January 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a Kentucky woman gave her probation officer a dog urine sample during a drug screening. Officials became suspicious when her tests came back positive for snausages.

2. During a rally on Friday, President Trump warned his supporters that his Democratic opponents would tear down crosses. Although I’m not sure uppercase T’s count as crosses: 

3. Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg on Tuesday said his campaign had unknowingly used prison workers to make telephone calls on his behalf. Although, I think they would have been more effective if they had been knocking on doors instead:

4. Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein underwent back surgery last week. Here’s hoping for a quick recovery … for the doctors who had to see him naked. 

5. President Trump on Friday blasted the magazine founded by the late Reverend Billy Graham after the publication called for him to be removed from office. Said Trump, “That magazine isn’t even worthy of being rolled up by a stripper to be spanked with.”

6. Russian President Vladimir Putin again invited President Trump to visit Moscow in the coming year. The prostitutes are already preparing for Donald’s arrival:

7. President Trump said on Tuesday he would be happy to have a trial in the Senate following his impeachment in the House, but that he did not really care. Trump has such little interest in the matter that he has nicknamed it ‘Tiffany.’

8. On Monday, doctors to Bernie Sanders said the presidential hopeful passed a stress test. That story again, apparently there are no visual components to stress tests:

9. A recent study found that a Google artificial intelligence system proved as good as expert radiologists at detecting which women had breast cancer. “Great, now all women can share my experience of what it’s liked to get felt up by a robot,” said Ann Romney.

10. Disney World employees who portray costumed characters have filed incident reports with police, claiming tourists inappropriately touched them. “When you’re a star, they just let you do it,” said one Donald to another.

11. According to reports, actress Lori Loughlin is reportedly practicing martial arts so she’ll be ready for prison. Or, more likely:

12. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison. Apparently now you can get sent to jail for making babies that shouldn’t exist, so better lawyer up Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.

13. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison on Monday for illegally practicing medicine. “Wait, you can legally practice medicine?” said this guy:

14. According to a new study, almost 1 in 18 women have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace. This study was conducted anywhere other than “The Today Show”:

15. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. So now you have something other than that tumor to worry about, next person in that scanner. 

16. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. The study concluded that you should never let give the night janitor keys to the MRI room.

May 18, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Meghan Markle’s father, Thomas Markle, will not attend his daughter’s wedding to Prince Harry ON Saturday. Harry’s mom will also not be attending, but she has a better excuse.

2. Monday was Facebook founder’s Mark Zuckerberg’s birthday. What do you get the guy who has everything, apparently your social security number.

3. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. So I stand corrected, a degree from Hunter College can be even more worthless than I previously thought.

4. Kentucky Fried Chicken locations in the U.K. will sell a commemorative chicken bucket in honor of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s upcoming wedding. So if you like greasy, fried chicken and you like elaborate, gaudy weddings, hi President Trump:

5. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “So, the gas is on the right?” asked Melania.

6. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. In what I can only assume is an elaborate prank to hear Vin Diesel try to pronounce ‘honorary degree.’

7. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “That brings me back,” said the woman driving away from prison as her car went over a speed-bump.

8. Over the weekend, boxer Floyd Mayweather won $100,000 by hitting the jackpot while playing video poker in Las Vegas. It’s the most amount of money Mayweather has ever won for the least amount of work since he fought Pacquiao.

9. Actress Salma Hayek, a vocal supporter of the MeToo movement, said on Sunday male actors should get paid less. “Wait, you guys are being paid for this?” said Keanu.

10. During his speech on Monday at the new US embassy in Israel, Jared Kushner praised President Trump for recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Next up for Trump, recognizing Tiffany:

11. According to newly released documents, an intermediary for a Russian oligarch and associates of President Trump coordinated responses to revelations of a Trump Tower meeting where Don Jr. expected to get “dirt” on Hillary Clinton. It’s just like in every movies, after something terrible happens, all the innocent people get together and say, “Okay, let’s get our stories straight.”

12. Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt said on Wednesday that he now has a legal fund in place to help him fight off a growing list of alleged ethical missteps. Added Pruitt in a hushed voice, “But don’t tell the IRS.”

13. This week, the White House announced the elimination of the position of cyber security coordinator. “So does that mean my job application was rejected?” asked Pladimir Vutin:

14. Politico has published an article profiling the members of Congress who play video games. Said those member of Congress, “Please don’t tell Ted Cruz”:

15. According to Senate testimony, President Trump’s former aide Steve Bannon sought to use personal information collected online to promote “a culture war.” Other places that cultures are doing battle, Bannon’s face:

16. According to a new study, people with schizophrenia who are treated early may do better than others. “You’re just saying that” ”No, I think it’s true” “Not a chance” said one guy.

