December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

December 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Trump administration has told agencies within the Department of Health and Human Services to avoid using certain words or phrases in official documents, including ‘diversity,’ ‘transgender’ and ‘science-based.’ But Trump more than anyone should know ignoring something and not calling it by name won’t make it go away:eric trump1

2. An extensive review of research on exercise, nutritional supplements, drugs and brain-training techniques concludes there is no definitive evidence that any of them protect against dementia. Also, twelve Diet Cokes a day isn’t helping either.

3. The new Donald Trump robot was unveiled this week at Disney’s Hall of Presidents, with robotic George Washington introducing him. Washington’s exact words are, “Get a load of this asshole.”

4. Roy Moore, who has still not conceded his loss in the Alabama Senate race, is asking supporters for $75,000 to investigate “voter fraud.” Seems like someone should tell Roy that it’s not voter fraud, black people are allowed to vote.

5. Singer Lady Gaga announced on Wednesday that she will stage a nightly show at the MGM hotel in Las Vegas for the next two years. “Word of advice,” said fellow Las Vegas resident Roy, “leave your meat suit at home”: roy gaga

6. A couple in Tennessee recently gave birth to a baby girl from an embryo that was frozen twenty-four years ago. That means that newborn baby is also somehow 24-years-old and thus legal, or, as it’s otherwise known, Roy Moore’s perfect woman.

7. The White House announced that President Trump will undergo a physical examination early next year and the results will be released to the public. “I can’t wait to see that,” said everyone but the doctor.

8. A California couple was arrested on Tuesday for trying to sell their own kids for drugs. “That’s ambitious,” said President Trump: white house

9. According to a newly released poll, Hillary Clinton’s favorability rating has hit a new low of 36%. Man, at this rate, she’s never gonna win the 2016 presidential election.

10. A federal judge ruled on Monday that President Trump’s administration must allow access to abortion for two pregnant teenagers who are in the country illegally. Or, as the Trump administration spun it, good news, there will be two less illegal immigrants in this country.

11. Cincinnati Bengals rookie running back Joe Mixon bought $200,000 worth of jewelry before he was drafted. Because, if you’re a Bengal and want a ring, you’re gonna have to buy it.

12. On Tuesday, ‘Variety’ reported that Nick Cannon will write and direct a movie about women’s basketball entitled “She Ball” co-starring Chris Brown. Said the studio exec who green-lit the movie, “I’m trying to get fired.”

13. On Tuesday, ‘Variety’ reported that Nick Cannon will write and direct a movie about women’s basketball entitled “She Ball” co-starring Chris Brown. Great news for anyone who loved ‘Juwanna Mann’ but always wished it was somehow worse.

14. The new Donald Trump robot was unveiled this week at Disney’s Hall of Presidents. Unfortunately the robot keeps trying to get the women who work at Epcot’s Russia pavilion to go on ‘Splash Mountain’ with him.

15. On Wednesday, Catt Sadler, co-host of two shows on E!, left the company after twelve years after she learned that E! was paying her half as much as her male co-host. Congratulations to Sadler who now earns the same amount of money as a male host, unfortunately that male host is Billy Bush.

16. This week, Major League Soccer announced that a new expansion team has been awarded to the city of Nashville. So, if you were looking for a reason to visit Nashville, keep looking.

17. People are suggesting that the logo for the 2018 World Chess Championship resembles two people having sex. Begging the question, if you know what sex looks like, what are you doing at a chess championship?

18. In a cabinet meeting on Wednesday, Vice President Mike Pence praised Donald Trump every 12.5 seconds for three minutes straight. Pence would have kept going, but Trump had already climaxed by then.

October 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Historians in France have discovered what they believe is a nude sketch of the Mona Lisa. Even crazier, they also found a sex tape:

2. Arthur Janov, a psychotherapist known for developing primal scream therapy, has died at the age of 93. So good luck getting a moment of silence at that funeral.

3. On Tuesday, director Brett Ratner tapped actor Jared Leto to play Hugh Hefner in an upcoming biopic of the ‘Playboy’ founder. So if Hugh hadn’t died last week, this probably would have done it.

4. Comedian Nick Cannon refused to apologize Wednesday night after using offensive words during a performance at a Catholic university. The objectionable language included the f-word, the n-word and the phrase “coming to the stage next, Nick Cannon.”

