1. A Federal judge on Monday reprimanded the lawyer defending the indicted Russian company Concord Management and Consulting for being “unprofessional, inappropriate and ineffective.” Yet another thing Trump has in common with the Russians:
2. Police in California are trying to track down a man who spent three hours licking a doorbell at a Los Angeles home. Authorities describe the man as very disturbed and his girlfriend as very lucky.
3. According to a new study, new artificial intelligence technology can accurately identify some rare genetic disorders using a photograph of a patient’s face. Said that new technology, “I don’t know, the plague?”:
4. According to scientists in China, rabbits who eat feces grow stronger and healthier than those who do not. “Still you,” said the colleagues of the scientist who ran the study when he asked, “So who’s crazy for feeding shit to bunnies now?”
5. Former secretary of Housing and Urban Development Julián Castro officially announced his presidential bid on Saturday. Said President Trump, “Marco’s running again?”
6. During President Trump’s bipartisan meeting, Trump reportedly offered House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader chuck Schumer M&Ms, Skittles, Butterfingers and Baby Ruths. “Baby Ruths?!?!’ screamed Eric:
7. President Trump said Sunday that he would “devastate Turkey economically” if the country attacks Kurds in the region. Of course, the quickest way to economically cripple anything, is to put Trump’s name in front of it:
8. A TV station in Oregon fired an editor after airing altered footage of President Trump’s Oval Office address that shows a more orange-toned Trump with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. The man’s boss became suspicious that the video may have been edited when they noticed that Trump was speaking in full sentences and making sense.
9. While giving a recent speech, President Trump proclaimed himself a “professional at technology.” Which can only mean one thing, umbrellas don’t count as technology:
10. According to reports, CBS is in discussions with the White House to record and air an interview with President Trump before this year’s Super Bowl. That story again, a questionable form of entertainment that has a history of links to brain damage will air before the Super Bowl.
11. Ford said on Monday it plans to roll out a wireless technology for its new vehicles, starting in 2022, that will allow direct communication between connected devices. That story again, soon even your toaster will know how shitty of a driver you are.
12. A petition has been circulating online to cancel MTV’s new reality show entitled “Made in Staten Island” because it allegedly makes the borough look like “a cesspool of gangsters, meatheads and low lives.” Of course, it doesn’t help their cause that the petition ends with “or else.”
13. According to reports, 2018 was highest grossing year for Hollywood movies ever. Experts do not expect that trend to continue as Johnny Depp has vowed to work more in 2019.