1. Grocery chain Trader Joe’s is recalling several prepackaged salads after a supplier said they may contain shards of glass. “It’s tearing up my insides!” said Chris Christie eating a regular salad.
3. The wife of Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore said on Friday her husband would not end his campaign in the wake of sexual misconduct allegations with teenage girls. Then Mrs. Moore excused herself because she was late for trig class.
4. Last week, a Navy pilot was reprimanded after using his fighter jet to draw a giant image of a penis in the sky over a Washington town. That story again, Louis C.K. has learned to fly.
5. New York City subway conductors have been instructed to stop addressing passengers as “ladies and gentleman” in favor of more gender-neutral terms. Instead, they will go with the more inclusive, “Hey assholes.”
6. More than a dozen women have accused actor Jeremy Piven of sexual assault spanning more than thirty years. That troubling story again, we’ve allowed Jeremy Piven to have a thirty year acting career.
7. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has banned his people from participating in “any gathering related to drinking, singing and other entertainment.” Luckily, since they only banned entertainment, the premiere of “Justice League” was allowed to go on as planned.
8. An Alabama inmate with a “ride or die” tattoo escaped custody for the second time in less than a month this week when he took off on an electric dirt bike. Police are looking for a white male, with a “ride or die” tattoo on a dirt bike and have narrowed their search down to every guy in Alabama.
9. According to a new study, male high school athletes have higher rates of wrist injuries. Also having higher rates of wrist injuries, all guys in high school.
10. On Wednesday, the Trump Soho Hotel in New York City announced that it will drop the ‘Trump’ name. “Wait, you can just drop the Trump name?” asked Melania.
11. This week, singer Jordan Fisher won the 25th season of “Dancing with the Stars.” You might know Fisher from the previous sentence.
12. According to report, golfer Tiger Woods is waking up without pain for the first time in three years. Begging the question, what kind of parents name their daughter “Without Pain.”