5. According to reports, at a maximum-security prison in Alaska, inmates were stripped naked in front of female guards and walked around on a dog leash. “Alright, maybe I will like prison,” said Anthony Weiner.

6. According to reports, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson wanted to resign back in July, but Vice President Mike Pence convinced him to stay by giving him a pep talk. A pep talk that Pence has gotten very good at after having to deliver it daily to Melania.

7. Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi said Friday that O.J. Simpson is not welcome to relocate to Florida once he’s released from prison. So my advice to Simpson is to not move to Florida and my advice to Bondi is to not forget her glasses at a restaurant.

8. President Donald Trump reportedly called Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones four times asking him not to have the team kneel during the national anthem before their last game. Which makes this picture so much funnier:

9. In a recent poll, where respondents were asked to give a one word description of President Trump, the ten most common responses were “incompetent,” “arrogant,” “strong, “idiot,” “egotistical,” “ignorant,” “great,” “racist,” “ass” and “narcissistic.” “Man, what’s a guy got to do to get the word ‘dotard’ trending,” said Kim Jong Un.

10. Country music superstar Garth Brooks announced this week that he is writing an autobiography that will span five books. And, from the look of Brooks, I’m guessing two of the books are a recipe for rice pudding:

11. British tennis player Dan Evans has been banned from competitive play for a year after testing positive for cocaine. Authorities became suspicious after he altered his side of the court just a bit:

12. On Wednesday, the Nobel Prize in Chemistry was awarded to three scientists for their discoveries in cryoelectron microscopy. Coming in a close second was President Trump with his discovery that Puerto Rico is an island, surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.

13. After being released from prison, O.J. Simpson said “nothing has changed” in his life during the nine years he spent behind bars. “You’d be surprised,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

14. In a recent interview, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he hasn’t decided if he will run for re-election in 2018. Or, I assume, skip the election and just declare himself the winner.

15. United Airlines just launched the shortest domestic flight that is only sixteen minutes long. But, in the inflight movie is ‘The Emoji Movie,’ so it feels much longer.

16. Fast-food chain Sonic said on Wednesday a malware attack at some of its drive-in stores may have left customers vulnerable to identity theft. Which is weird because I’ve never seen anyone eating at a Sonic and thought “man, that guy has his life together, I’d love to be him.”

17. Fast-food chain Sonic said on Wednesday a malware attack at some of its drive-in stores may have allowed hackers to access customer’s credit card information. I’m usually not in favor of identity theft, but some guys have it coming:

18. All five former living U.S. presidents will take part in a benefit concert for hurricane relief later this month. All of them agreed to participate due to their deep-seated desire to help Americans in need, except for Clinton, he just wants to meet Rihanna.

19. Last week, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk predicted one day soon rockets will be able to fly people from New York to Shanghai in just 39 minutes. “Dammit, I resigned too soon,” said Tom Price.

20. A North Carolina man was arrested and charged with trying to hide marijuana in the bushes outside a courthouse before a probation hearing. “Yeah, I could have told you that’s not a good hiding spot,” said one man:

February 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Playboy said its 2015 decision to stop publishing photos of naked women “was a mistake” and will reintroduce nudity in its next issue. Said the Playboy CEO, “Turns out you assholes were all lying about reading the articles.”

2. A refugee team that competed at the 2016 Rio Olympics was named on Monday as winner of a Laureus Award for sporting inspiration. Although, if you’re inspired by a team of athletes who are no longer welcomed to return home, may I suggest the Atlanta Falcons.

3. Scientists have observed dolphins in Australia using blowfish to get high. Although, technically, that’s Hootie:

hootie

4. Yesterday, Nick Cannon announced that he is leaving NBC’s “America’s Got Talent.” Thus marking the last time you’ll ever hear the words ‘Nick Cannon’ and ‘talent’ in the same sentence.

5. The Islamabad High Court in Pakistan’s capital issued an order Monday that banned Valentine’s Day across the country. Now comes the hard part for the panel of three males judges, figuring out when Valentine’s Day is.

6. Just in time for Valentine’s Day, a new app allows you to hear your significant other’s heartbeat under your pillow. That story again, just buy her some flowers instead, you fucking weirdo.

