May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

August 3, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. At a rally this week, President Trump falsely claimed that photo ID is required to buy groceries in the U.S. Which means cashiers and Nancy O’Dell frequently tell Trump the same thing, “Sir, please put that away, I don’t need to see that.”

2. Jeremy Hunt the new British foreign secretary, made a diplomatic gaffe on Monday, calling his Chinese-born wife Japanese during talks with his counterpart in Beijing. Said Hunt, “Look, all I know is that she can’t drive worth a shit.”

3. According to ‘People’ magazine, Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra are engaged. So now you won’t know if a tabloid is calling Nick and Priyanka by their celebrity couple name or running a story about Jeremy Piven when they say there was a ‘Prick” sighting.

4. The former head of human resources at the FEMA, Corey Coleman, has been accused of trading sex for jobs at the agency. “So, that job is open now?” asked Harvey Weinstein.

5. Staff at the Eiffel Tower walked out on strike on Wednesday. Begging the question, how do you know an Eiffel Tower employee is ignoring your request for help because he is on strike or just bring French?

6. Bowing to pressure from China, American Airlines, Delta Air Lines and United Airlines removed references to Taiwan from maps on their websites. Not to be outdone, Malaysian Airlines did away with using maps altogether years ago.

7. Tomasz Stanko, a Polish trumpeter and prominent figure in avant-garde jazz for decades, died on Sunday at the age of 76. Thus bringing about the most welcomed moment of silence in history.

8. President Trump said on Monday he would be willing to meet Iran’s leader without preconditions, saying, “If they want to meet, we’ll meet.” “That gives me an idea,” said Robert Mueller putting on a hijab:

9. According to multiple sources, during discussions about renewable energy, President Trump more than once declared “I hate the wind.” While Eric is not a big fan of fire:

10. In a recent interview, long-time ‘Jeopardy’ host Alex Trebek hinted that he may soon retire and suggested Dan Coates as a possible replacement. Begging he question, Who is Dan Coates.

11. Scientists recently observed a mourning orca mom carrying her dead baby for days through the ocean. “She didn’t have a car trunk?” asked Casey Anthony.

12. In an upcoming episode of “Finding Your Roots,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan learns that he is “slightly Jewish.” And, speaking as a Jew, my feelings when I found Ryan was also Jewish can be summed up in one meme:

13. President Donald Trump on Friday denied knowing about the 2016 meeting his son Donald Trump Jr. held at Trump Tower with a group of Russians. Look, I know Trump lies a lot, but him not giving a single fuck about what Don Jr. is up to seems very believable.

14. According to a new study, women are more sexually adventurous when they are trying to conceive a child. For instance, when Baron was conceived Melania agreed to have sex with Donald.

15. A mens clothing startup is set to launch an app the recommends clothing based on a guy’s Spotify playlist. Here’s what it recommends for the Coldplay listener:

16. Yane Petkov reclaimed on Tuesday the Guinness world record for swimming with his hands and feet tied while fully wrapped inside a sack. It’s cool that he set a record, but next time maybe he should just pay his bookie.

17. Over the weekend, President Donald Trump’s re-election campaign addressed rumors that it is paying Chinese manufacturers to produce campaign flags. Said the campaign staff, “Yes were are using Chinese manufacturers but, as is the Trump way, we don’t plan on paying them.”

18. According to sources, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump are planning on staying in Washington D.C. for as long as President Trump does. So, Monday thru Thursday?:

October 6, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, presidential hopeful Donald Trump jokingly sent a case of Trump Ice Natural Spring Water to rival Marco Rubio with the note “Since you’re always sweating, we thought you could use some water. Enjoy.” And, as a final insult, they put the water bottles just out of Rubio’s reach.

2. Disneyland has upped the price of its most expensive yearly passes to $1,049 from $779. Disney execs said they increased the price to make up for the expected loses now that their most loyal customer, Jared Fogle, is in jail.

3. According to a new study, Singapore is the country with the smartest high-school-aged kids in the world. Not to be outdone, American high-school students just learned that Singapore is a country.

4. Physician-assisted suicide will become legal in California under a bill signed into law by Governor Jerry Brown on Monday. “I’m back, baby!” said Dr. Conrad Murray.

5. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton on Monday said removing Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is a top priority. Wait, she wants to be president of that country, too!?!

6. A hunter in Montana claims he fended off a grizzly bear by shoving his arm into its throat to induce a gag reflex that frightened it away. Said the hunter, “But, if you encounter a bear without a gag reflex, marry it.”

7. In a recent interview, Kim Kardashian said pregnancy is the ‘worst experience’ of her life. Which is saying something coming from someone who has to try to carry on a coherent conversation with Kanye West on a daily basis.

8. On Monday, singer Nick Jonas denied ever wearing a diaper onstage while performing. “Don’t knock it till you try it” said the Rolling Stones.

9. In a recent interview, Donald Trump said it was important to be unpredictable. And, true to his word, he then complimented Carly Fiorina.

10. Pope Francis on Sunday reaffirmed the Catholic Church’s opposition to gay marriage. Adding, “But Ryan Gossling is making it really fucking difficult.”