Tag Archives: President Lincoln

March 9, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Alec Baldwin and President Trump threw insults at each other on Twitter after Mr. Baldwin described portraying Mr. Trump on “Saturday Night Live” as “agony.” Man, I’ve seen less contentious actor-president relationships between Lincoln and Booth.

2. Sunday night’s Oscar, marked the first ceremony in many years without Harvey Weinstein. And no one was more grateful for that than the potted plants in the lobby of the Kodak Theater.

3. Law experts are saying some of the language in adult film star Stormy Daniel’s nondisclosure agreement suggests that she may have lurid photos that were taken during her sexual encounters with Donald Trump. Said one person who has reportedly seen the photos, “DEAR GOD, I’VE GONE BLIND!”

4. According to ‘the New York Times,’ following news that China’s President Xi Jinping is now president for life, President Trump jokingly told donors, “maybe we’ll give that a shot someday.” “I’m happy you like the idea of a life sentence,” said Robert Mueller.

5. A man was arrested and charged with grand theft larceny after allegedly stealing Frances McDormand’s Oscars trophy after the Academy Awards on Sunday night. And, if stealing an Oscar is consider grand theft, Adrian Brody better lawyer up:

6. A woman was arrested on Tuesday after she attempted to open an aircraft door during a flight from San Francisco to Boise, Idaho. But, to be fair, if you found out you were headed for Boise, you’d want out ASAP too.

7. During a news conference on Tuesday, President Trump promised his proposed tariffs on steel and aluminum will be applied in a “very loving way.” Which can only mean one thing, Trump will not ask for the tariff’s consent beforehand.

8. On Tuesday, former pornstar and alleged presidential mistress Stormy Daniels sued Donald Trump. That story again, a blond airhead with large tits and a penchant for suing people is being sued by Stormy Daniels.

9. President Trump refuted recent reports on Tuesday, saying there is no chaos in the White House. And in related news, Melania is now jealous of chaos.

10. In response to a Republican bill to name a state highway after President Trump, a Democratic state senator has proposed a bill to name an offramp after Stormy Daniels. And what better way to honor Trump’s legacy than to use Stormy Daniels to get off.

11. The White House announced this week that President Donald Trump has agreed to meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un by May. That story again, maybe don’t make any plans for after May.

12. 70-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he has agreed to star in a sixth Terminator film. His catchline in the movie will be “Oy, my back.”

13. Sunday night, the Winston Churchill biopic “The Darkest Hour” won the Academy Award for best makeup. So good luck to whoever had to break the news to this losing nominee:

14. Over the weekend at the NFL Scouting Combine, Central Florida’s one-handed linebacker Shaquem Griffin did twenty reps on the bench press at 225 pounds with a prosthetic hand. And, in unrelated news, I’m pretty sure I pulled a hamstring getting off the couch this morning.

15. Over the weekend, “The Emoji Movie” swept the Razzies Awards, taking home the worst picture, screen combo, director and screenplay awards. Which is weird, because I don’t remember Johnny Depp being in that.

16. Russian President Vladimir Putin told Washington to send him hard evidence that his citizens meddled in U.S. elections. May I present Exhibit A:

17. President Donald Trump’s Chief of Staff John Kelly on Friday conceded the White House could have better handled a scandal involving senior aide Rob Porter. Said Kelly, “But other than that, I think we’re nailing it.”

18. Two phone companies say they plan to put a high-speed cellular network on the moon. So fingers crossed this means they’re sending the “can you hear me now” guy to the fucking moon.

July 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Hillary Clinton’s new memoir on the 2016 presidential race will be released in September. Or, if you just can’t wait until then, you can read it on Wikileaks in August.

2. President Trump lashed out on Twitter on Thursday against the ‘Fake News’ for not reporting that Russian spies had information on his campaign too. Um, I’m pretty sure they did report on that:

3. A Minnesota choir teacher is being charged with having a sexual relationship with a student and sending partially naked photos of herself to him. School officials became suspicious when the boy when from an alto to a baritone in a week.

