup champion U.S. women’s soccer team have filed a federal wage discrimination complaint claiming they are paid less than male players even though they generate more income for the United States Soccer Federation. “Wait, you guys are getting paid?” said WNBA players.

2. Today is April Fools Day. Or, as it’s known this year, the last day for this whole Trump thing to make sense.

3. Recently, political commentator Glenn Beck said Ted Cruz was anointed by God to become president. Which is funny, because I was pretty sure Cruz’s success was evidence that there is no God.

4. During a recent Republican town hall a woman asked John Kasich if he would consider a female as his running mate, to which Kasich responded, “Are you available? You look great tonight.” “You know, this guy is sounding more presidential every day,” said Bill Clinton.

5. Police in New York City are looking for a man who was seen on the J train this week blowing kisses at other riders while masturbating. Even more disgusting, sometimes he switched hands.

6. Police in New York City are looking for a man who was seen on the J train this week blowing kisses at other riders while masturbating. But, since it was the J train, police are going to have to be more specific.

7. Fernando Estrella, a 41-year-old man from the Bronx, was charged with drug trafficking and after authorities in Vermont discovered 1,428 bags of heroin hidden in his body. Which is why his friends call him Fernando “Clown Car” Estrella.

8. German Interior Minister Thomas de Maiziere said he is planning a new law that will require refugees to learn German and integrate into society, or else lose their permanent right of residence. And there’s nothing more comforting than when a high-ranking German official uses the phrase “or else.”

9. The parents of a ten-year-old boy in Oklahoma took there son to the hospital due to flu-like symptoms, but were shocked when x-rays revealed he had eaten eight magnets. Unsurprisingly, the magnets weren’t missed since the boy who thought it would be a good idea to eat eight magnets hasn’t brought home school work deemed fridge-worthy in a long time.

10. A male model known for his ‘man-bun’ hairdo says the hairstyle started in and is thus owned by Canada. “You can have it!” said the rest of the world.

11. Former Charlotte Bobcat Adam Morrison is prepared for the end of the world revealing recently that he has an apocalypse bunker supplied with guns and food. Morrison thought, or at least hoped, the world was coming to end once he got drafted by the Bobcats.

12. A new study found that starting the day with a cold shower can increase male fertility. Which makes sense because Kevin Federline’s landlord turned off his hot water 12 years ago.

13. Mexicans celebrating an Easter ritual late on Saturday burnt effigies of U.S. Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump. And yet, somehow, the real Donald Trump still looks more burnt.

14. A Saudi man has been arrested for flying the rainbow gay-pride flag above his home in Jeddah. Said the disappointed man, “I was hoping the firefighters from my calendar would come and arrest me.”

15. Microsoft has unveiled its newest technology, the HoloLens, which allows people to view a live hologram of a person in another location. The technological advancements we’ve made in this generation are astonishing … and it’s already being used to send dick pics.

March 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Netflix reached a $100 million deal with actor Will Smith for the rights to his next movie. Not to be outdone, D.J. Jazzy Jeff also reached a deal with Netflix where he pays $6.99 a month for two DVDs.

2. A man in New York City is dressing up as Donald Trump an letting passersby punch him for $5, trample him $10 or pee on him for $300. And, in related news, Jeb Bush is now broke.

3. A Florida jury on Friday awarded Hulk Hogan $115 million after finding the Gawker website violated his privacy by publishing a sex tape of the wrestler. The jury also awarded itself $50 million for emotional damage resulting from having to watch the tape as evidence.

4. Toby, a two-nosed dog from California, was adopted last week from the animal shelter that was ready to put him down. Thus allowing Toby to continue his lifelong goal of finding a dog with two asses.

5. On Friday, the Indianapolis Colts announced that they will build a Peyton Manning statue outside of their stadium. The statue will be accurate down to the very last detail, including Manning’s height, shoe size and forty-yard dash time.

