January 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new study shows, families with under-immunized or unvaccinated children tend to cluster together. Yeah, it’s called a hospital.

2. The NFL is investigating whether the New England Patriots used deflated balls in their rain-soaked blowout victory over the Colts on Sunday. Said the Patriots, “It was cold and rainy, ever heard of shrinkage.”

3. According to a new study, the most accurate predictions of which movies the U.S. Library of Congress will deem “culturally, historically or aesthetically significant” are not the views of the critics or fans but a simple algorithm applied to a database. “So you’re telling me there’s a chance,” said Gigli.

4. On Monday, the Pope said Catholics should not feel they have to breed “like rabbits” because of the church’s ban on contraception. “Not cool, dude,” said the Easter Bunny.

5. Tony Verna, the inventor of instant replay, died yesterday at the age of 81. “Thanks for nothing,” said Dez Bryant.

6. On Monday, Pope Francis told reporters that in addition to his previously announced planned stop in Philadelphia, he will also visit New York and Washington on his upcoming trip to the U.S. Said the Pope, “I heard the Knicks and the Redskins needed a miracle.”

7. Amazon said on Monday it was aiming to produce close to twelve movies a year for theatrical release which would then be available on its Prime video service within two months. Twelve movies a year or, as it is known in Hollywood, a slow year for Samuel L. Jackson.

8. President Obama has invited a handful of average Americans who wrote him letters about their lives to his annual State of the Union address in D.C. tonight. Said Barack, “That’ll teach ‘em to write me letters.”

9. North Korea has sent a representative to a travel fair in Switzerland to attract visitors to the isolated country. Or, as it is more commonly known, kidnapping.

10. Pope Francis said on Sunday men should listen to women’s ideas more. Which is easy to say since most nuns take vows of silence.

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