April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

November 3, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night in Cleveland, the Chicago Cubs beat the Indians to win their first World Series title in over 100 years. And they celebrated like everyone in Cleveland aways does, by immediately getting on a plane and leaving Cleveland.

2. Last night, the Cleveland Indians lost the World Series to the Chicago Cubs after blowing a 3-1 series lead. And, to add insult to injury for Cleveland fans, on Sunday the Browns play.

3. On Wednesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s campaign announced that it had raised $100 million in October from “small-dollar” donors. “I put a lot of girls through college that exact same way,” said Bill:
strip club

4. On Wednesday, disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner checked himself into rehab. Although I don’t know how long he’ll stay in rehab considering what a big fan he is of checking himself out:

5. It was reported yesterday, that actor Johnny Depp will star in the sequel to J.K. Rowling’s film ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.’ When asked about Depp’s casting, Rowling said, “I don’t want the movie to be good.”
6. On Wednesday it was reported that news website Gawker Media had reached a $31 million cash settlement with Hulk Hogan, the former professional wrestler who won a $140 million judgment against the site. So now, finally, Hogan might be able to afford a shirt that doesn’t always rip.

7. According to a new study, children exposed to food advertisements are more likely to over-eat, especially if they have a specific version of a gene linked to obesity. That groundbreaking study again, fat kids gonna eat.

8. Last night, Beyonce performed at the Country Music Awards. She has a cheating husband, so she’s really just a pickup truck and a shotgun away from completely fitting in with that crowd.

9. It was recently revealed that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump authored an erotic  novel in 2012 entitled ‘Trump Tower,’ which details the scandalous sex lives of the residents of the building. Even crazier, there was only one review on the cover:

10. Ninni Laaksonen, a former Miss Finland has accused Donald Trump of groping her during the 2006 Miss Universe pageant, claiming he grabbed her on the butt. So I guess he went in for a grab and she turned around real quick.

October 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. At a rally on Tuesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump mistakenly encouraged his supporters to get out and vote on November 28th, instead of the correct day for the general election, November 8th. Which is not surprising because Trump has a history of forgetting dates:

2. “Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling announced on Thursday that the “Fantastic Beasts” franchise will be a series of five movies, not three as previously reported. Said Rowling, “Mama needs a new boat!”
3. A man in Canada standing trial for rape, is claiming his penis is way too small to have committed the vicious sex crimes he’s accused of and has offered to show his penis to the jury. If successful, Donald Trump is expected to hold up his tiny, baby-like hands as a defense against recent groping allegations.
4. In the wake of Donald Trump’s most recent crisis, major GOP donors are asking the Republican presidential candidate for their money back. Although, from the look of it, I’m guessing he may have already spent it:

5. On Monday, actor Shia LaBeouf livestreamed his Vegas wedding to actress Mia Goth that was presided over by an Elvis impersonator. And, though the stream was free, out of habit, at the end, viewers asked for their money back.

6. A husband in Texas faked his own kidnapping so he could hang out with his buddies. That’s weird, I didn’t know Ryan Lochte was married.

7. A family who bought a local Philadelphia cemetery in 2010 is suing to keep mourners out. And, in their defense, there is still one way to get in there.

8. A company is selling a smart pillow that tracks sleep, vibrates to prevent snoring and streams music. “So let me get this straight, it vibrates and plays Justin Timberlake music?” asked women.

9. Despite constant threats to do so, court records show that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has not sued a newspaper for libel in over thirty years. Although, this headline is really tempting the fates:

10. Yesterday, former congresswoman Michele Bachmann warned Christians that if they don’t vote for Donald Trump, the country will experience a wave of sexual assaults. Which is true because if he’s not in the White House, he’s gonna be out amongst us.

11. On Thursday, a fortune-teller machine featuring an animatronic Donald Trump was spotted at various locations throughout New York City. You can tell it’s not the real Donald because the machine actually reveals its fortunes.

12. A new study has estimated that Pokemon Go players have taken over one hundred billion steps in the past three months. “Unfortunately, the last step is always returning to our basement,” said their parents.

13. Family members ordered a pizza for their 87-year-old grandmother in Florida to make sure she was okay after being unable to reach her by phone after Hurricane Matthew. Which is bullshit, because when I ignore my family’s calls all I get are twenty angry voicemails and a major guilt trip.

14. According to a new study, kids that have an absent parent may be more likely than other children to start drinking and smoking before they reach their teens. Proving that it’s better to come from a two parent home or, in some cases, a no parent home:

15. On Monday, 1,201 married couples gathered at Western Michigan University to renew their vows, breaking a world record. Because if your relationship can survive a trip to western Michigan, it can survive anything.

16. In the wake of her armed robbery, this week, Kim Kardashian said her revamped security team is “ready for a gun battle.” And, I’m begging you, if there is a gun battle, can you please make sure Kourtney and Khloe are there too?
17. Last week, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump visited a class of first graders in Las Vegas. He even partook in an arts and crafts project:

18. In what can only be described as another stumble in a series of political gaffes, Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson couldn’t name North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un. You know, I’m beginning to think this guy’s not qualified to be president.

19. Students at Humboldt State University are protesting a lack of toilet paper on campus. Considering Humboldt isn’t even ranked in the top 500 universities nationally, have they considered using their diplomas?

