June 23, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A third Alabama schoolteacher has been arrested for alleged sexual misconduct with a student. That’s crazy, who knew they even had three teachers in Alabama?

2. It was announced yesterday that a sitcom based on the life of Tom Arnold is in the works. The show will be called, “So Jim Belushi Said No.”

3. A California man has visited Disneyland for the past 2,000 days in a row. Said the man, “I know I can’t go within 200 feet of a school, but the judge didn’t say anything about amusement parks.”

4. A musical based on the life of Princess Diana is coming to Broadway. And I believe they already made a Broadway musical about Camilla Parker Bowles:

5. The heir to the luxury crystal brand Swarovski got married over the weekend in a dress encrusted with 500,000 jewels that weighed 100 pounds. The bride weighing an extra 100 pounds should prepare the groom for married life.

6. Researchers have found that older people who have sex more often increase their brain power. Yup, that checks out:

7. ‘Wheel of Fortune’ is under fire for using a photographic backdrop showing two African-Americans in slave-era clothing. But, in the show’s defense, it was a prize puzzle, and the prize was a trip to see a taping of Bill Maher.

8. According to reports, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have hired a surrogate to carry their third child. I assume because the fire marshall told Kim the amount of people allowed inside of her has reached maximum occupancy.

9. Britain’s Queen Elizabeth stirred up social media on Wednesday when she opened parliament in a hat looking very much like a European Union flag. Which really drew attention away from her “Who Farted?” t-shirt:

10. Korean scientists have developed glasses that allow the wearer to see sound. So far, seven people have gone blind listening to Kesha.

11. A Jerusalem court ruled on Wednesday that airline employees cannot ask women to change seats to spare a man from having to sit next to a woman. “Bummer,” said this guy:

12. According to a new study, fathers who get more involved in raising their children may be helping to lower their kids’ risk of obesity. That story again, Barron’s gonna be fat.

13. Today is take your dog to work day. Which is easily the most hectic day at the squirrel factory.

14. According to a new survey, 39% of office workers admitted to masturbating while at work. That story again, there’s a 39% chance that wasn’t White Out.

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