May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

March 1, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, the NFL said the so-called Gronkowski cruise, in which Patriots tight-end Rob Gronkowski made a paid appearance on a four-day cruise Norwegian Cruise, is not being investigated by the league. Although, the cruise is being investigated by the Center for Disease Control.

2. Yesterday, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas asked a question during a case for the first time in over 10 years. Unfortunately, it was “Did anyone call dibs on Scalia’s robe?”

3. According to a new study, women in many U.S. states are given misleading information in state-issued brochures when they seek abortions. Specifically, the brochure entitled “So You’re Going to Hell.”

4. During Sunday night’s Academy Awards, host Chris Rock invited members of his daughters’ Girl Scout troop into the Dolby Theater mid-show to sell boxes of cookies to the seated stars. “Of course it’s the year I’m not nominated,” said a visibly upset Jonah Hill.

5. According to national ratings data, 34.3 million Americans watched the 2016 Oscars ceremony on Sunday, the smallest TV audience in eight years. But part of that’s because they counted Jada Pinkett Smith as three people.

6. After being nominated four times, Leonardo DiCaprio finally won an Oscar on Sunday, taking home the best actor statuette for his role in “The Revenant.” So finally things are looking up for this guy:
dicaprio

7. According to a new study, people with a history of fainting spells or blackouts may be more likely to get into car crashes than the typical driver. The study was conducted by following Billy Joel around for a week.

8. In a new book called “Dear Pope Francis,” the Pope answers 31 drawings and questions posed by children from around the world. Although, to be fair, most of the kids’ drawings where just police outlines about where the priests had touched them.

9. According to a new study, women may experience small benefits from a drug approved last year to treat low sexual desire, but are at a high risk of experiencing unpleasant side effects. Although, on the plus side, now when you say “Not tonight honey, I have a headache,” you may actually be telling the truth.

10. Businessman Tokyo Sexwale withdrew from the FIFA presidential race minutes before last Friday’s vote. Which makes sense, because anytime I attempt a tokyo sexwale, I always make sure to end it by pulling out.

January 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. The number of tourists visiting New York City rose to a record high in 2015, with nearly 60 million people making the trip. To give you an idea of how many people that is, if those 60 million tourists got in a line and joined hands, you would definitely be caught walking behind them on the sidewalk.

2. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush misspoke this week at a campaign rally and called President Obama’s daughter Malala instead of Malia. But that wasn’t even the worst verbal flub, at the beginning of the rally he was introduced as “the next president of the United States, Jeb Bush.”

3. According to a new study, by 2050, the world’s oceans will contain more trash than fish. So, I guess, Long John Silvers was just ahead of its time.

4. Fast-food chain White Castle announced that they will be accepting dinner reservations for Valentine’s Day this year. Unsurprisingly, they are only accepting reservations for one.

5. Yesterday, the Miami Marlins announced that they will be moving the centerfield wall in their ballpark in by 11 feet. The move will allow for more empty seats.

6. This week, Senator Lindsey graham called Donald Trump the most unelectable Republican candidate he’s seen in his lifetime. “Oh, how soon we forget,” said Herman Cain.

7. Elena Pavel, a Romanian female professional soccer player claims that at referee asked her out on a date in the middle of a match. In response, Pavel said, just like in soccer, “I will never use my hands be on those balls.”

8. Forced to choose, Rand Paul said Donald Trump potentially becoming the Republican presidential nominee is more worrisome than Ted Cruz. Or, according to Ted Cruz, “Rand Paul endorsed me.”

9. “American Pie” singer Don McLean was arrested on domestic violence charges on Monday. So now McLean finally has a second hit.

10. An inquiry led by senior British judge Robert Owen found that President Vladimir Putin approved a 2006 operation to murder an ex-KGB agent with radioactive polonium. And, in future news, an inquiry found that President Vladimir Putin approved a plan to murder senior British judge Robert Owen.

11. Will Smith on Thursday joined director Spike Lee and his wife Jada Pinkett-Smith in not attending the 2016 Oscar ceremony in protest over the absence of nominated actors of color. And, as an extra fuck you to the movie industry, Smith also announced that he is making a “Wild Wild West 2.”

12. On Friday, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina said that Hillary Clinton has avoided prosecution so many times that she’s “more qualified for the Big House” than the White House. In response, Hillary turned her toothbrush into a shive and stabbed Fiorina.

13. A British sex toy company has constructed a private booth in New York’s Times Square for men to masturbate in. Which explains why there was no phone in that phone booth and the floor was so sticky.

14. Former Maryland governor and current Democratic presidential candidate Martin O’Malley is under investigation for buying furniture from the state executive mansion at sharply discounted prices when he left office. Talking about this potential scandal, political experts said, “Who is Martin O’Malley?”

15. In response to Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz usage of the phrase “New York values” as an insult, last Friday’s edition of the New York Daily News featured a picture of the Statue of Liberty giving Cruz the finger. Which, coincidentally is the same image Donald Trump wants all immigrants to see when they pull into New York harbor.

16. Donald Trump pitched himself Monday to Christian students at Liberty University as a politically incorrect protector of Christianity. Trump then stopped at Yeshiva University and labeled himself a mensch who is a little meshuggeneh.

17. According to a new study, when mothers eat three sizeable servings of fish each week during pregnancy it can benefit children’s brains for years to come. “Goldfish crackers count, right?” said Snooki’s mom.

18. Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, who helped Hollywood star Sean Penn conduct an interview with drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, has been called to give testimony about the kingpin. When asked for comment, del Castillo could not be found and neither could any of her friends or family.

August 4, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo, who served as the best man at his friend’s wedding, bought the couple a Greek island as a wedding present. Said one of the groomsmen, “You’re gonna need to toaster on that island.”

2. A new study has found that children who are picky eaters may develop psychological problems, like anxiety and ADHD, later in life. Or maybe you’re just a shitty cook.

3. UFC champion Ronda Rousey will star in a movie based on her autobiography. “A movie about beating up girls, I hope it’s in 3D,” said Chris Brown.

4. Tomorrow, a one-legged chicken in Massachusetts will be fitted with a $2,500 prosthetic limb made by a 3D printer. “Hold On! Slow down. Where are these chicken printers?” said Chris Christie.

5. Actor Will Smith took to social media on Monday to shoot down reports that he and his wife Jada Pinkett Smith are getting a divorce. Said Smith, “If our marriage can survivor ‘After Earth,’ it can survive anything.”

6. On Monday, a government official in India said the country has blocked access to hundreds of adult websites to prevent pornography from becoming a social nuisance. That story again, India no longer has the internet.

7. HitchBOT, a hitch-hiking robot that had already successfully hitched across Europe, was unable to complete his trip across the U.S. when, just two weeks into the journey, he was vandalized and left for ‘dead’ in Philadelphia. Said the city of brotherly love, “We have a reputation to keep up.”

8. Officials at an Italian airport seized $205,933 from rapper Snoop Dogg because he failed to declare the sum of money. Said Snoop, “The plan worked perfectly, they didn’t even notice the five pounds of weed in my other duffel bag.”

9. According to a new study, senior citizens who value and engage in sexual activity have better social lives and psychological well-beings. Which may explain why that slut Betty White is still so sharp.

10. A pre-Civil War baseball card fetched $179,250 at auction on Friday. Said the winner’s the mom, “Oh, this looks like garbage.”