May 31, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Former-teacher Mary Kay Letourneau and former-student-turned-husband Vili Fualaau have filed for divorce after 12 years of marriage. Fualaau shouldn’t be surprised, he, better than anyone, should know that Letourneau begins to lose interest once something turns twelve.

2. After recent revelations about his contacts with Russia, Jared Kushner is being pressured to take a leave of absence from the White House. Of course, the easiest way to convince someone to take a leave of absence from the White House is to get them to marry Donald Trump.

3. On Tuesday, the owner of Pennsylvania’s Three Mile Island nuclear power plant, the site of a 1979 partial meltdown, said he plans to close the facility sometime in the next twenty-four months. And, to illustrate his point, he held up twenty-four fingers.

4. After a recent UFC fight in Sweden, the winning MMA fighter proposed to his girlfriend inside the octagon. The two then embraced in the middle of the fighting ring, or, as Chris Brown refers to it, a second date.

5. On Tuesday, White House communications director Michael Dubke resigned. “Wait, you can do that?” asked Sean Spicer.

6. The Lebanese ministry is calling for a boycott of the upcoming ‘Wonder Woman’ film because lead actress Gal Gadot is Israeli. So who wants to break the bad news to Lebanon about the rest of Hollywood?

7. According to reports, President Trump has traded in his old Android smartphone for a new iPhone. Or, as Melania calls it, foreshadowing.

8. Pornography website PornHub is celebrating its ten year anniversary by asking users to submit videos with the title “What I Learned from PornHub.” I can only speak for myself, but I learned that having a strong father figure in your life is very important.

9. A biologist in Cuba has discovered that snakes hunt in packs. So, if you hear a lot of rattling, it’s either a group of rattlesnakes or a Mariachi band, either way, you should run.

10. According to a new study, a round of golf is equivalent to a week’s worth of exercise. Yet another thing that apparently Donald Trump is doing wrong:

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