April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

February 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, the Congressional Black Caucus endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. An endorsement that would have helped out a lot more eight years ago.

2. According to a new study, toddlers who speak two languages are better than their peers at solving particular kinds of problems. Problems, like “What’s the cleaning the lady saying?”

3. Ted Cruz’s campaign has pulled its most recent ad after learning one of the actresses in the spot is also a softcore porn star. “You almost had my vote,” said Bill Clinton.

4. This week, the state of Delaware issued a formal apology for slavery to its African-American residents. The apology starts, “Dear Todd.”

5. The Art Institute of Chicago has commissioned a recreation of painter Vincent Van Gogh’s bedroom and is making it available to rent on Airbnb. And, despite popular belief, it won’t cost an arm and a leg, just an ear.

6. The Wall Street Journal reported that Google is developing a virtual reality headset that works without a smartphone or computer. The company is crafting a virtual reality where Google Glass never existed.

7. Kathleen Willey, one of the women who previously accused former President Bill Clinton of sexual assault has agreed to work for an anti-Clinton political group. “You would get a lot more volunteers if you made it an anti-Bill group,” said the fifty-four Cosby accusers.

8. Qatar may create special courts during the 2022 soccer World Cup to deal quickly with alcohol-consuming fans who break the law in the conservative Muslim state. The courts will have the authority to sentence offenders or, even worse, make them watch more soccer.

9. It has been reported, that one item in the swag bag given to the Academy Award nominees this year will be a fully-paid trip to Israel. Which explains why Mel Gibson didn’t make any movies this year.

10. According to a new study, anal sex may be linked to an increased risk of incontinence. So don’t ask grandma why she eats so many prunes unless you’re ready for the answer.

11. On Friday, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said, despite various concerns about concussions, that if he had a son, he would “love to have him play the game of football.” And, I like to think, his imaginary son would want to play football too, if only to increase the risk of getting memory loss to forget that his father is that asshole Roger Goodell.

12. A new study has found that there are certain factors that increase the likelihood of teens becoming involved in weapons. Those factors include emotional distress, substance abuse and living next to George Zimmerman.

13. Ted Cruz’s wife revealed that when he needs to relieve stress Ted calls her and sings Broadway show tunes. “My husband too!” said Kelly Preston and whoever Tom Cruise is married to now.

14. A new article has found that a fifty-five gallon barrel of sex lube is now over thirty-six times more expansive than a barrel of crude oil. You can read all about it in this month’s edition of “Don’t Ask Us How We Figured This Out” magazine…and also “Vogue.”

15. Last week, a Tennessee man with the word ‘psycho’ tattooed on his forehead was arrested for stabbing man in the stomach. “That guy is giving men with tattoos on their faces a bad name,” said Mike Tyson.