February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

August 12, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A 107-year-old woman in the Bronx said the secret to her long life was never getting married. “Solid advice,” said Nicole Brown Simpson.

2. Last week, a Florida man who goes by the name ‘Murder’ and has the word ‘murder’ tattooed on his neck, was found guilty of murder. Said the man’s lawyer, “I told you to tattoo ‘not’ before that.” 

3. Saudi Arabia will host the world’s richest horse race in Riyadh at the King Abdulaziz Racetrack next year, with a purse of $20 million. “I’ve got an idea,” said Usain Bolt:


4. This week, former Vice President Joe Biden said that “half of winning is showing up.” Which explains why Don Jr. and Eric lost all those tee-ball games:

5. In a recent interview, actor Jason Mamoa says he is unable to shoot ‘Aquaman 2’ because he got run over by a bulldozer. And not, as I suspected, because he saw ‘Aquaman 1.’ 

6. Actor Richard Gere on Friday visited 121 migrants stranded for the past week on a rescue ship in the Mediterranean. “And Richard Gere knows a thing or two about things getting stranded in unwelcome places,” said Squeaks the hamster.

7. According to a new study by the International Nut and Dried Fruit Council, men who eat nuts have better sexual performance. “Hello ladies,” said guy:

8. Last week, a jury in California ruled that singer Katy Perry’s hit single ‘Dark Horse’ copied a Christian rap song and must pay the original writers for copyright infringement. Yes, but what about justice for the jurors who were forced to listen to a Christian rap song? 

9. Last week, Apple announced that it has stopped letting contractors listen to user commands given to its voice assistant Siri. Said Apple, “Problem solved, we hired those contractors as full time employees.” 

10. President Trump recently attacked representative Elijah Cummings calling his Baltimore district a rat infested mess. Although his opinion of Baltimore has always been off:

11. According to Politico, President Trump reads four newspapers a day. Unfortunately, they are the same four newspapers everyday:

12. According to reports, the first lady of Japan may have pretended not to speak English after she was seated next to President Trump at the recent G20 Summit. Which is a shame, because the two seem to have so much in common, for instance, an inability to speak English:

13. An Indian man who was bitten by a snake got his revenge on the reptile by biting it back and killing it. And you don’t even want to know what he did to his dog after it humped his leg.

14. Police are searching for a woman who peed on a bin of potatoes in a Pennsylvania Walmart. “Ew, gross, potatoes,” said Trump.

15. Last week, democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders met with rapper Cardi B. They bonded over they desire to help the working poor, improve education, and stripping when they were younger:

16. After President Trump attached four ethnically diverse Democratic congresswomen, Republicans said they were unsure how President trump would respond to racist chants at his upcoming rallies. Although I’m guessing with a new line of hats:

17. In a televised speech last Monday condemning two mass shootings over the weekend, President Trump mistakenly referred to Toledo instead of Dayton as the city that suffered a mass shooting over the weekend. But, at this rate, give it a few weeks, and it will probably be accurate.

18. Japanese electronics manufacturer NEC Corporation unveiled a prototype flying car that stayed in the air for almost a minute during a test in Japan this week. Said the driver of the flying car behind it, “Go!!!! It’s been green for a full minute!!! GOOOOOO!!”

19. Japanese electronics manufacturer NEC Corporation unveiled a prototype flying car that stayed in the air for almost a minute during a test in Japan this week. The last time a car stayed in the air for a full minute, Paul Walker was driving it.

20. Last week, a nearly toothless Florida woman says she bit a man who forced his way into her apartment. That’s a crazy story, someone in Florida has teeth?

21. The Department of Health and Human Services is warning that new toxic chemicals are starting to contaminate cocaine in the United States. Which is a great thing to mention to already very paranoid group of people.

22. A Texas man proposed to his girlfriend this weekend by leading her on a 15-mile bike ride that spelled out the words “marry me.” So ladies, next time you’re mad at your boyfriend because he’s making a lot of u-turns and seems lost, remember to be even angrier when he doesn’t propose at the end.

23. Saudi Arabia’s capital market regulator on Tuesday approved two companies to test using robo-advisory services, or computer-generated advice for investors. If successful, the will begin testing robo-cocaine and robo-strippers.

24. According to a new study, adults who were underweight babies may be less likely to have romantic or sexual relations. Which explains my new pick up line, “You’re so hot, I bet you were a fat baby.”

25. Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster followed through Sunday on a pledge to give a fan season tickets for tattooing his signature onto his scalp. “Oh my God, that sounds terrible,” said Giants fans of being given season tickets.

26. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell fractured his shoulder Sunday after falling in his Kentucky home. Begging the question, how do you know where his neck ends and shoulder begins?

27. Coors Light has branded itself the official beer of drinking in the shower. And, I’m gonna guess, of peeing in the shower as well.

28. Kazakhstan has halted the implementation of an internet surveillance system criticized by lawyers as illegal. That hard to believe story again, they have the internet in Kazakhstan.

29. According to a recent report, when President Trump likes a tweet, he has a staffer print it our, then he signs it and sends the signed paper copy of the tweet to the person who tweeted it. And, in related news, there’s a fucking ‘Like’ button!!!!!!

30. A Michigan man was sentenced to 60 days in jail, to be served on weekends, for poisoning his wife’s coffee. That story again, a man in Michigan who tried to poison his wife has been sentenced to spend every weekday with her.

July 26, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, President Trump spoke to a large gathering of Boy Scouts saying, “there’s no better feeling than an achievement that you’ve earned with your own sweat, tears, resolve, hardwork.” Adding, “And of course a small $10 million, interest-free loan from your father.

2. On Monday, President Trump spoke to 40,000 Boy Scouts at the organization’s annual jamboree. And what better person to speak to a group of kids who get merit badges for tying knots than someone who has done it three times and counting:

3. A Danish company is selling makeup for your vagina. “Do you sell a concealer?” asked women around Bill Cosby.

4. Italian police said on Monday they had arrested two brothers suspected of robbing dozens of cash machines while wearing masks of President Trump. Authorities knew it wasn’t actually Trump because during the hold-up the robbers stuck to their script and didn’t once mention their huge electoral college victory.

5. According to new research, sperm counts in men from America have dropped by more than 50 percent in less than 40 years. Which I have a hard time believing considering how sticky the floor on the G train always is.

6. New research found the brains of 99 percent of former NFL players studied showed signs of a disease linked to repeated hits to the head that can lead to dementia. While the remaining 1 percent wasn’t a football player:

7. According to reports in Australia, Justin Bieber abruptly cancelled his concert tour to focus on opening up his own church. “What happened? We had such a great partnership,” asked the Devil.

8. A woman in Detroit was arrested for attempting to train squirrels to attack her ex-boyfriend. Even worse, this is her ex-boyfriend:

9. New research shows that ancient humans had sex with non-human species. That story again, even 150,000 years ago, there was still a South.

10. A new terminal is set to open in Singapore’s Changi Airport that, in theory, will allow passengers to go all the way from check-in to boarding without speaking to another person. You know, it’s not the speaking that gets to me: