Tag Archives: Lebanon

June 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last year, tourists threw $2 million worth of coins in Rome’s Trevi Fountain. As a result, it now insists on being called Trevor Fountain III.

2. A Lebanese calligrapher has completed a two-year project to hand write a copy of the Koran, Islam’s holy book. Meanwhile, I’m in year three of trying to get through “Eat, Pray, Love.”

3. A nuclear power plant in the Czech Republic used a bikini contest to hire interns. “Come on, at least we have a talent portion, too,” said Fox News.

4. A nuclear power plant in the Czech Republic used a bikini contest to hire interns. The winner was able to both separate an atom and stimulate an Adam.

5. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ a framed edition of ‘Time Magazine’ with President Trump on the cover that hangs in many of his golf clubs is actually a fake. Which makes me wonder if he was really named People’s Sexiest Man of 2005:

6. Taco Bell is offering a $600 wedding package at its Las Vegas location. The theme of every wedding there will be ‘Bad Decisions.’

7. According to a new survey, an overwhelming majority of people in other countries have no confidence in President Trump’s ability to lead. And a majority in this country as well:

8. A New York man was charged with disorderly conduct after using the free WiFi at a Pennsylvania McDonald’s to watch porn on his tablet. Said the man, “That special sauce isn’t gonna make itself.”

9. A New Zealand duo set a world record for the longest throw and catch of an unbroken egg at over 265 feet. But, as a precaution, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men were onsite just in case.

10. According to a new study, listening to Justin Bieber music while eating can make your food taste bad. Although, if you’re eating at a Guy Fieri restaurant it’s kinda hard to determine what caused what.

May 31, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Former-teacher Mary Kay Letourneau and former-student-turned-husband Vili Fualaau have filed for divorce after 12 years of marriage. Fualaau shouldn’t be surprised, he, better than anyone, should know that Letourneau begins to lose interest once something turns twelve.

2. After recent revelations about his contacts with Russia, Jared Kushner is being pressured to take a leave of absence from the White House. Of course, the easiest way to convince someone to take a leave of absence from the White House is to get them to marry Donald Trump.

3. On Tuesday, the owner of Pennsylvania’s Three Mile Island nuclear power plant, the site of a 1979 partial meltdown, said he plans to close the facility sometime in the next twenty-four months. And, to illustrate his point, he held up twenty-four fingers.

4. After a recent UFC fight in Sweden, the winning MMA fighter proposed to his girlfriend inside the octagon. The two then embraced in the middle of the fighting ring, or, as Chris Brown refers to it, a second date.

5. On Tuesday, White House communications director Michael Dubke resigned. “Wait, you can do that?” asked Sean Spicer.

6. The Lebanese ministry is calling for a boycott of the upcoming ‘Wonder Woman’ film because lead actress Gal Gadot is Israeli. So who wants to break the bad news to Lebanon about the rest of Hollywood?

7. According to reports, President Trump has traded in his old Android smartphone for a new iPhone. Or, as Melania calls it, foreshadowing.

8. Pornography website PornHub is celebrating its ten year anniversary by asking users to submit videos with the title “What I Learned from PornHub.” I can only speak for myself, but I learned that having a strong father figure in your life is very important.

9. A biologist in Cuba has discovered that snakes hunt in packs. So, if you hear a lot of rattling, it’s either a group of rattlesnakes or a Mariachi band, either way, you should run.

10. According to a new study, a round of golf is equivalent to a week’s worth of exercise. Yet another thing that apparently Donald Trump is doing wrong:

January 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A German meals-on-wheels charity apologized this week after serving three senior citizens dog food that was incorrectly labeled as venison. But, on the plus-side, Nana’s coat has never looked so shiny.

2. The Oregon farmers who occupied the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge on January 2nd have asked supporters to send supplies like food and water, but instead have received gag gifts like sex toys, glitter and nail polish. “Oh, those were gag gifts,” said one disappointed farmer.

3. On Wednesday, the New York Times reported that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz failed to disclose a loan from Goldman Sachs for $500,000 that helped finance his successful 2012 U.S. Senate campaign. It’s a bad sign for you’re presidential campaign when you’re hiding financial information and an even worse sign when you’re the bad guy in a story about Goldman Sachs.

4. A new study found that women in the United States are waiting longer than ever to have babies, with the average age for first childbirth rising to a record high of 26.3 years. “Does no one want to be a star?” said the producers of MTV’s “Teen Mom.”

