Tag Archives: Keith Urban

July 29, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Supporters of former Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez on Monday unveiled a font for typing that mimics the late socialist leader’s handwriting. The way the font works is no matter what you type in, it always comes out as “Death to America.”

2. Supporters of former President Hugo Chavez on Monday unveiled a font for typing that mimics the late socialist leader’s handwriting. Big deal, we got something like over here for former President George W. Bush, it’s called wingdings.

3. A street performer dressed as Spiderman in New York City’s Times Square was arrested after punching a police officer who scolded him for demanding more money from a couple he had posed with for a picture. Those who saw the incident said it was still better than the plot of the last Spiderman movie.

4. Russian scientists have lost contact with an experimental satellite filled with gecko lizards that was to be the focus of new research on animal sex in zero-gravity. But, on the plus side, the astronauts aboard the international space station just saved 15% on their car insurance.

5. Forty-six people were treated for mostly alcohol-related medical problems at a Keith Urban concert in Boston on Saturday night. That story again, it was a normal night in Boston.

6. Yesterday, a judge ruled in favor of Shelly Sterling, saying Donald Sterling’s estranged wife has the right to sell the Los Angeles Clippers to Steve Ballmer. But, on the bright side, after owning the Clippers for 33 years, I’m sure Donald Sterling is used to losing around courts by now.

7. Yesterday, the two biggest names in online house hunting, Zillow and Trulia, joined forces in a stock deal valued at $3.5 billion. Which may seem like a lot, but, keep in mind, it comes fully-furnished.

8. According to a new study, people who run in their spare time, even if it’s not very fast or very far, tend to have a lower risk of dying from heart disease. “Finally, some good news,” said Oscar Pistorius.

9. According to a new national survey, if the 2012 presidential election were held today, Mitt Romney would top President Obama by 9% in the popular vote. As a result, Karl Rove took to FoxNews to declare that the 2012 race is not over.

10. A California woman who spooked her small community by anonymously leaving porcelain dolls on the doorsteps of fellow churchgoers that eerily resembled their daughters told police she is embarrassed by the incidents. But not as embarrassed as the daughter who lived at the house where the Garbage Pail Kid doll was dropped off.

June 24, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Friday, pop superstar Katy Perry said she would write Hillary Clinton’s campaign theme song if she decides to run for president in 2016. “I Kissed a Girl, I Kissed a Girl,” whispered a hopeful Bill Clinton.

2. On Monday, first Lady Michelle Obama said she will not go into politics after leaving the White House. Although, you have to admit, it would have been great to see another Obama ruin Hillary’s plans.

3. On Monday, the World Health Organization said it has found evidence of the polio virus in sewage samples collected from Sao Paulo, Brazil, near one the World Cup soccer sites. And wouldn’t it be the ultimate irony to travel all the way to Brazil to watch a sport where the athletes are only allowed to use their legs, just to contract polio.

4. An official in eastern China has been fired after a picture of him being given a piggyback across a flooded path during a search for a missing child went viral online. The official was let go due to public outrage not because the picture made him look entitled, but because the search was for a missing girl.

5. Jill Duggar, the 23-year-old daughter of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, the stars of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting,” got married on Saturday. Jill said she waited until she was 23 to get married because that was when she finally met a boy she wasn’t related to.

6. Yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden called himself “the poorest guy in Congress.” Said President Obama, “I don’t care, I’m not raising your allowance.”

7. On Monday, FOX announced that “American Idol” judges Jennifer Lopez, Keith Urban and Harry Connick Jr. will all return for the show’s upcoming 14th season. Which means in just two short years the show will be old enough to date JLo.

8. A group that sets the policy for organ transplants voted on Monday to adopt a permanent rule to allow some children access to adult lungs. So, smoke-up, kids.

9. On Friday, Florida Governor Rick Scott signed a law allowing citizens to brandish weapons and fire warning shots to ward off attackers. Or, as it is known in Florida, saying hello.

10. Pope Francis warned on Friday against the legalization of recreational drug use. Just so we’re clear Pope, if a couple of guys show up on my doorstep with some frankincense and myrrh, I should turn them away?

Monologue Jokes – September 4, 2013

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1. Monday was Labor day, which means you’re not supposed to wear white-colored clothing anymore. Although if you live anywhere near George Zimmerman, I think the fashionistas will forgive you.

2. On Tuesday, it was announced that actor Charlie Hunnam was cast in the coveted role of Christian Grey in the upcoming movie version of bestselling book “Fifty Shades of Grey.” And, just like that, there is a new sex symbol for horny, perverted aunts everywhere.

3. A new London-based start-up is offering single people colored wristbands as a way of notifying others that they are single, in the hopes of meeting a mate. We have something similar here in the states, they’re called sweatpants.

4. Apple has invited Chinese journalists to an event in Bejing that is scheduled to take place just hours after it is widely expected to unveil its newest iPhone models in the U.S. Well, yeah, those phones aren’t gonna make themselves.

5. The organizing committee for the 2018 Winter Games in South Korea’s Pyeonchang has turned down North Korea’s offer to co-host some of the Olympic skiing events. Although this whole back-and-forth seems rather academic considering, come 2018, South Korea will most likely be known as North Korea.

