April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

Monologue Jokes – May 1, 2013

1. Farrah Abraham, formerly the focus of MTV’s “Teen Mom”, has reportedly sold a sex tape of herself for $1 million. Proving wrong all those who said appearing on “Teen Mom” would be the low-point of her career.

2. On Tuesday, the FDA approved the availability of the Plan B contraception pill without a prescription for women fifteen and older. But if you’re fourteen, you’re having that kid.

3. On Tuesday, the musical “Kinky Boots” earned thirteen Tony Award nominations, but I know I don’t have to tell you that, Jason Collins.

4. Television journalist Maria Shriver is returning to NBC as a special anchor nine years after leaving the network. As a special anchor, Shriver will cover many stories, all except the one everyone cares about.

5. According to a new study, neonatal intensive care units, or NICUs, have drastically reduced infant deaths, but have also contributed to intellectual disabilities. Begging the question, when she was born, exactly how many NICUs was Snookie in?

6. Yesterday the internet turn twenty. It’s crazy to think that just twenty short years ago we had to actually interact with people.

7. After a week of speculation that the New York Jets might cut quarterback Mark Sanchez, the Jets decided to part ways with Tim Tebow instead. Yet another example of Mexicans stealing our jobs.

8. Rapper Ray-J released a new music video entitled “I Hit It First”, staring him and a Kim Kardashian look-a-like. Making it the second most watched video Ray-J has ever made.

9. A pro-gun billboard that features images of Native Americans is drawing both contempt and support in Colorado. Contempt, because it is using the plight of Native Americans to further the pro-gun agenda. And support, because it makes for great target practice.

10. A woman desperate to have a fourth child forced her adopted teenage daughter to artificially inseminate herself with semen purchased online. The mom has been sentenced to five years, so maybe now we can focus on the guys who are selling their semen on the internet.

11. Pakistan’s powerful army chief has suggested the military is unhappy with how authorities have treated former president Pervez Musharraf since his return from exile. Their main gripe, that he’s still alive.

12. Yesterday, country singer Willie Nelson turned 80-years-old. (choose your own punchline):
-Doctors say he has the lungs of a 200-year-old.
-Here’s hoping his glaucoma clears up soon.
-He celebrated by writing a new song and spending a quiet evening with friends and family. I’m just kidding, he got really fucking high.
-For Willie, every birthday party is a surprise party.