May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

March 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, 120 diners celebrating a baptism at a restaurant in a small town in Spain all fled the restaurant at once without paying the bill which totaled over 2,000 euros. A story that President Trump no doubt loves because it combines two of his favorite things, Spanish people leaving and not paying bills.

2. Pizza Hut recently debuted their “Pie Tops,” a limited edition sneaker for March Madness, that allow customers to place orders by pressing a button on the tongue of the shoe that connects to an app. Of course, anyone interested in such a product hasn’t seen, let alone been able to touch their feet in years.

3. The Israeli government voted on Sunday in favor of decriminalizing recreational marijuana use. Because apparently, the one Jewish state in the world that is completely surrounded on every side by Muslim countries wasn’t already paranoid enough.

4. Last week, a lightning strike created a hole in the runway at New York’s LaGuardia Airport. Wow, lightning had a busy week, causing delays at LaGuardia and doing Halle Berry’s hair for the Oscars:
halle-berry

5. On Friday, Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov said the political scandal over contacts between the Russian ambassador and members of President Trump’s administration looked like “a witch hunt.” “Did someone say my name?” asked Kellyanne Conway.

6. There is a barbershop in Kazakhstan that uses strippers to cut men’s hair. It’s the only barbershop in the world where when the barber asks, “A little off the top?” the typical response is “Yes, but you first.”

7. The state of Arkansas plans to put to death eight inmates over a span of 10 days next month due to the looming expiration date for a drug used by the state for lethal injections. Yeah, wouldn’t want to give those people sentenced to death an expired medicine, could really do some damage, maybe even kill them.

8. The Justice Department said on Friday that Attorney General Jeff Sessions will reply in writing to Senate Democrats’ questions about his meetings with Russia’s ambassador last year. And, if some of his answers don’t make complete sense remember that Google translate doesn’t always convert Russian to English perfectly.

9. President Trump accused his predecessor Barack Obama on Saturday of wiretapping him during the late stages of the 2016 election campaign, but offered no evidence for the allegation. “You call this no evidence!?!” yelled our president:
sunny

10. A fire broke out late Thursday night at the Trump International Hotel in New York City. In response, Republicans in Congress passed a bill ordering the firefighters only to fight the smoke.

February 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. During his speech on Friday, President Trump called for an end to the media’s use of unnamed sources. But, in the media’s defense, sometimes things do a lot worse when you attach a name to them:

2. According to a new poll, 1 out of 3 Americans would move to a different planet to escape U.S. politics. And, according to the same survey, 1 out of 1 Slovenians would too:
trump-unhappy

3. Saturday evening, President Trump tweeted that he will not attend this year’s annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Which is odd because, I’m guessing, he hasn’t missed many dinners:
fat-trump

4. According to a report, nearly 2,000 appointed positions in the administration of President Donald Trump still remain vacant. Unfortunately, one of them is not president.

5. According to reports, Barack and Michelle Obama turned down an offer to compete on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ Which, unfortunately means, neither Barack or Michelle can ever be the Secretary of Energy:
rick-perry

6. A South Korean developer has produced the world’s first Braille smartwatch for the blind. Because even the blind don’t want to be seen wearing an Apple Watch.

7. A man in Florida claims his pet dog accidentally shot his sleeping girlfriend after leaping on his gun. Although, I don’t know how much of an accident it was, since right before, the dog said, “No, no, no, now you beg.”

8. During his speech at CPAC on Friday, President Trump ripped the media’s anonymous sources, saying, “Let them say it to my face.” “I thought I was,” said one source talking to a rotting pumpkin.

9. Scientists in London have trained bumblebees to do a job by bribing them with a sugary treat. So there’s still hope that someone will be able to train this WASP to do her job:

10. A Republican state senator in Arkansas has introduced legislation aimed at removing the Clinton name from Little Rock’s Bill and Hillary Clinton National Airport. “While you’re at it, can you take my name off of that shit-hole too,” said Fiorello LaGuardia.

Monologue Jokes – October 31, 2016

1. According to reports, Hillary Clinton is considering Vice President Joe Biden for the position of Secretary of State in her would-be cabinet. So heads up Chancellor Merkel:
biden

2. Thursday evening, the plane carrying Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence slid off the runway while landing at New York’s LaGuardia Airport. And you know your campaign is going poorly when even LaGuardia Airport is literally trying to distance itself from you.