6. A street artist has painted a giant mural on the side of a building in Australia depicting rapper Kanye West making out with another Kanye West. Even more disturbing, there’s a third Kanye West in the background just watching.

7. Last week, a Beverly Hills real estate agent was fired over extremely racist comments she posted on social media. Although, her bosses should have known something was amiss when she kept hosting “kinda-open houses.”

8. A daughter of an Illinois state representative has been charged with participating in an attack on one of her mother’s political rivals that included using a staple gun on the victim’s forehead. The last time staples were used on a politician, Chris Christie underwent elective surgery.

9. On Friday, employees at a convenience store in Canada called local police after finding approximately $600,000 worth of heroin left on the shelves of their store. Which explains why a known drug smuggler was caught coming across the Canadian border with $100 worth of beef jerky up his butt.

10. A Bronx middle school teacher has been fined $300 after showing her students an ISIS decapitation video in class. But, in the teacher’s defense. those kids were really well-behaved the rest of that day.

September 19, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Larry Ellison, the world’s fifth richest person, worth $51 billion, announced he is retiring as CEO of Oracle, the company he founded in 1977. Ellison decided to step down when he remembered he was worth $51 billion.

2. During a concert in Monterey on Tuesday, singer Miley Cyrus offended many in attendance when one of her dancers used the Mexican flag to spank the oversized, fake butt she was wearing. It’s sad that one bad decision spoiled what otherwise would have been a very highbrow and classy evening.

3. San Francisco drag queens and a city lawmaker met with Facebook on Wednesday demanding the site change its policy banning users from using aliases in the social networking site. The drag queens also want to change how “poking” works.

4. A new study found that women in their eighties who fell indoors, rather than outdoors, died sooner than their peers. Unless, of course, they were skydiving.

5. After 260 years of exclusion, the Royal and Ancient golf club at St. Andrews in Scotland voted to allow women members. Their first act was to name Queen Elizabeth a honorary member because she is both royal and ancient.

6. Surveillance tape showed that a man armed with a banana robbed a convenience store in Philadelphia and made off on a bicycle with cash and cigarettes. But, in his defense, it sounds like he really needed the money.

7. Rush Limbaugh has ruffled some feathers by proclaiming on his radio program that sometimes when a woman says “no” she really means “yes.” Limbaugh also said it’s possible to build up an immunity to pepper spray.

8. In an effort to get illegal immigrants to join an identification card program, yesterday, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio offered reduced-price admission to many of the city’s famed attractions, including the Bronx Zoo, the Met and Carnegie Hall. Said illegal immigrants, “We don’t need cheap access to those places, who do you think cleans them?”

9. Researchers who measured the slipperiness of banana peels, the ability of pork stripes to stop nosebleeds, and the reactions of reindeer to humans in polar bear suits were among the winners of this year’s Ig Nobel prizes for comical scientific achievements. While this year’s lifetime achievement award went to the people who designed the Obamacare website.

10. A Swiss goalkeeper has threatened legal action after fans of a rival team urinated in his water bottle and then taunted him when he, unaware, took a sip. “I can’t believe soccer isn’t more popular in the U.S.” said R Kelly.

11. A Mississippi coroner went on social media over the weekend to urge residents to buy guns and be willing to use them on burglars. Adding, “It’s important to protect oneself and also, it’s just good for business.”

12. A Frankfurt judge set aside a temporary injunction issued two weeks ago against Uber allowing the car-sharing service to begin again across Germany. Now comes the hard part, convincing anyone to get into a car with a German stranger.

13. A man in Florida was arrested for masturbating during a yoga class. But, on the plus side, he got to keep that mat.

August 19, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Community Health Systems, one of the U.S.’s biggest hospital groups, said it was the victim of a cyber attack from China. Which would explain why my last fortune cookie knew about my rash and the lucky numbers were the digits of my social security number.

2. Seattle’s second retail marijuana store opened on Monday to a long line of customers. It’s perfect for potheads who live closer to this store or forgot where the first store was located.

