January 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Inside sources say, for the past 30 years, the first thing President-elect Donald Trump does every morning is read news clippings that are all about him. Unfortunately, now the rest of America does so as well.

2. According to Billboard, Mozart sold more CDs than Beyonce in 2016. Said Kanye, “I’m gonna let you finish Mozart, but Salieri had the best album this year!”

3. Actor Tom Arnold is claiming he has unused tapes from “The Apprentice” that feature President-elect Donald Trump using inflammatory and racist language. I never thought I’d say this, but where the hell have you been Tom Arnold?

4. According to a new study, children are more likely to become overweight or obese during summer vacation than during the school year. As if you needed further proof that Honey Boo Boo has never been to school.

5. A Georgia man was arrested last week after authorities said he hit his girlfriend with a workbook from his anger management class. Said the man, “I was skeptical that this workbook would help, but I do feel a lot better now.”

6. According to research, school attendance improves when girls in sub-Saharan Africa are taught about menstruation and given free sanitary towels. Also, the school saves a lot of money because they don’t have to replace as many desk chairs.

7. Police in Arkansas want to know if an Amazon Echo, which is a home personal assistant device that responds to voice commands, overheard something that can help with a murder case. But Echo better thing twice about talking because, as everyone knows, snitches get glitches.

8. Last week, rapper Drake, who is 30, and singer Jennifer Lopez, who is 47, appeared to confirm their rumored romantic relationship on Instagram. I’m guessing Drake started at her bottom and hasn’t made much progress since.

9. Friday night, former UFC champion Ronda Rousey lost to current bantamweight champion Amanda Nunes in just 48-seconds. “I could have knocked her out in thirty,” said an unimpressed Chris Brown.

10. Sunday morning Los Angeles residents awoke to find the iconic “Hollywood” sign changed to read “Hollyweed” by an unknown suspect. This marks the first time in history that a pothead said “You know what would be cool” and then actually got off the couch and did it.

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