January 19, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. It is rumored that Donald Trump’s transition team is paying seat fillers to attend his inauguration. Or, as Trump refers to them, “Tiffany.”

2. During an interview on FoxNews yesterday, President-elect said he doesn’t want celebrities at his inauguration. “Well, then do I have the band for you!” said the manager of 3 Doors Down.

3. It is being reported that President-elect Donald Trump will be sworn in on his childhood bible on Friday. It’s the bible the President-elect used when he was seven in 1953 and, much like the hand Trump will place on it, it hasn’t changed much since.

4. It is expected to rain in Washington D.C. on Friday during President-elect Donald Trump’s inauguration. But that’s still over 24 hours away and there’s a good chance the rain, like many others who agreed to show up, will eventually back out.

5. President-elect Donald Trump’s childhood home in New York is up for sale. It is a historic site where a future president for the first time, but definitely not the last, wet his bed.

6. The driver of a Tesla car was reportedly left stranded in the desert near Las Vegas on Saturday when his car’s control app failed. The driver said the hardest part about being stranded in the desert was that there was no one around he could brag to about owning a Tesla.

7. According to a new study, France is the least trusted country in the world. So, guess you’ll just have to work harder next year, fake Nigerian princes.

8. On Wednesday, Nikki Haley, President-elect Donald Trump’s nominee for ambassador to the United Nations, said the United States cannot trust Russia and must see “positive actions” by Russia before easing U.S. sanctions. That story again, Trump is looking for a new ambassador to the United Nations.

9. Monday night, President-elect Donald Trump tried to tweet at his daughter Ivanka Trump, but tweeted at a digital consultant in Britain named Ivanka Majic by accident. Even worse, this was the tweet:
mlk-tweet

10. British scientists have created a complicated knot at the molecular level that is 192 atoms long that could be used to make materials like Kevlar even stronger. Of course, everyone knows the strongest knot known to mankind is the knot your earphones make while in your pocket.

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