June 17, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, children who are exposed to tobacco smoke from their fathers while they’re in the womb may be more likely than those who are not to develop asthma by age 6. Begging the question, exactly where are those guys blowing that smoke?

2. The island of Samoa has banned “Rocketman”, the movie based on Elton John, over its depiction of homosexuality. Begging the question, do you know how gay a movie has to be to be too gay for an island of men who dress like this?:

3. Actor Cuba Gooding Jr. was charged on Thursday with groping a woman at a Manhattan bar last weekend. But, look on the plus-side Cuba, at least someone recognized you.

4. In a recent interview, openly gay Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg said he is open to raising a child. “You can have your pick,” said Trump: 

5. The World Health Organization said on Thursday, more than a million people every day worldwide catch a sexually transmitted infection, with rates of chlamydia, gonorrhea, trichomoniasis and syphilis. “What can I say, I had a busy 2018,” said Colin Farrell.

6. According to a new report, the marijuana industry could surpass the NFL in revenue by 2020. Crazy to think that something so harmful for you brain could earn that much money, also weed is pretty bad too. 

7. According to a new study, children who are exposed to smoke from wildfires may experience a greater health impact than those exposed to smoke from prescribed controlled burns. So I guess that makes this kid Jack Leland: 

8. First Lady Melania Trump wore an elegant white below-the-knee Dolce & Gabbana dress with navy blue collar and belt and a custom hat by Herve Pierre when she met Queen Elizabeth last week at Buckingham Palace. Meanwhile, President Trump wore a mustard-stained suit from JC Penny’s Big & Tall line.

9. According to a new study, eating McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets increases the one’s chance of early death. Said McNugget eaters, “Yeah, that’s kind of the point.”

10. The NBA has banned Golden State Warriors owner Mark Stevens for one season after he shoved a Toronto Raptors player during Game 3 of the NBA Finals. This stands in stark contrast to the New York Knicks’ owner who was caught doing the exact same thing and, as punishment, was forced to attend every single Knicks for the remainder of the season.

11. The symbolic tree that President Trump and his French counterpart, Emmanuel Macron, planted at the White House last year has died. Said Trump, “I don’t get it, I complete neglect my children and they’re still alive.”

12. A 30-year-old Spirit Airlines passenger on a flight from Detroit to New Orleans recently got himself banned for life after getting caught vaping in the airplane lavatory. Although, wouldn’t a real punishment be forcing him to continue to fly Spirit Airlines?

13. In a recent interview, O.J. Simpson said he is currently living in what he calls the “no negative zone.” And, in unrelated news, the negative zone was found stabbed 74 times.

14. Over the weekend, O.J. Simpson joined Twitter. On the plus-side, the phrase “O.J. Simpson is following you,” now has a less threatening explanation.

15. Over the weekend, O.J. Simpson joined Twitter. Weird, I would have thought he’d be more into Facebook with all the poking.

16. President Trump said in an interview broadcast on Friday that former White House counsel Don McGahn “may have been confused” during his testimony as part of Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation. Which if true, makes him even more qualified to be one of Trump’s attorneys:

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