3. On Friday, the FBI announced that it had found new emails related to Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s use of a private computer server after the agency seized cell phones belonging to Clinton aide Huma Abedin and her husband, Anthony Weiner. Thus accomplishing what many have tried and failed to do for so long, get a cell phone out of Anthony Weiner’s hands.

4. The FBI said on Friday it was investigating more emails as part of a probe into Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email system, just 11 days before Election Day. Or, as it was reported on Fox News:
foxnews

5. A 10-year-old New Mexico boy was told he could not wear his Hillary Clinton t-shirt to school. Which is bullshit, because from what I’ve seen at most rallies, not wearing a shirt at all means you’re a Trump supporter.

6. Over the weekend, a giant load of manure was dumped outside a Democratic Party headquarters in Ohio. Police have one suspect:
elephant

7. A Ukrainian man has officially changed his name to iPhone 7. Which is stupid because you know in nine months his parents are gonna come out with a new edition iPhone 8:
bedroom

8. Over the weekend, a hotdog cart in New Jersey exploded. As a result, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has ordered all flags statewide be lowered to half-mast.

9. On Sunday, Ivanka Trump turned 35. I know the fact that she’s his daughter hasn’t prevented Trump from openly talking about dating Ivanka, but her turning 35 should do the trick.

10. A Tennessee woman was arrested Thursday after numerous witnesses called 911 to report that a partially nude woman wearing clown makeup was blocking traffic. Begging the question, what was Christina Aguilera doing in Tennessee?

October 6, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new poll, 40% of Americans don’t know who either vice presidential candidate, Mike Pence or Tim Kaine, are. While the other 60% aren’t as lucky.

2. On Tuesday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said his running Mike Pence won the “single most decisive victory” in vice presidential debate history. Which is true, because never before has a vice presidential candidate bettered his opponent and his own running mate in just one debate.

3. A Paris swimming pool on Wednesday inaugurated a new heating system that uses warmth recovered from sewers in a bid to cut costs. And here’s a picture of the pool’s first swimmer, Augustus Gloop:
augustus

4. On Wednesday, former President George W. Bush appeared in a new TV ad urging everyone, regardless of who they support. Adding, “Every vote matters, unless you live in Florida circa 2000.”

5. According to reports, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton knew the questions ahead of time before appearing on Steve Harvey’s TV show earlier this year. As opposed to the normal course of business at ‘The Steve Harvey Show’ where guests don’t know the questions even after Steve has asked them.

6. On Tuesday, actress Sarah Jessica Parker hinted that talks were underway for a third ‘Sex and the City’ movie. To hear more about this, casually bring it up in conversation with your girlfriend.

7. Iraq’s Transportation Minister, Kazem Finjan, claims “ancient aliens” built earth’s first airports 7,000 years ago in the Middle East. And, somehow, those airports are in better condition than LaGuardia.

8. A man in the U.K. has been arrested for renovating his home while naked. But, on the plus side, HGTV has given him his own show entitled “Flip and Flop.”

9. During Tuesday night’s vice presidential debate, Democratic candidate Tim Kaine said Donald Trump has a personal Mount Rushmore that includes Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Muammar Gaddafi and Saddam Hussein. Which is a ridiculous claim, because there’s no way Trump would build a monument like that and not include himself.

10. At the beginning of Tuesday night’s vice presidential debate between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine, moderator Elaine Quijano asked the audience to refrain from cheering or clapping during the proceedings. Which was not a problem, since a majority of the audience was asleep within ten minutes.

March 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. After winning their opening games of the NCAA Tournament, Duke and Yale will play each other on Saturday in Rhode Island. The match-up will be so white and privileged that it is already the front runner for next year’s Oscars.

2. Thursday, was St. Patrick’s Day, where drunk revelers take to the streets to celebrate. Which means today, is watch where you step Friday.

3. On Thursday, a plane that was scheduled to land at New York’s LaGuardia Airport was diverted and landed safely elsewhere after being struck by lightning. “Those lucky bastards,” said the people who were scheduled to and did land at LaGuardia.

