November 17, 2014 – Monologue Joke

1. Tennessee Titans tight-end Chase Coffman has been fined $30,000 by the NFL for hitting a Baltimore Ravens assistant coach on the sidelines during a game last week. But, on the plus-side, at least the abuse is getting closer to taking place on the field.

2. A 91-year-old woman in Poland was declared dead on November 6 and sent to a funeral home, only to wake up 11 hours later in cold storage. It marked the first and only time anyone ever mistook Poland for heaven.

3. In a recording released by TMZ, actress Amanda Bynes is heard saying that she wants to murder her father. No word on whether Drake will somehow be involved in this murder as well.

4. In recent interviews with multiple prominent evangelical leaders, no one listed opposition to gay marriage as their top priority. This softening in stance has been attributed to the new, young evangelical minister, Tad Handsome.

5. One Republican leader on Sunday held open the possibility that his party could move to shut down the government in an attempt to stop President Obama from taking executive action on immigration policy. Said immigrants, “We’ll do those jobs.”

6. President Obama on Sunday defended his signature healthcare law after one of the White House’s advisers said the law passed because of the “stupidity” of the American voters. “My ears are burning,” said Joe Biden.

7. A two-cornered hat that belonged to French emperor Napoleon Bonaparte was sold to an anonymous South Korean bidder for $2.4 million at auction on Sunday. Are you sure the bidder who won the hat of the tiny leader who was hell bent on world domination wasn’t from North Korea?

8. Exotic dancers at a midtown Manhattan strip club were awarded early $10.9 million by a judge who found they were employees unfairly classified by the club as independent contractors. Although, I think it was a little uncouth for the judge to award that money by making it rain.

9. R.A. Montgomery, author of the long-running “Choose Your Own Adventure” books, died last week. His last words were reportedly, “Quick, go back to page 42.”

10. Hipsters in the Middle East are being confused with Jihadists because of their long beards. “Two birds, one stone,” said the guy who operates the drones.

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