20. According to a new study, people who wear glasses are smarter than those with perfect vision. But, on the other hand:

April 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump missed his new grandson’s circumcision to campaign in Wisconsin. Which is good, because it means there was only one dick who needed a little off the top in the room.

2. According to court records U.S. women’s national team legend Abby Wambach has admitted using cocaine and marijuana while a member of the USWNT. Shit, you’d do drugs too if you were forced to watch soccer all day.

3. Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump has canceled a planned news conference in California on Friday to keep campaigning in New York. California hasn’t been this grateful to New York since the Dodgers moved.

4. A dachshund that garnered internet attention for being extremely obese, has lost 38 pounds, or half its body weight, in the past 8 months. Not surprisingly, after the weight loss, most black labs have lost all interest in the slimmer pooch.

5. A dachshund appropriately named “Fat Vincent,” has lost 38 pounds, or half its body weight, in just 8 months. Veterinarians are calling it nothing short of a miracle, while hungry Chinese people are calling it a shame.

6. On Thursday, it embarrassingly took presidential candidate Hillary Clinton several tries to past a turnstile and get into the New York City subway. “Serves her right for trying to hoard in on my fundraising strategy,” said Bernie Sanders:
subway dancer

7. There is a new trend of people sending photos of their genitalia to their doctors. And there is also a new trend of doctors saying their phones can’t zoom in that much.

8. On Thursday, FBI Director James Comey said the Bureau’s secret method for unlocking the iPhone 5c used by one of the San Bernardino shooters will not work on newer models. So you hear that terrorists, get newer iPhones.

9. A rare, pear-shaped, vivid pink diamond will go under the hammer in Geneva next month, where auctioneers expect it to fetch up to $38 million. “If you like pear-shaped and pink, then I’m your man,” said Mario Batali.

10. On Tuesday, The Wall Street Journal reported that Amazon is set to release a new Kindle with a rechargeable protective case for a better battery life. And, with a longer battery life, you’ll be able to take your Kindle more places and explain to people why you don’t own an iPad.

11. On Tuesday, NBA superstar LeBron James topped the Power 100 list of the world’s most marketable athlete. While A-Rod has heard of the list.

12. Comedian Bill Cosby won the right on Monday to delay providing evidence, including DNA, in a lawsuit in Massachusetts. Which is surprising because Cosby has never been shy about supplying a DNA sample, whether requested or not.

13. The wooden dining chair that author J.K. Rowling sat in while she wrote the “Harry Potter” books is going up for auction in New York. Not to be outdone, also up for auction is the sofa Ben Affleck napped on while Matt Damon wrote “Good Will Hunting.

14. A dentist office in Illinois is using a golden retriever named JoJo as a dental assistant. Because who’s a better advocate for flossing regularly than someone who eats their own poop.

15. This week, Walmart pulled a University of Maryland t-shirt that it was selling because mistakenly bore the shape of the state of Massachusetts. Although, if there’s one thing Walmart customers shouldn’t be critical of, it’s the shape things are in.

16. According to reports, Alaska Airlines is nearing a deal to acquire Virgin America for more than $2 billion. But they should be careful because the last time an Alaskan thought they had a virgin the country got introduced to Levi Johnston.

January 3, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Embattled Toronto mayor Rob Ford was first in line yesterday morning to file the necessary paperwork for his re-election bid. Although, it’s not that hard to be first in line when you didn’t go to sleep the night before.

2. Actor Shia LaBeouf used a plane to skywrite an apology to an author whose work he used without permission. So I guess I’ll keep an eye on the sky for my apology for spending money on “Indiana Jones Part 4.”

3. Residents of the northeast headed to the supermarket to stock up on food as a blizzard bears down on the region. Residents of Colorado also raided their local supermarkets, but for completely different reasons.

4. The California Supreme Court ruled on Thursday that an undocumented Mexican immigrant should be licensed to practice law in the state. Which is convenient for the immigrant, because now he can represent himself when we try to deport him.

5. A Christmas gift from Barack and Michelle Obama intended for Sasha and Malia’s godmother was delivered to the wrong suburban Chicago address on Thursday. Said President Obama, “I gave Biden one job to do, one job!”

6. Chris Gossage, the lawyer who revealed that author J.K. Rowling had used a pseudonym to write a popular detective novel, was fined $1,650 by a British court for his actions. Gossage took the punishment a step further, vowing to never again speak Rowling’s name, but instead to refer to her solely as “She who must not be named.”

7. On Thursday, a Florida man who won a contest to watch the finale of “Breaking Bad’ with its cast was arrested on charges that he ran an underground synthetic drug distribution operation. Authorities became suspicious when the man wrote off the trip as a business expense.

8. A new study suggests, parents who let their teens use electronic devices or watch TV during family meals tend to serve less nutritious foods and have poorer family communication. When asked about the findings, one family said, “Shh, I can’t hear Khloe.”

9. According to a new study, maintaining a consisted daily routine may be linked to better sleep. Unless, of course, your daily routine looks anything like Charlie Sheen’s, then you’re never going to sleep ever again.

10. A mission to put humans on Mars that drew 200,000 applicants has selected a thousand candidates who will now be tested to come up with a list of 24 finalists. That’s gotta be tough news for the other 199,000 candidates who found out they weren’t qualified enough to die on Mars.