May 6, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a 4-month-old baby in China who was born with 31 fingers and toes. And if you think that’s bad, the parents’ previous baby was even more deformed, it was a girl.

2. On Thursday, London elected Sadiq Khan as mayor, making Khan the first Muslim mayor of any major western city. “But not the first president,” said FoxNews.

3. According to the FBI, a man who went into multiple Michigan grocery stores and sprayed poison on the food is now in custody. No word on who will fill his shoes as president of Monsanto.

4. This week, a North Carolina woman, who was diagnosed with breast cancer six years ago and is still undergoing chemotherapy, won the lottery for the second time in just three months. Proving that God does listen to our prayers, just not that well.

5. According to a new poll, supporters of Donald Trump see refugees arriving from Iraq and Syria as the greatest threat to the United States. The second greatest threat to Trump supporters is someone asking them to locate Iraq and Syria on a map.

6. On Wednesday, Prince Harry took to horseback to play a game of polo in Palm Beach. Either that, or he was getting a piggy back ride from Camilla Parker Bowles.

7. To reassure Asian tourists, Italy is importing Chinese police to patrol the streets of Rome. Which is pointless, because you know an hour after the Chinese police arrive they’re just gonna be hungry for more police.

8. In response to a young boy yelling “You Suck” at a Ted Cruz rally, the Republican presidential hopeful said in his house kids receive a spanking for saying such terrible things. Things like “I hate you,” “I wish I was never born,” and “You have no mathematical chance at being the Republican nominee.”

9. On Tuesday, New York City police found a body that washed ashore in Brooklyn wearing ‘cement shoes.’ But, apparently not very good cement shoes.

10. On Tuesday, six-year-old presidential expert Macey Hensley got a surprise visit from former President George W. Bush while she was touring his presidential library. And I can think of no one who would be more disappointed to meet George W. Bush than a presidential expert.

11. On Monday, a man fell off the Great Wall of China and somehow survived. The man credits all the kings’ horsemen and all the kings’ men.

12. An man in Minnesota has come forward claiming to be the secret child of Prince and demanding a DNA test. And, the guy may have an argument:

13. Clay Aiken, the former American Idol star who ran for a North Carolina congressional seat in 2014, claims he put on 30 pounds on the campaign trail by eating nothing but Bojangles fried chicken. Which is ironic, because that is Ruben Studdard’s diet plan.

14. King of the informercial Phil Kives, who coined the phrase “As Seen on TV,” died last week at the age of 87. He is survived by his wife and two kids, but, if you call in now, he’ll throw in a third one for free.

15. Actor Woody Harrelson’s application to open a medical marijuana dispensary in Hawaii was rejected last week. Turns out the actor best known for being stoned all the time is not great with paperwork.

16. Producers have announced that a musical based on the life of Pope John Paul II is set to debut next year in Poland. So, if you like the Catholic Church and you like musicals, the Catholic Church doesn’t like you.

17. A woman who gave birth on a Jetstar flight from Singapore to Myanmar last week, named her newborn son Saw Jet Star after the airline. Which is much better than the name given to a baby born on a Malaysian Airlines flight, cute little Abortion Smith.

18. Campus police at the University of Illinois are investigating after someone drew swastikas in a campus building. “That’s outrageous! Only one building?!?” said the dean of Trump University.

19. This week a Cambridge scientist said he sees a not-too-distant future where humans live until 1,000 and have their bodies fixed like cars. That might be the case, but I still don’t appreciate my proctologist telling me he’s “checking my oil.”

20. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump celebrated Cinco de Mayo on Thursday by tweeting a photo of himself with a taco bowl and the caption: “I love Hispanics.” It actually was just a hard shell taco, but it looked like a taco bowl next to Donald’s tiny little hands.

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