April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

September 28, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, tennis superstar Serena Williams said her new baby daughter helped her recover from her recent U.S Open loss. “Really? Can we borrow your baby,” said the New York Jets.

2. North West, the 5-year-old daughter of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian West, walked her first fashion show runway over the weekend. Sounds like she got her fashion sense from her dad and her ability to get on stage and not say something stupid from her mom:

3. New York’s attorney general on Monday said lawyer review website Avvo had agreed to reform its rating system and improve disclosures after a probe revealed shortcomings in how it presented information to consumers seeking to hire lawyers. I don’t know, seems pretty helpful to me:

4. In an interview this week, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh admitted that he was a virgin throughout high school. In response, Ruth Bader Ginsburg called Kavanaugh “a fucking loser.”

5. HBO said on Thursday it will be dropping boxing from its programming schedule, ending a 45-year association with the sport. But fans of boxing shouldn’t be worried, HBO also announced an upcoming concert series with Chris Brown.

6. The Paris prosecutor’s office on Wednesday opened an investigation into a little known French rapper who shot to social media fame with a video called “Hang white people”. But, if you think about, isn’t that the subtitle of every Macklemore song too? 

7. Korean boy band BTS spoke at the United Nations this week. Marking the first time a pop-band has addressed the General Assembly since N’SYNC backed up Boutros Boutros-Ghali:

8. This week Arby’s announced that it is buying Sonic for $2.3 billion. Which equates to one dollar for every commercial on TV right now:

9. On Tuesday, a room full of world leaders at the U.N. laughed during Donald Trump’s speech when the president lavished praised on himself. Although Trump should be used to getting laughed at since he’s been roasted on Comedy Central, is made fun of nightly on talk shows, and has taken his pants off in front of real live women before.

10. A two-seater convertible car owned by Marilyn Monroe is going up for auction in November. It is expected to fetch much more than James Dean’s car.

11. This week the Secret Service unveiled the first update to the presidential limo since 2009, which is filled with a wide range of medical supplies including a refrigerator full of President Trump’s blood type. Big deal, I’ve seen limos with mini-fridges full of Diet Coke before too. 

12. The NHL is investigating Philadelphia Flyers forward Jori Lehtera after a Finnish news outlet reported he was questioned by police in his native Finland about his involvement in a cocaine ring. They may also want to question this guy:

13. A Silicon Valley start-up called Ambrosia is looking into opening a clinic in Manhattan where people over the age of 35 could be injected with the blood of younger people to help increase their vitality. Although, if you’re interested in other people’s fluids, may I suggest the subway. 

14. According to reports, Bronx rapper Cardi B is in talks to perform with Maroon 5 at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. So, at least someone from New York will be there:

15. President Trump was so late to his scheduled speech at the U.N. on Tuesday, that the President of Ecuador had to take his spot. Which, I’m hoping means, that whoever the hell that guy is, is now our president.

16. This week ‘Saturday Night Live’ announced the addition of a new cast member, Ego Nwodim. So congratulations Ms. Nwodim and my condolences to SNL announcer Daryl Hammond. 

17. Chick-fil-A surprised a Florida man on his 100th birthday with free food for life. Because there’s nothing better for the heart of an elderly man who likes fried food than surprises.

18. This week, a kangaroo got loose from a Florida animal reserve and wandered the streets of a residential community. Said every Floridan, “Do you see that kangaroo too, or is the meth just really good?”

June 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Venezuelan police attacked the country’s Supreme Court by dropping grenades from a helicopter. “I wish a bitch would,” said Ruth Bader Ginsburg:

2. Yesterday French President Emmanuel Macron invited President Trump to Paris on July 14th to celebrate Bastille Day, otherwise known as French National Day. Said Trump, “Those idiots don’t even celebrate the Fourth of July on the right day.”

3. According to a new study, acupuncture paired with mild electric currents may be better than doing nothing at all to relieve urinary incontinence in women. Or, you could just move to Russia and make a career out of it:

4. Bumble, a dating app where women typically initiate the conversation, has launched a pop-up location this month in Manhattan. Or, as it’s more commonly known, a bar, you opened a bar, Bumble. Congrats.

5. Actress Lindsay Lohan is launching a subscription-only lifestyle website. But, I assume that’s a typo and meant to say Lohan’s website comes with a lifetime prescription to Valtrex.

6. On Wednesday, a man drove his car into and destroyed a newly installed Ten Commandments monument in Arkansas. Said the man, “If this doesn’t impress my neighbor’s wife nothing will.”

7. Yesterday, Joe Maddon, the manager of the World Series champion Chicago Cubs, said when you’re invited to the White House, “I think you go.” And here to provide the counter argument is Melania.

8. According to reports, President Trump’s team has been fighting with Disney World over the speech Trump’s robot will give in their Hall of President’s exhibit. The problem is if they use an actual Trump speech word-for-word it will sound like the robot is malfunctioning:

9. This week, actress Michelle Rodriguez threatened to quit the ‘Fast and Furious’ movie franchise over its treatment of women. And I agree, no one should have to try to act in a scene alongside Vin Diesel.

10. In a recent interview, actor Rob Lowe claimed to have once seen the giant mythical creature Bigfoot. Not to be outdone, Bigfoot claims to have once seen the never-aging, mythical creature Rob Lowe.

October 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is the United Nation’s International Day of the Girl Child. Or, as it’s referred to in China, Tuesday.

2. This week marks the 90th anniversary of the first publication of the iconic Winnie the Pooh books. Eeyore celebrated like he always does, by downing fifth of whiskey and a handful of pills.
 
3. In a recent interview, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said San Francisco back-up quarterback Colin Kaepernick’s decision to kneel during the national anthem was one of the dumber things she’s ever seen on a football field. Then she watched the 49ers play the game and said, “I stand corrected.”

4. Verizon may shift marketing away from Samsung’s troubled Galaxy Note 7 mobile phone heading into the holiday selling season. Although, with phones exploding in men’s pockets, the “chestnuts roasting on an open fire” tagline kinda writes itself.
 
5. According to a new study, if the previous occupant of a hospital bed received antibiotics, the next patient who uses that bed may be at higher risk for a severe form of infectious diarrhea. A similar study was conducted at every Days Inn ever.
 
6. British actress Emma Watson condemned child marriage during a visit to Malawi on Monday. Thus ending her chance of ever starring in a Woody Allen movie.

7. The TSA would start securing trains, buses and ferries under a new bill introduced in the Senate this week. Because there’s nothing I want to do more than take my shoes off inside the Port Authority.

8. Holly, one of Queen Elizabeth’s two remaining corgi dogs died on Monday at the age of thirteen. Which can only mean one thing, Holly ate the meat pie Prince Charles prepared for the Queen.

9. According to reports, Iran has blocked access to over 700 dating sites. Forcing residents to get their 99 virgins the old fashioned way.

10. Over the weekend, Paapa Essiedu, the first black actor to play Hamlet for the Royal Shakespeare Company, won best performance at the UK Theatre Awards. The play is exactly like the original except, after Hamlet poses his famous question, a Charlotte police officer answers with “not to be.”