4. On Thursday, the Trump administration warned of potential repercussions for Alaska after its Senator Lisa Murkowski voted against the Republican backed healthcare bill. Said Alaska, “There’s nothing you can do to us that will hurt worse than what we’ve already done to ourselves”:

5. According to reports, Russian intelligence agents created dozens of phony Facebook accounts in an effort to spy on Emmanuel Macron during the French presidential election. That story again, the Russian intelligence agency is composed entirely of jilted ex-girlfriends.

6. Singer Justin Bieber hit a paparazzo with his truck in Beverly Hills Wednesday night. Oh no, is the truck alright?

7. On Wednesday, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci compared President Trump’s bid to repeal Obamacare to President Lincoln abolishing slavery. And, in Scaramucci’s defense, both involve trying to sweep the work of black men under the rug.

8. An upcoming episode of PBS’s ‘Finding Your Roots’ uncovers that comedian Larry David is related to politician Bernie Sanders. The exhaustive research to make that discovery involved looking at them.

9. Late Tuesday night, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci accused chief of staff Reince Priebus of leaking Scaramucci’s public financial disclosure forms to the press. Said Scaramucci, “I know it was you Reince, you broke my heart”:

10. Police pulled over a man in upstate New York who was driving a car with no windshield, no doors and an axe stuck in the roof. Begging the question, it is too early to start putting ‘Kid Rock for Senate 2020’ bumperstickers on cars?

11. Actress Olivia Wilde felt so bad that Jennifer Lawrence vomited from the graphic imagery presented in her theater-version of ‘1984’ that she sent the Oscar winner soup. If that’s the case, then Mickey Rourke’s face owes me a ton of soup.

12. A 44-year-old man in China was recently hospitalized with severe kidney problems after eating fifty-four scoops of ice cream in one sitting. That story again, two down and just fifty-two to go:

13. According to reports, for the first time ever American scientists have successfully edited the DNA of a human embryo. Well, for the first time ever on purpose:

14. According to reports, ‘High Times’ magazine is considering going public with an IPO. Those interested will be able to buy either a quarter, an eighth or a half-eighth of the company.

15. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has overtaken Bill Gates to become the richest person in the world, worth over $90 billion. “We’ll see about that,’ said Gates setting up a bunch of phony email addresses to get free trials of Amazon Prime.

16. This week, Patriot head coach Bill Belichick said there are “no limits” on tight-end Rob Gronkowski. Of course, other than anything that involves books.

17. According to Politico, President Trump and Attorney General Jeff Sessions are not longer on speaking terms. “But that implies they once were and, follow-up question, what was that like?” asked Eric Trump.

18. South Korean President Moon Jae-in on Wednesday welcomed a rescue dog to his official Blue House residence. It’s the first time a dog has come to the residence since the previous night when they ordered delivery food.

19. A swimming pool in Australia has put up signs targeted at migrants telling them not to grope women or enter the female changing room. “But that just applies to migrants, right?” said Trump backstage at a beauty pageant.

20. A rugby player in Australia, who forgot he had a three-week-old child after suffering a vicious tackle, is suing the opposing team for $1.4 million. And, in related news, President Trump is willing to pay $1.4 million for someone to recreate that hit on him:

21. Officials at a zoo in Tokyo are eliciting suggestions online for names for a newly born panda cub. Or, they could just cut out the middleman, and name it Panda McPandaface.

22. Authorities in Alabama arrested a man after he brought his daughter to a drug deal. Said the man, “I learned two valuable lessons today. Don’t bring a child to a drug deal. And my daughter has a street value of three and a half pounds of cocaine.”

23. A mom was arrested at a Queens casino for leaving her 10-year-old daughter inside their parked car for an hour and a half while she gambled. Although, in her defense, the last time she brought a kid into the casino, she lost her son on the river.

24. Ivanka Trump shared some photos of her daughter’s recent sixth birthday party, including an image of marshmallows on hot dogs. Alright, now she really is a fucking monster.

25. A six-week online program, taught in Russian, teaches students how to steal credit card data and hack PayPal accounts. Said recent graduate Donald Trump Jr., “Actually the course is mostly about adoptions.”