May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

February 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1.Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and U.S. President Donald Trump are set to meet today in Washington. And, when they stand next to each other for the requisite photo-op, it will look like a before-and-after ad for either the best or worst product in the world.

2. CNN anchor Chris Cuomo said last week, using the term ‘fake news’ towards journalist is equivalent to saying racial slurs like the n-word. Said President Trump, “Well, I’m running out of things to call Don Lemon.”

3. After the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals upheld the temporary retraining order against Donald Trump’s recent immigration ban, the president tweeted, “SEE YOU IN COURT.” Which, coincidentally, were also his wedding vows with Ivana, Marla and Melania.

4. A man in Plymouth, Massachusetts, angry at the town’s decision to build a statue of a Shakespeare character, announced plans to build a rival statue across the street of an erect penis. Although, according to the man’s wife, it would be more apt to call it memorial.

5. NBC News is reporting that Russia is considering turning former-NSA employee Edward Snowden over to the U.S. as ‘a gift’ to President Trump. Which is weird, because I was under the impression Russia already gave Trump a pretty big gift:
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6. The owner of a trendy Washington-area gym lashed out at Ivanka Trump over Facebook after finding out the president’s eldest daughter used an alias to took her exercise class. Ivanka wanted to be anonymous so she used the name ‘Tiffany Trump.’

7. Actor Richard Gere said on Friday that President Trump has managed to merge the meaning of the words “refugee” and “terrorist” in the minds of many Americans. Trump is also credited with merging the words “daughter” and “wife”:
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8. Austrian authorities are investigating reports of a man appearing in public in Adolf Hitler’s birthplace as the Nazi dictator’s double, including the distinctive mustache, haircut and clothing. “So I didn’t just dream that!” said Steve Bannon.

9. Researchers in Austria say dogs can mirror the personality of their owners. And I believe it: weiner

10. A newspaper in the Dominican Republic is apologizing after publishing a photo of the Alec Baldwin alongside a caption identifying him as, “Donald Trump, president of the USA.” The newspaper is also apologizing for mistakenly referring to this picture of an angry thumb as “Press Secretary Sean Spicer”:
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