4. On Wednesday, Italian-born model Fabio became an American citizen. Of course, the one guy I wanted Trump to deport.

5. According to a new poll, half of U.S. women say they have a “very unfavorable” view of Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump. While the other half are looking for a word stronger than “very.”

6. A San Diego man who inherited from his father a 1974 aluminum penny valued at $2 million has surrendered it to the U.S. Mint to settle a lawsuit over ownership. Here’s a picture of him turning in the coin:
penny

7. During an interview Wednesday morning, Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump said his main foreign policy consultant is himself. He knows there’s more to foreign policy than picking wives, right?

8. Fox News has canceled its March 21st Republican presidential debate following Donald Trump’s announcement that he will not attend. “You’re not supposed to cancel things just because people don’t attend,” said WNBA execs.

9. First lady Michelle Obama said on Wednesday she has no intention to run for president. “Good call,” said this lady:
HIllary

10. According to a new study, Denmark is the happiest place in the world. “Eeyore is really dragging us down,” said Disneyland.

11. Re-testing of hundreds of athletes’ samples collected at the London 2012 and Beijing 2008 Games is underway as the International Olympic Committee bids to root out cheats ahead of Rio 2016. Begging the question, are you just keeping old urine laying around?

12. A new study has determined that heavier women get paid less than skinnier women. The study was conducted by seeing how much money Kirstie Alley made on “Cheers” and then on every project after.

13. An insurance company in Atlanta has made it mandatory for all its employees to carry a gun. “So, I’ll ask you again, do you want additional life insurance?”

14. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau on Friday joked that he is not expecting an influx of unhappy Americans across the border if Republican Donald Trump becomes president. Mainly because most Americans can’t locate Canada on a map.

15. Reporter Michelle Fields filed a criminal complaint on Friday against Republican presidential election front-runner Donald Trump’s campaign manager, saying he grabbed her arm at a rally with such force that he left bruises. So it’s possible Donald Trump doesn’t have a bad spray tan, but, instead, is just covered in one gigantic indian burn.

16. A group that wanted to draft House Speaker Paul Ryan as a Republican presidential candidate is shutting down, a day after Ryan’s political operation sent the organization a cease-and-desist letter demanding it halt its campaign. Begging the question, can Ryan’s political operation send one of those letters to Donald Trump?

17. According to a new study, many parents don’t remember if their children were tested for hearing loss at birth. Although, if, in a few years, your kid likes “One Direction,” you’ll know they weren’t.

18. An Egyptian court on Saturday sentenced a prominent Facebook user to three years in prison with hard labor after he asserted on television that many married women in the conservative country were unfaithful. Which may seem harsh until you remember that he was described as ‘a prominent Facebook user.’

19. According to a new study, woman who make the first move in online dating tend to be rewarded. Especially if that first move is swiping left.

20. Last week, the chihuahua that played Reese Witherspoon’s canine companion in “Legally Blonde” died. Although, he was an actor, so maybe he’s just really good at playing dead.

July 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A surfing competition in South Africa was cancelled after a shark attacked one of the competitors. Begging the question, how can we get sharks to WNBA games?

2. On Tuesday, Ohio Governor John Kasich announced his candidacy for president, becoming the 16th Republican candidate in a already crowded field. Which means, in many historically red states, like Alabama and Mississippi, the Republican primary ballot will be the longest thing voters have ever read.

3. An anti-abortion group on Tuesday released a second video it said showed that Planned Parenthood sells aborted fetal tissue, repeating allegations raised last week when the first such video surfaced. Two videos? Man, you’d think Planned Parenthood would be much better at getting rid of things.

4. On Tuesday, running back Adrian Peterson and the Minnesota Vikings “mutually agreed” to restructure the final three years of his contract so that he can retire as a Viking. Peterson said he was happy the two sides were able to find common ground and that he didn’t have to resort to “taking off his belt.”

5. A Pennsylvania couple has launched RentTheChicken.com, a website that allows consumers to rent chickens in response to soaring U.S. egg prices. Because what could go wrong by renting chickens to cost-conscience, hungry people?

6. Some security workers and baggage handlers at New York’s JFK and LaGuardia airports plan to strike starting tonight. Leaving travelers with the impossible choice of enduring even longer lines and delays at those airports or going to Newark.

