May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

October 30, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Security forces in Libya are searching for heavily armed men who seized a truck carrying more than $50 million in cash on Tuesday. “Heavily armed me” in Libya, that should narrow it down.

2. Kevin Jonas, one-third of the extremely popular Jonas Brothers Band, confirmed yesterday that the group has indeed broken up over creative differences. The announcement made me sad because I realized that, since he’s a solo act, I will never get the same great news about Justin Bieber.

3. Kevin Jonas, one-third of the extremely popular Jonas Brothers Band, confirmed yesterday that the group has indeed broken up over creative differences. And now, all that’s left is figuring out which one is Tito.

4. Yesterday, actor Emile Hirsch was tabbed to play the role of late comedic actor John Belushi in an upcoming bio-pic. Still no word on who will play John’s brother Jim Belushi, but rest assured that, much like Jim, it will be a huge disappointment.

5. On Tuesday, a suspicious package found outside the George W. Bush Presidential Library on the SMU campus was determined not to be a threat. But just to be safe, former President Bush ordered our troops to invade Iraq.

6. On Wednesday, as part of on-going peace talks, Israel freed 26 Palestinians prisoners from jail. And so begins the plot of “Oceans 26.”

7. Former U.S. Representative Jesse Jackson Jr. began his first day of a 30-month sentence in federal prison on Tuesday, a day after he had attempted to report early and was turned away. So even when a black guy defies stereotypes by showing up early, he does so by showing up early to prison.

8. Britain’s U.N. Ambassador Mark Lyass Grant suggested a new tactic on Tuesday to stop diplomats at the United Nations from speaking for too long, turn off their microphone. If adopted, this will replace the old method of using the Sandman.

9. The new FBI chief on Monday ordered all new agents to visit the national monument to late civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr. as a reminder not to repeat the abuses of the bureau’s past. But before any of the agents can go they have to make sure they get their permission slip signed.

10. Two Republican congressman on Sunday defended Washington’s surveillance programs abroad in reaction to protests from allies. Said the Republicans, “We just wanted to know if France thought we were cool, but we were too scared to ask her because she is totally hot.”