6. On Tuesday, Fox announced that singer Jennifer Lopez will be returning to “American Idol,” joining new judge Harry Connick Jr. and veteran judge Keith Urban. This comes as shocking news to Paula Abdul who thought she had been a judge all this time.

7. According to a new study about mortality released on Tuesday, most married men would prefer to die before their spouses. Adding, “How’s Tuesday for you?”

8. Yesterday, South Korea unveiled an experimental electric car that parks itself and folds in half, freeing up space on crowded city streets. But, to be fair, I’ve seen a lot of cars driven by Asians that end up folded in half.

9. The Starz T.V. network said on Tuesday, basketball superstar LeBron James will serve as an executive producer on a forth-coming television comedy series. But T.V. experts don’t expect the series to get good until Dwayne Wade comes aboard as a producer as well. It was also, reported that James’s teammate Chris Bosh will also get an executive producer credit, although everyone knows he doesn’t really deserve it.

10. According to a new study, female doctors earn an average of $56,000 less each year than male doctors. Begging the question, what happens if Chaz Bono goes to med school?

Monologue Jokes – August 2, 2013

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1. According to police, George Zimmerman was stopped this week for speeding in northern Texas. Apparently when the cop sidled up to the car and asked where the fire was, Zimmerman pointed behind him to the angry, torch-wielding mob that was chasing him.

2. According to police, George Zimmerman was stopped this week for speeding in northern Texas. The arresting officer is survived by his wife and three kids.

3. Pakistani television is screening what many call its most controversial content yet: a talk-show that gives away babies live on air. Even worse, they use a t-shirt cannon to do so.

4. Major League Baseball said, that by midday Friday, it will announce which players it’s penalizing for steroid use. Then, on Saturday, Major League Baseball will call the season due to lack of players.

5. Scientists say that by the year 2020 we will be using waterless toilets. Or, you can just go to India now.

6. Riley Cooper, a white receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles, was caught on camera using a racial slur. Word of advice Riley, maybe don’t piss off 85% of your co-workers, especially when your work involves being violently tackled by said co-workers.

7. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry told a crowd of Pakistanis on Tuesday, he hoped U.S. drone strikes in their nation would end “very, very soon.” Adding, “Now, if you would all be so kind as to stand very still.”

8. On Thursday, Russia’s sports minister said the country is instituting a ban on what it calls “gay propaganda” from next year’s Sochi Winter Olympics. To comply with the ban, the two-man bobsled will be renamed the two-man-platonic-friends-bobsled.

9. On Thursday, Russia’s sports minister said the country is instituting a ban on what it calls “gay propaganda” from next year’s Sochi Winter Olympics. So I think it will be safe to say Johnny Weir died doing what he loved.

10. One of the heaviest babies ever, weighing in at 13.47 pounds, was born in Germany last week. In response, Governor Chris Christie put out a press release swearing he hasn’t been in Germany any time during the last nine months.

11. It was announced on Thursday that country singer Keith Urban will be returning to “American Idol” as a judge next season. Last season was marred by chaos, but Urban seems unconcerned, saying “You have to remember, I’m married to post-surgery Nicole Kidman, so I’m used to looking at trainwrecks.”

Monologue Jokes – May 31, 2013

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1. Last night, Arvind Mahankali, a 13-year-old from New York won the Scripps National Spelling Bee. The trophy will look great next to all of Arvind’s sports participation medals.

2. An 8-year-old Maryland boy, who was suspended from school for nibbling a snack into the shape of a gun, has been given a junior membership in the NRA. Because nothing says responsible gun owner like an 8-year-old boy who plays with his food.

3. An 8-year-old Maryland boy, who was suspended from school for nibbling a snack into the shape of a gun, has been given a junior membership in the NRA. So I’d say get used to being suspended from school kid.

4. According to reports, internet sensation Grumpy Cat could soon have a Hollywood movie built around her. This comes as great news to the makers of “Ishtar.”

5. According to reports, internet sensation Grumpy Cat could soon have a Hollywood movie built around her. “It’s the part I was born to play,” said Andy Rooney. (I know he’s dead, but can you think of a better person for that punchline? Yeah I didn’t think so.)

6. The defense team for George Zimmerman says it needs at least $70,000 to give their client “a fighting chance.” That seems like a lot of money just to bail out your client after he perjures himself on the stand.

7. According to a new survey, certain older antidepressants are linked with a greater chance of having erectile dysfunction. As if you weren’t already depressed enough.

8. Singer Adam Levine released a statement professing his love of this country after saying that he hated America on a recent episode of “the Voice” as a result of the audience voting off two of his singers. Which is funny, because the only time I hate America is when I’m forced to listen to a Maroon 5 song.

9. Pop singer Mariah Carey and rapper Nicki Minaj will follow in Randy Jackson’s footsteps and leave “American Idol.” Said Keith Urban, the last remaining judge, “Oh, that’s what my voice sounds like.”

10. Rock band Bon Jovi has waived its fee for a concert in recession-hit Spain next month so that cash-strapped fans can afford tickets. Said Spanish fans, “Haven’t we suffered enough?”