7. Billionaire investor Warren Buffett said on Tuesday that media reports that he and Italian real estate agent Alessandro Proto together purchased the island of St Thomas are “a total fabrication.” Saying, “I don’t need that asshole to by an island. I’m Warren fucking Buffett!”

8. The U.S. math team last week won the International Math Olympiad for the first time in 21 years. Which can only mean one thing, it was the first time in 21 years the U.S. math team sat next to the Chinese math team.

9. Speaking in front of hundreds at a rally in South Carolina on Tuesday, presidential candidate Donald Trump gave out Senator Lindsey Graham’s private cell phone number. Graham knew something was amiss when he started getting pictures of dicks he didn’t recognize.

10. Speaking in front of hundreds at a rally in South Carolina on Tuesday, presidential candidate Donald Trump gave out Senator Lindsey Graham’s private cell phone number. Which means Graham has learned the lesson all 20-something-year-old woman in New York already know, never give your number to Trump.

March 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Spanish-language television network Univision fired contributor Rodner Figueroa after he likened first lady Michelle Obama to a cast member of the film “Planet of the Apes.” And, in unrelated news, President Obama is reportedly reconsidering his immigration policy.

2. According to a new study, getting on the scale every day may boost enthusiasm for healthy behaviors and lead to greater weight loss. Or, more likely, you throwing out your scale.

3. Akron police are looking for an unidentified man who has defecated on the hoods of at least 19 vehicles. Authorities believe the number could be hirer but it is impossible for Toyota Carolla owners to tell the difference between their car and a piece of shit.

4. Professional basketball player Iman Shumpert is angry, alleging the TV show “Empire” ripped him off by basing a character on him. While Dennis Rodman says “Downton Abbey” is basically his life story.

5. It was announced yesterday that actress Kerry Washington will play the part of Anita Hill in an upcoming HBO film. “I’m available to run lines,” said Clarence Thomas.

6. On Thursday, Disney announced that the eighth installment in the “Star Wars” sci-fi film series will be released on May 26, 2017. Said Star Wars fans, “I haven’t been this excited about a date since I took my cousin to prom.”

7. An Alabama agency has closed an investigation into whether Harper Lee, the 88-year-old author of “To Kill a Mockingbird,” was manipulated into the publication of a second novel after she made it clear that she wanted it in print. Although, the majority of the investigation was explaining to the people of Alabama what a book is.

8. According to health experts, a world free of tobacco and its devastating health consequences could be a reality within 30 years. Although, I think those health experts are drastically underestimating the lifespan of Keith Richards.

9. A federal jury on Thursday awarded $76,000 to seven fans who sued the National Football League over a seating fiasco at the 2011 SuperBowl. Said the NFL, “Does anyone have change for $100 billion?”

10. A condolence letter from President Lyndon B. Johnson to the widow of slain civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. was sold for $60,000 at auction on Thursday. While the condolence letter to the widow of James Earl Ray sold for considerably less.

11. After hearing testimony from a valet that he saw former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez carrying a gun, testimony from a ballistics expert that bullets found in Hernandez’s rental car matched those used to kill Odin Lloyd and testimony from a police officer that Hernandez’s DNA was found at the crime scene, yesterday, the judge instructed the jury to disregard testimony from a gun expert. Said the judge, “Much like what the defendant is being accused of, at this point, this testimony is overkill.”

12. Two men, one armed with a gun, were caught on camera late Tuesday morning mugging a South African journalist in Johannesburg as he prepared for a live TV report. But they’re pretty shitty criminals, because I’ve seen the video, which means they didn’t steal the cameras.

13. O.J. Simpson is reportedly worried that he’ll die in prison. Said O.J., “Everyone deserves the dignity of dying in their own home next to the waiter or waitress they’re boning.”

14. Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak said he remains committed to the search for the missing MH370 jetliner a year after it vanished without a trace. “Trust us, don’t continue to go down the path of a lost plane when everyone already knows it will just end in disappointment,” said the writers of “Lost.”

15. Last week, the TSA found a chihuahua in a passenger’s checked luggage at New York’s LaGuardia Airport. Authorities were relieved upon opening the suitcase to find the dog was still alive and not, as they initially thought, a normal-sized New York City rat.