5. A Pennsylvania man who traveled to Arizona to have sex with a horse before being nabbed by undercover police was sentenced on Thursday to 18 months probation. “Only 18-months probation!?! That definitely wasn’t worth it,” said the undercover cop who was the back part of the horse costume.

6. A new, 122-foot dinosaur skeleton to be unveiled on Friday at New York’s American Museum of Natural History is too big to fit in the fossil hall. Said the skeleton, “I bet you say that to all the dinosaur fossils.”

7. During last night’s Republican presidential debate, when referencing Canadian-born Ted Cruz’s ability to be president, Donald Trump said there’s a big question mark on Cruz’s head. Because, apparently Trump doesn’t understand irony or own a mirror.

8. During last night’s Republican presidential debate, John Kasich said he was sure that Democrat Bernie Sanders would not be president. In what has to be the best example ever of the phrase, “It takes one, to know one.”

9. Tuesday night, Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, attended the State of the Union speech in Washington D.C. Said gay couples in Kentucky, “Quick, now’s our chance.”

10. Ahead of its season premiere on HBO, “Sesame Street” announced some changes to the long-running kids show, including Elmo moving into a Brooklyn-style brownstone and Oscar moving to a recycling bin. Said Oscar, “Elmo gets a brownstone and I get a fucking recycling bin? Yeah, I’m definitely voting for Bernie Sanders.”

11. Walt Disney’s new theme park in Shanghai is slated to open on June 16th. On that day, Chinese kids will start enjoying the theme park as opposed to building it.

12. It was announced this week that Barnum & Bailey will stop using elephants in their shows starting this May. “You know they whip us,” said the lions.

13. The world famous Playboy Mansion is for sale. It’s perfect for anyone who knows how to get the smell of old people and gonorrhea out of a rug.

14. On Friday, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney voiced his support for current candidate Ted Cruz by tweeting “@tedcruz is a ‘natural born citizen.’” Because no one knows what a natural citizen looks like more than a robot from Utah.

15. Last week, the federal government unveiled its new list of nutritional guidelines which recommend that people eat more vegetables, fruits and whole grain. Thus combining two things that Americans love, eating healthy food and reading.

16. Pizza Hut has come out with a new apparel line called Hut Swag featuring shirts and hats covered in pictures of pepperoni pizzas. Although, by the look of most Pizza Hut customers, they can get pepperoni pizza on their shirts all by themselves.

17. A group of Lebanese students have designed a ‘smart suitcase’ that follows its owner. “Yes, but can it throw itself at my assistant?” said Naomi Campbell.

18. On January 1st, Pfizer raised prices for more than 100 of its drugs. “Which ones?” said very nervous, panicky middle-aged men.

19. A judge in Columbus wrote a poem to let a prisoner suing an Ohio penitentiary for “emotional distress” know that his lawsuit was being denied and read it in court. As a result, all those in attendance are now suing the judge for emotional distress.

20. Demand for the first edition of Hitler’s “Mein Kampf” to be printed in Germany since his death have surprised the publisher with orders received for almost four times the print run. Said the publisher, “Oh, this was a terrible idea.”

January 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. As a result of the U.S. government issuing new rules and easing restrictions, Americans are now allowed to travel to Cuba. Said Americans, “It’s not the ‘to’ part of the trip we’re concerned about.”

2. It has been reported that members of the Green Bay Packers have a weekly team board game night. One of the games they play is Monopoly, but, since they’re NFL players, it always ends with everyone in jail.

3. An Instagram photo of Miss Lebanon poising with other Miss Universe contestants, including Miss Israel, is causing an uproar in Lebanon. They’re gonna be really pissed when they find out the Miss Israel’s talent is drawing pictures of Mohammad.

4. On Saturday, FOX confirmed that the network is interested in reviving the 1990s hit sci-fi tv series “The X-Files.” Apparently the first mystery to be solved will be what the hell happened to Gillian Anderson.

5. President Obama hosted the cast and crew of the Martin Luther King biopic “Selma” for a private screening at the White House on Friday night. And, at least according to the Academy Awards nominations, it was the first and only time the movie has been seen in a white house.

6. “American Sniper, won the weekend box office, taking in over $90 million. Because what better way to celebrate MLK weekend than seeing a movie about a sniper.

7. Pope Francis said on Sunday, men should listen to women’s ideas more. Unless, of course, that idea is that women should be allowed to be priests.

8. According to a new survey, 33 percent of people dislike their neighbors. So, if you’re one of the few people who actually likes the family next door, just know, statistically, they probably hate you guts.

