10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. A woman in China has been arrested after she cut off her husband’s penis, followed him to the hospital and then cut it off a second time after it was reattached by doctors. Said the husband, “A little late on the arrest there, guys.”

2. Yesterday, nominations for the 87th Academy Awards were announced and all the actors nominated in the four acting categories were white. Even worse, it was announced that Benedict Cumberbatch is receiving a lifetime achievement trophy at this year’s BET Awards.

3. A 47-year-old Australian man dressed as a Star Wars storm trooper was attacked by a deadly snake that tried and failed to bite through his costume. Even better news, technically, now he’s had his first kiss.

4. “Transformers: Age of Extinction” led all movies with seven Razzie Award nominations, including worst picture, screenplay and director. “Transformers” was able to nabbed so many nominations because “the Wedding Ringer” isn’t eligible until next year.

5. According to reports, Mitt Romney is purportedly putting his 2012 election team back together. Said his former campaign manager, “I’m so happy I didn’t throw out these binders full of women.”

6. The New York Jets’ announcement that it had hired former Arizona Cardinals defensive coordinator Todd Bowles as its next head coach was met with a less than enthusiastic response yesterday. Yet no one was more disappointed in the news than Todd Bowles.

7. At a recent Knicks game, a fan kissed a total stranger after her boyfriend refused to participate in the Kiss Cam. That’s crazy, there were three people at a Knicks game?

8. It was announced yesterday that Woody Allen will write and direct an online series for Amazon. So now you won’t know if Allen is nervously stuttering or if your computer is buffering.

9. Actor Leonardo DiCaprio and singer Rihanna were seen getting cozy at a recent Hollywood party. Which is exciting, but I have some concerns about their celebrity couple name, Ritardo.

10. On Sunday, while baptizing 33 infants in the Sistine Chapel, Pope Francis told the mothers to feel free to breastfeed if their babies cried or were hungry. Which was a nice sentiment, but I think throwing prayer beads at the ones who did was a little tacky.

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