September 24, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A 78-year-old shopper at a California Costco said he was punched in the face by another customer after complaining the man was taking too many Nutella waffle samples. Luckily, the injured man got a really great deal on a 5,000 pack of bandaids.

2. On Wednesday, presidential candidate Donald Trump said he is the rare Republican who could win a sizable portion of the black vote. Because, technically speaking, zero is still a size.

3. According to a new study, women who are obese during pregnancy may die earlier. While men who tell women they look obese during pregnancy will definitely die earlier.

4. Earlier this week, before Republican candidate Scott Walker dropped out of the presidential race, the Wisconsin governor was polling at less than one-half of one percent. Begging the question, who let Scott Walker vote in that poll?

5. A pair of Ohio teens were caught this week using a beer bong to drink full 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew. Said those teens’ parents, “For the love of god, please think of your health and stick to beer.”

6. A scientist is claiming that sex can be used as a cure for fear of flying. I’m still scared to fly, but now I’m really scared to fly with that scientist.

7. Researchers in Japan have found that several species of apes can remember and recall plot details from movies. But now the primates are just being dicks and spoiling movies on purpose for people.

8. According to a new unauthorized biography, when in college, British Prime Minister David Cameron put his penis in the mouth of a dead pig. “You lost me at the dead part,” said Kermit.

9. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders will appear on this week’s edition of “Time” magazine. And, in a related story, this week’s edition of “Time” magazine will appear in Hillary Clinton’s shredder.

10. A “Toy Story” fan in England legally changed his name to Buzz Lightyear. And, with a name like that, I don’t think he’ll have much use for his Woody.

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