January 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. As a result of the U.S. government issuing new rules and easing restrictions, Americans are now allowed to travel to Cuba. Said Americans, “It’s not the ‘to’ part of the trip we’re concerned about.”

2. It has been reported that members of the Green Bay Packers have a weekly team board game night. One of the games they play is Monopoly, but, since they’re NFL players, it always ends with everyone in jail.

3. An Instagram photo of Miss Lebanon poising with other Miss Universe contestants, including Miss Israel, is causing an uproar in Lebanon. They’re gonna be really pissed when they find out the Miss Israel’s talent is drawing pictures of Mohammad.

4. On Saturday, FOX confirmed that the network is interested in reviving the 1990s hit sci-fi tv series “The X-Files.” Apparently the first mystery to be solved will be what the hell happened to Gillian Anderson.

5. President Obama hosted the cast and crew of the Martin Luther King biopic “Selma” for a private screening at the White House on Friday night. And, at least according to the Academy Awards nominations, it was the first and only time the movie has been seen in a white house.

6. “American Sniper, won the weekend box office, taking in over $90 million. Because what better way to celebrate MLK weekend than seeing a movie about a sniper.

7. Pope Francis said on Sunday, men should listen to women’s ideas more. Unless, of course, that idea is that women should be allowed to be priests.

8. According to a new survey, 33 percent of people dislike their neighbors. So, if you’re one of the few people who actually likes the family next door, just know, statistically, they probably hate you guts.

9. New research shows, school-based art therapy could help troubled kids get back on track. Yeah, it did wonders for a young Hitler.

10. The head coach of the Arroyo Valley high school girls basketball team was suspended for two games last week after running up the score and beating an opponent 161-2. Even worse, they were playing the Knicks.

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