7. In a recent interview, President Trump said he’s pretty sure Barack Obama likes him. Since Trump is so obsessed with voter fraud, he may want to get a recount of that vote too.

8. Frank Ancona, the imperial wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, was found dead on Saturday. These type of things tend to happen in threes, so watch out Jeff Sessions and Steven Bannon.

9. Illinois lawmakers are encouraging the state to be undead-ready by passing a resolution declaring October to be “Zombie Preparedness Month.” And it’s no coincident that November will be “Find New Lawmakers Month.”

10. The oldest living person in America, Adele Dunlap of New Jersey, died on Sunday at the age of 114. She’s in a much better place now, mainly not New Jersey.

January 4, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pop star Janet Jackson gave birth on Tuesday to her first child, a boy, at the age of 50. The newborn has his mother’s eyes, his father’s smile and, it’s a good bet, at least one of Michael’s noses.
 
2. According to new data, a toddler has now shot a person every week in America for two years straight. The scariest part about that statistic is that it proves that Donald Trump’s tiny little hands can operate a gun.
 
3. According to new data, a toddler has now shot a person every week in America for two years straight. As a result, President-elect Donald Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of all hospital labor units until we can figure out what is going on.

4. Bill and Hillary Clinton will reportedly attend the inauguration of Donald Trump later this month. So that should be a long, quiet car ride home.

5. Bill and Hillary Clinton will reportedly attend the inauguration of Donald Trump later this month. Hillary is going to take part in the Million Women March and Bill is going because he heard there will be a million women there. 

6. According to reports, Bill and Hillary Clinton will have near front row seats for the swearing in of President-elect Donald Trump. They would have had front row seats, but Trump already gave those to Paula Jones and Juanita Broderick.

7. McDonald’s has opened a franchise just steps away from the gleaming white marble dome of St. Peter’s Basilica. It’s the only place in the world where the fryers may be run by actual friars.

8. Over the weekend, a McDonald’s restaurant opened in Vatican City. Not surprisingly, everything is made out of the McRib.

9. The North American movie box office raked in $11.4 billion in 2016, making it the highest-earning year in history. So now, it’s only a matter of time until Donald Trump takes credit for that too.

10. Grammy Award-winning singer Mariah Carey shrugged off a botched New Year’s Eve show in New York’s Times Square, telling fans and critics on Sunday that life does not always go as planned. Which I believe were also her wedding vows when she married Nick Cannon.

June 7, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, website Buzzfeed pulled out of an advertising deal with the Republican National Committee over objections to the party’s presumptive nominee Donald Trump. Although, if you think about it, Buzzfeed’s list of the 23 best places to live outside of the U.S. is really an ad for Trump anyway.

2. On Monday, two-time NBA MVP Stephen Curry of the Golden State Warriors announced that he will skip this summer’s Olympics in Rio. Curry said the idea of skipping a big athletic competition hadn’t occurred to him until he saw the Cavs play in the NBA Finals.

3. Bill Clinton’s half-brother Roger Clinton was arrested Sunday night in California and charged with driving under the influence. “This wasn’t why we had those ‘Clinton Arrested!’ banners printed up months ago,” said Fox News.

4. New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio on Monday announced a citywide advertising campaign supporting a person’s right to use the bathroom corresponding with his or her gender identity. Which is weird because, from the smell of the city, I always just assumed people were already free to pee wherever they wanted.

5. According to a new poll, a large majority of American voters say doctor-prescribed medical marijuana use should be legal in the U.S. The researchers were able to get such a positive response because they counted “What was the question again?” as a yes.

6. On Monday night, Hillary Clinton garnered enough delegates to earn the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination. Said Bernie Sanders, “So you’re telling me there’s still a chance.”

7. Verizon’s “Can you hear me now” guy is appearing in ads for Sprint. Meanwhile, the “Dude, you’re getting a Dell” guy wants to know if you’d like fries with that.

8. This week, a jewelry shop in India was robbed by a monkey who stole $140 from the cash register. Said the exasperated manager to his worst employee, “See, I told you even a monkey could work the register.”

9. Donald Trump received a credit reserved for those making less than $500,000 on his latest New York City tax bill, something the campaign insists was an error by the city for the second quarter in a row. “Well someone’s made a big error here, either NYC or me,” said Melania.