16. A 25-year-old American man was rescued by the U.S. Coast Guard after he tried to walk from Detroit to Canada across a frozen lake. The man is known as idiot Jesus.

October 22, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The woman who voted next to President Obama on Monday said she was “embarrassed” after her fiancé jokingly told Barack not to touch his girlfriend. Said the President, “I’ll tell you the same thing I told Jay-Z, ‘No deal.’”

2. Master investor Warren Buffett lost $2 billion in two days this week. Meanwhile, I found a five dollar bill in the pocket of my jeans and it made my week.

3. On Tuesday, the Dallas Cowboys cut Michael Sam, the first openly gay professional football player, from its practice squad. “If you still have you’re Cowboy uniform, we’re taking applications,” said the Village People.

4. Personal genetics companies 23andMe and MyHeritage said on Tuesday they would collaborate to enable people to discover their heritage based on genetic ancestry and documented history. Spoiler alert, you owned slaves.

5. On Tuesday, North Korea unexpectedly freed American Jeffrey Fowle from prison. Which is great news, but if it means Dennis Rodman gets another fifteen minutes of attention, I’m not sure it was worth it.

6. The U.S. ratcheted up its safe-guards against Ebola on Tuesday, requiring travelers from the three African countries at the center of the outbreak to fly into one of five major airports conducting enhanced screenings for the virus. Said the travelers who were forced to fly into LaGuardia, “Which plane takes us back to Africa?”

7. Director Darren Aronofsky will be honored by the Humane Society for using computer-generated images instead of animals in this year’s biblical flood epic “Noah.” The Society said it was the humane thing to do to use digital animals and spare real animals the embarrassment of being in that turd of a movie.

8. In a recent interview, actor Matthew McConaughey said he doesn’t think the Washington Redskins should change their name. Although that sentence probably should have ended after the word “think.”

9. According to a new survey, Americans took the least amount of vacation time in almost a decade last year. Although it’s hard to take a vacation when you don’t have a job.

10. Costumes, gowns and jewelry worn by Madonna will be auctioned off in Beverly Hills next month. Said Lady Gaga, “This will make ripping her off that much easier.”

February 7, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, President Obama described his relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin as “pragmatic” and respectful.” I haven’t seen that kind of warmth since the last time a divorced guy described his ex-wife in front of their children.

2. Last night marked the end of a 22-year run for Jay Leno as the host of “The Tonight Show.” When asked what’s next, Leno said, “I plan on doing a lot of stand-up. Between myself and Mavis, I still have two mouths and four chins to feed.”

3. On Thursday, NBC canceled “The Michael J. Fox” show. According to friends, Fox is “really shaken up” about it.

4. On Thursday, Vice President Joe Biden compared New York’s LaGuardia Airport to a third-world country. “Did you hear that? We’ve been upgraded,” said Queens.

5. The United Nations demanded that the Vatican “immediately remove” all clergy who are known or suspected child abusers. And, in related news, the Catholic Church no longer exists.

6. According to new research, kids don’t need math skills to glance at two groups of black dots and say which group has more dots, but practicing that task might boost their math scores. “I guess that means I’m good at math,” said George Zimmerman.

7. Russian punk band Pussy Riot joined Madonna, Lauryn Hill and Imagine Dragons at an all-star concert for Amnesty International last night. Said former president and global activist Bill Clinton, “You had me at ‘pussy riot.’”

8. On Wednesday, singer Clay Aiken announced he will run for the Democratic nomination for Congress in North Carolina’s second district. While Ruben Studdard announced he won’t be running, period

9. Yesterday, ABC News reported that in anticipation of the Winter Games, Olympic officials have hired a company to “catch and dispose” of the stray dogs that roam around the city of Sochi. “You mean if I had hung on a little longer, I could have won a gold medal?” said Michael Vick.

10. The Tennessee judge who ordered a baby’s name changed from Messiah to Martin, saying the former was reserved for Jesus, has been fired. So good luck to former judge Hitler von Terriblename.

11. Because of a record amount of snow, New York City is running out of the salt used to melt snow and ice on city streets and sidewalks. “You know that’s not what I was talking about when I said the city needed to cut back on its use of salt, right?,” said ex-Mayor Michael Bloomberg.