9. New research shows, school-based art therapy could help troubled kids get back on track. Yeah, it did wonders for a young Hitler.

10. The head coach of the Arroyo Valley high school girls basketball team was suspended for two games last week after running up the score and beating an opponent 161-2. Even worse, they were playing the Knicks.

October 9, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Monday night, actor Tom Hanks revealed that he has been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. Which isn’t all bad news because now Hanks can play roles intended for black guys, too.

2. Doctors say Hanks got diabetes from constantly gaining and losing weight for different movie roles. “But it’s only dangerous if you gain AND lose the weight, right?” said Steven Seagal.

3. According to E! News reports, Bruce and Kris Jenner have separated after 22 years of marriage. If that’s what Bruce Jenner looked like while he was married, can you even imagine what single and on the prowl Bruce is gonna look like?

4. According to E! News reports, Bruce and Kris Jenner have separated after 22 years of marriage. E! went on to report that Bruce will get custody of the couple’s kids, while Kris will get custody of those kids’ future sex tapes.

5. On Tuesday, a local newspaper reported that the 9-year-old boy who passed through security at Minneapolis International Airport and caught a flight to Las Vegas without a ticket had previously gained entry to a waterpark without a ticket and stolen a car. Whereupon he was named King of Detroit.

6. Yesterday Peter Higgs and Francois Englert won the Nobel Prize for physics for predicting the existence of the “God” particle. Said the two physicists, “So many people to thank. Our wives, our families, our colleagues. I can’t help but feel like we’re forgetting someone … Oh, yeah, props to the big guy upstairs in charge of all this, Science.”

7. On Tuesday, a month after her record-setting swim from Cuba to Florida, Diana Nyad embarked on a 48-hour charity swim in a makeshift pool in New York City. Luckily for Nyad she won’t have to deal with jellyfish on this swim, as all the homeless people peeing into the pool have seen to that.

8. Lebanon has banned the screening of a film about homosexuality set to be shown at the Beirut International Film Festival last week. Just more bad news for “the Lone Ranger.”

9. On Sunday, authorities said that a 9-year-old boy passed through security at the Minneapolis International Airport and flew a Delta plane to Las Vegas without a boarding pass. In an unrelated story, Delta Airlines has become the official airline of the Catholic Church.

10. According to E! News reports, Bruce and Kris Jenner have separated after 22 years of marriage. So be on the lookout for the upcoming spin-off series, “Keeping up with the Kardashian’s Alimony Payments.”

October 8, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. California’s Democratic governor vetoed a bill on Monday that would have allowed immigrants who are not citizens to serve on juries. I don’t want to tell anyone how to do their job, but I thought the point was to make not being a citizen less attractive, right?

2. In a wide-ranging interview published by New York magazine, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said he believes the devil exists and is a real person. Between this and his interpretation of the Constitution, it is now painfully obvious that Scalia will believe word-for-word anything he reads.

3. Yesterday, the Nielsen Company announced it will start tracking how many tweets a TV show gets. So congratulations to the most-loved and well-received show of 2013, “Sharknado.”

4. In a recent interview, singer Chris Brown said he lost his virginity at the age of 8. So I guess we have Brown’s uncle to blame for the monster he’s become.

5. Three scientists won the Nobel medicine prize on Monday for explaining how cells transfer vital information such as hormones and brain chemicals to other cells. The primary method for information transfers between cells, Miriam the cell gossip.

6. According to a new study, almost one in ten U.S. teens admits to having coerced or forced someone into sexual behavior. Begging the question, whatever happened to getting someone drunk so you could take advantage of them?

7. Lebanon has banned the screening of a film about homosexuality set to be shown at the Beirut International Film Festival last week. My advice to the people of Lebanon, you might want to avoid looking behind all candelabras.

8. On Friday, some investors mistook the nearly worthless stock of long-dead electronics retailer Tweeter for the upcoming, much publicized Twitter IPO, sending shares of Tweeter up more than 1,000 percent. Yet my shares of Twatter remain worthless.

9. Over the weekend, a female streaker interrupted the President’s Cup, which pits a team of top international golfers against the U.S.’s best. I guess Tiger forgot to lock his hotel room from the outside that morning.

10. Yesterday, the German Olympic team unveiled the rainbow uniforms they intend to wear at the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics, a subtle protest against Russia’s anti-gay laws. So congratulation Russia, your harsh laws have made Germany the voice-of-reason.