10. Nick Cannon has challenged Eminem to a $100,000 rap battle. So, I’m beginning to think Mariah Carey was the sane one in that relationship.

September 4, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that he will return as the head of Bloomberg LP, the data and financial company he founded. “Ah fuck,” said the guy who stocks the Bloomberg office soda machine.

2. Private equity firm KKR said on Wednesday that it is investing $90 million in Savant Systems, a company that helps control lighting, temperature and TVs in some of the world’s wealthiest homes. Said Savant Systems, “We’re happy about the investment and even happier that the last letter was an ‘R.’”

3. A new study suggests, pilots and flight attendants may be at an increased risk of developing skin cancer. So maybe that’s what happened to Malaysian Air flight 370.

4. Tests conducted in 2011 and 2013 show that the flu vaccine effectively prevents flu infections in pregnant women, whether or not they are infected with HIV. Although, if you’re a pregnant mother infected with HIV and concerned about the flu vaccine affecting your unborn baby, you may need to reassess your priorities.

5. Mixed martial arts fighter Jonathan “War Machine” Koppenhaver made his initial appearance in court on Wednesday to face 32 charges, including attempted murder. Said friends, “That doesn’t sound like the War Machine that I know.”

6. Mixed martial arts fighter Jonathan “War Machine” Koppenhaver made his initial appearance in court on Wednesday to face 32 charges, including attempted murder. Only “attempted” murder, guess that’s why he never made it in the NFL.

7. For the third consecutive year, Colombian actress Sofia Vergara is the highest paid actress on U.S. television, with estimated earnings of $36 million. Or, more accurately, $18 million a piece.

8. According to police, an Idaho State University professor with a concealed-carry gun permit shot himself in the foot with a handgun that accidentally discharged from inside his pocket in a chemistry classroom full of students. But, on the plus-side, it’s good to see Plaxico found work after the NFL.

9. Scholastic announced that Nick Cannon is set to release a book of children’s poems next March. Or, as his wife Mariah Carey refers to them, poems.

10. A woman in Austin, Texas is calling herself a real-life tiger after covering 90% of her body in tattoos of tiger stripes. When asked why she stopped at 90%, the woman replied, “Well, I didn’t want to look crazy.”

Monologue Jokes – July 9, 2013

1. Last week, 4,500 bottles of vodka were stolen from a Miami area customs warehouse. Police have narrowed the suspects down to everyone in Miami.

2. A new study suggests people who spend a lot of time reading, writing and otherwise seeking and processing new information lose their thinking and memory skills more slowly as they age. “Joke’s one you scientists, you can’t lose what you never had,” said former President George W. Bush.

3. According to a new review of prior studies, dieters who drink more water have greater weight loss. Oh yeah? Then why are whales so fat?

4. Last week, an anonymous buyer snapped up a lock of Mick Jagger’s hair for $6,000 at auction. Seems like an overbid considering in just a few months you’ll be able to slip the morgue attendant a twenty and a grab whatever you want.

5. On Saturday, Pope Francis said it pained him to see priests driving flashy cars, and told them to pick something more “humble.” Then the Pope blessed the audience, got in his $500,000 Popemobile and was driven away.

6. Rock star and New Jersey native Jon Bon Jovi made an appearance Monday to announce his $1 million contribution to New Jersey’s Sandy Relief Fund. Which just adds credence to my theory that Sandy was God’s way of punishing New Jersey for giving the world Bon Jovi.

7. Singer Lauryn Hill reported to federal prison on Monday to begin a three-month sentence for failing to pay federal income taxes. While there, Hill will be reunited with her former Fugees bandmate Pras, who is currently working as a prison guard.

8. Last week, the U.S. government approved a second horse slaughter plant in Iowa, thus preventing actress Hillary Swank from ever stepping foot in Iowa.

9. After an accident during a video shoot, singer Mariah Carey was taken to a hospital Sunday night where doctors reset her shoulder and ordered her to bedrest, preventing her from leaving her home. Our prayers are with Nick Cannon during this trying time.

10. According to a new report, Mexico has overtaken the U.S. as the fattest country in the world. So no need for a wall, just build a Krispy Kreme on the Mexican side of the border.