February 2, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, President Trump is considering firing Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein. “I don’t like that sound of that,” said Steve Bannon upon hearing Rosenstein’s last name.

2. Connie Sawyer, the oldest working actress in Hollywood, died this week at the age of 105. Ironically, at the time of her death, she was wearing a ‘Times Up’ button.

3. Pop singer Justin Timberlake, speaking Thursday at an NFL news conference to promote his Super Bowl halftime performance, said that his son will never play football. “Welcome to the club” said Tim Tebow’s father.

4. Before the State of the Union Tuesday night, breaking with tradition, President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump came into the Capitol Building separately. Although it is a relationship tradition for them to cum separately.

5. According to testimony given before the Senate Intelligence Committee, Russian government-linked trolls created 129 Facebook events between 2015 and 2017. Even worse, 123 of those events were improv shows.

6. An Illinois lawmaker on Thursday proposed a bill that would ban tackle football in youth sports before age 12. I’m pretty sure they already have that ban in Cleveland:

7. Last week, President Trump ‘Liked’ a Wall Street Journal tweet that accused his friend Steve Wynn of sexual assault. But, in Trump’s defense, he only ‘Liked’ the tweet because Twitter doesn’t have a ‘Loved’ button.

8. According to a new study, women with overactive bladders who take medication to address the problem may feel the urge to urinate less often. In response, President Trump has outlawed that drug.

9. Fox has reportedly agreed to pay more than $3 billion to air Thursday night National Football League games on the Fox broadcast network for the next five seasons. It may seem like an odd fit, but Fox does have plenty of experience broadcasting people with obvious brain injuries:

10. While in Davos, President Trump met with the President of Rwanda, just a week after referring to African countries as “shit holes.” Said Trump about the meeting, “I think Ben Carson lost some weight.”

11. In a recent interview, President Trump said he wouldn’t call himself a feminist. So that settles it, there’s not a single person in the world who would call Donald Trump a feminist.

12. A corruption case involving the mayor of Allentown, Pennsylvania appears to hinge on the meaning of the word “meatballs” that appears in multiple emails, which the defense claims is code for payoffs. If that’s the case, Chris Christie better lawyer up.

13. In a recent interview, President Trump revealed that sometimes he tweets from bed. After which, since he and Melania have separate bedrooms, Trump is forced to retweet himself.

14. This week, a seven-year-old boy was arrested in Florida for punching his teacher. But, in his defense, in Florida it is legal to punch anyone who tries to teach you something.

15. President Donald Trump on Monday charged the new U.S. health secretary with bringing down drug prices. Specifically, Propecia and Viagra.

16. President Donald Trump’s attorneys are arguing that special counsel Robert Mueller’s team has not met the high threshold they believe is needed to interview a president in person. Ah, yes, a very high threshold indeed:

17. During the State of the Union, President Trump said he will focus on prison reform this upcoming year. “That’s great, I’d like a cell with a view,” said Jared.

18. While trying to touch a note of unity and bipartisanship, during his State of the Union speech Tuesday night President Trump said, “We all share the same home.” “Don’t remind me,” said Melania.

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