3. Miami Heat player Ray Allen is likely to press charges against a group of teenagers who in the middle of the night slipped into the bedroom of his Florida home where his wife and children were sleeping. Said Allen, “As a former teammate of LeBron James, I’m used to people quietly sneaking out, but never in.”

4. Yesterday, former Microsoft CEO and newly minted owner of the Los Angeles Clippers, Steve Ballmer was introduced to a standing ovation at a team rally. Said former owner Donald Sterling, “Big deal, I used to get standing ovations all the time, because you can’t leave a room in disgust without first standing up.”

5. A new musical based on the life of Cuban-born singer Gloria Estefan will debut on Broadway next year. Or, for free, you can just go to the Bronx.

6. This week, the Islamic State militant group sent a message to the U.S. via social media vowing to “drown all of you in blood.” Word of advice, if you really want this thing to go viral, maybe add a bucket and some ice.

7. The husband of an American missionary stricken with Ebola has finished a health monitoring period without showing signs of the disease and will be able to visit his wife at the Atlanta hospital where she is being treated. Said the husband, “Maybe I’ll just send a card.”

8. On Monday, an owl killed a canary after swooping into a 10th floor apartment in Idaho, according to the canary’s owner. It was easily the coolest thing that has ever happened in Idaho.

9. On Monday, an owl killed a canary after swooping into a 10th floor apartment in Idaho, according to the canary’s owner. Even worse, it was the canary’s first day of retirement after working 30 years in the coal mines.

10. On Monday, an owl killed a canary after swooping into a 10th floor apartment in Idaho, according to the canary’s owner. Sylvester’s gonna be pretty disappointed.

January 6, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. More than 6.6 million people attended events with Pope Francis at the Vatican from his election to the end of 2013, compared to just 2.3 million for former Pope Benedict in all of 2012. Experts have attributed the increase in numbers to Pope Francis’s new edict officially recognizing women and gays as people.

2. A small plane made an emergency landing Saturday afternoon on the Major Deegan Expressway in the Bronx. The plane had enough gas to make it to Newark Airport, but the pilot thought it would be safer to put the plane down on a busy highway than actually go to New Jersey.

3. President Obama will ratchet up his administration’s push for an extension of emergency unemployment benefits on Tuesday with an event at the White House attended by people whose benefits have expired. Said President Obama, “Hey, they’re cheap labor.”

4. Six weeks after he pleaded guilty to cocaine possession and checked into rehab, Florida Congressman Trey Radel will rejoin Congress this week. Said Radel, “I don’t know why everyone’s making such a big deal about this. Have you ever been to Florida? I think I’m representing my constituency fairly accurately.”

5. Blackberry said on Friday it had filed a lawsuit against a company co-founded by American Idol host Ryan Seacrest that offers a physical keyboard that be attached to an iPhone. And, if the judge has any sense of humor, after the jury hands him their decision, he’ll read it, look directly at Seacrest and say, “We’ll find out the verdict … right after this message from Coke.”

6. A Miami man returned from a New Year’s Eve party to find his prize French bulldog and two litters of puppies, valued at $80,000 stolen from his home. “I didn’t see anything,” said next-door neighbor Cruella DeVille.

7. A North Carolina town councilman planning to run for U.S. Congress has quit his post by submitting a resignation letter in Klingon. Or, more likely, it was in English and everyone around him in North Carolina just doesn’t know how to read.

8. According to a new study, Women using intrauterine devices and other types of long-term reversible birth control after having a baby are less likely to get pregnant again quickly. Also serving as a great deterrent to getting pregnant again quickly, having to take care of that first baby.

9. A new study suggests, African American women who follow the same diet as white women and exercise just as much tend to lose less weight. Doctors blame the difference on a slight genetic variation, while black men blame it on “dat ass.”

10. According to a new study, black and Hispanic people tend to know less about skin cancer than white people. Which would explain why Dr. Hernandez diagnosed that mole on my thigh as gross.