17. This week, American Airlines announced that passengers will no longer be allowed to bring emotional support hedgehogs, goats, or spiders on board flights. While, Spirit Airlines has gone a different route:

18. On Thursday, a top court in Germany ruled that beer cannot be marketed as beneficial. “We beg to differ,” said ugly people.

19. NASA said on Friday it will send a small helicopter to Mars as part of a 2020 mission. NASA said the best way to send a helicopter to Mars is book a ticket on Southwest that supposed to land in Omaha.

20. According to a new study, married people may be more likely to spot deadly skin cancer sooner than their unmarried counterparts. So good news older single people who never found the love of their lives, you’ll be dead soon.

January 12, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, while baptizing 33 infants in the Sistine Chapel, Pope Francis told the mothers to feel free to breastfeed if their babies cried or were hungry. Which was a nice sentiment, but I think throwing prayer beads at the ones who did was a little tacky.

2. A Pennsylvania man was arrested after he masturbated on someone else’s balcony and then jumped out a second story window. Apparently, the man was misunderstood when the homeowner caught him on her veranda and yelled “Get off!”

3. Former New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan has agreed to become the new head coach of the Buffalo Bills. Said Ryan, “This is where buffalo wings are from, right?”

4. Two protestors were arrested at the Virginia home of former Vice President Dick Cheney on Saturday after 20 demonstrators walked onto his property to mark the 13th anniversary of the opening of Gitmo. Police called the protest a blatant case of trespassing while Cheney called it target practice.

5. Mitt Romney, the 2012 Republican presidential nominee, told a group of donors on Friday that he is considering another run for the White House in 2016. Jeb? Mitt? Rand? Is this the Republican ballot or the sound effects to the old Batman show?

6. Justice Department prosecutors have recommended bringing criminal charges against former CIA chief David Petraeus for improperly providing classified information to his biographer with whom he was having an affair. But it sounds like she already had the launch codes, if you catch my drift.

7. According to a new study, getting more exercise throughout life is tied to a reduced risk of abusing alcohol that requires treatment. Which explains why the gym in Billy Joel’s house is covered in dust.

8. On Saturday, singer Katy Perry announced that Lenny Kravitz will join her on stage for a guest appearance during this year’s SuperBowl halftime show. Leaving Katy Perry fans questioning who Lenny Kravitz is and New York Jets fans asking what a SuperBowl is.

9. An Indiana couple has been charged with child neglect after a cell phone video obtained by authorities showed the pair telling a one-year-old baby to put a gun in her mouth and make sounds like the weapon was firing. Bringing new meaning to the term “pacifier.”

10. For the first time in its history, famed jeweler Tiffany & Co. is featuring a gay couple in one of its ads. “Hint, hint,” said Bert.

December 24, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, a Dutch arbitration court ruled that Tiffany & Co. must pay Swatch Group $448.79 million in damages over their failed joint venture to produce and market watches. Tiffany’s backed out of the deal after learning the new line of timepieces would be called “Twatches.”

2. According to a new study, the children of women who regularly ate peanuts or tree nuts during pregnancy appear to be at lower risk for nut allergies than other kids. Which explains why Lindsay Lohan isn’t allergic to vodka.

3. The HPV vaccine, Gardasil, has been recalled due to glass shards in some of the vials. Although the vaccine is arguably more effective now because you’re not even concerned about contracting HPV after you’ve had sex with a girl how has a vagina full of glass.

4. The two members of Russian punk Pussy Riot who were freed from prison this week derided President Vladimir Putin’s decision that led to their early release as nothing more than a publicity stunt. So maybe don’t clear all of their stuff out of their jail cells so quickly.

5. Revelers who can’t make it to New York’s Time Square to celebrate New Year’s Eve this year can download an app that allows them to see the ball drop on their phone. But no app will be able to replace the real Times Square experience of being crammed next to complete strangers, in the bitter cold, surrounded by the overwhelming stench of urine and having a 20 percent chance that you’ll contract Hep C before the clock strikes midnight. Happy New Year everyone!

6. A new study suggests, children who are teased while playing sports tend to have a worse quality of life then their non-teased peers. “So quit it, you guys,” said A-Rod.

7. A day after Target announced that forty million of its customers had their credit and debit card information stolen by hackers, the retailer announced a 10% discount for all shoppers at its stores over the weekend. “10% is nice, but I think I’ll stick with the 100% off,” said the hackers.

8. Overweight and obese men in a new study showed diminished quality and quantity of semen suggesting a weight problem might also affect fertility. “Well, that must be my problem,” said Chaz Bono.

9. On Thursday, singer Selena Gomez cancelled her upcoming Australian concert tour, saying she needed to take the time to put herself before her work. “I have always put myself before work, actually I have put anything before work,” said Kim Kardashian.

10. According to figures released by Major League Baseball, Dodger Stadium was the most visited ballpark of the 2013 baseball season. The least visited ballpark was Houston’s Minute Maid Park, and according to the Astro’s 51-111 record, some nights the team didn’t even show up.