September 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday night, a woman gave birth to a baby girl at Petco Field in San Diego during a Padres baseball game. Giving a new, graphic meaning to the phrase “seventh inning stretch.”

2. Donald Trump drew boos from religious conservatives Friday after he called Marco Rubio a “clown.” Which seems like a pretty big political misstep by Trump, since, before that comment, I’m pretty sure he had the clown vote locked-up.

3. Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz suggested Friday that the U.S. might have to kill the Iranian ayatollah if the country tries to acquire a nuclear weapon. Although, when that time comes, if Cruz is in a position of power to make that decision, I think I’ll be in favor of a nuclear war anyway.

4. Health officials in Kansas City, Missouri are urging resident to take preventative measures after a big spike in cases of infectious diarrhea. “Well, that explains the smell,” said St. Louis.

5. Last week, Speaker of the House John Boehner abruptly announced that he will be leaving Congress at the end of October. The timing of his resignation will allow Boehner to seamlessly transition to his next job as a Halloween jack-o-latern.

6. On Friday, raucous cheers broke out at the right-wing Values Voter Summit in Washington D.C. when it was announced that Speaker of the House John Boehner will be stepping down from his post. Which means Bobby Jindal still has one chance to get a room full of conservatives to cheer for something that he did.

7. China’s President Xi Jinping told the U.N. on Sunday that all Chinese women have the opportunity to excel. Which I’m pretty sure is the same thing they told the contestants at the beginning of the Hunger Games.

8. According to a new study, men who perceive themselves to be less masculine according to traditional gender norms of society, and are feeling stressed about it, may be more prone to violent behavior. “That’s one route,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

9. A salmonella-tainted salad served at an Arizona prison caused 241 inmates to become ill this month. Although the prisoners said it wasn’t nearly the worst tossed salad they were forced to eat this year.

10. Retired two-time NBA MVP Steve Nash has joined the Golden State Warriors as a player development consultant. “We have two questions,” said the New York Knicks, “what’s a ‘player development consultant’ and what’s an ‘MVP?’”

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